Kadesh, urchatz, karpas, yachatz, maggid, rachtzah, motzi-matzah, maror, koreich, shulchan oreich, tzafun bareich, hallel, nirtzah.

The blessings below are for a weeknight. (On Shabbat we add the words in parentheses)

וַיְהִי עֶרֶב וַיְהִי בֹקֶר יוֹם הַשִּׁשִּׁי. וַיְכֻלּוּ הַשָׁמַיִם וְהָאָרֶץ וְכָל צְבָאַָם. וַיְכַל אֱלֹקִים בַּיוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי מְלַאכְתּוֹ אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה וַיִּשְׁבֹּת בַּיוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי מִכָּל מְלַאכְתּוֹ אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה. וַיְבָרֶךְ אֱלֹהִים אֶת יוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי וַיְקַדֵּשׁ אוֹתוֹ כִּי בוֹ שָׁבַת מִכָּל מְלַאכְתּוֹ אֲשֶׁר בֶָּרָא אֱלֹהִים לַעֲשׂוֹת

(Vay'hi erev vay'hi voker yom hashi-shi. Vay'chulu hashamayim v'ha-aretz v’choltzva’am. Vay’chal Elohim bayom hashvi’i, m'lachto asher asah, vayishbot bayom hashvi-i, mikol-mlachto asher asah. Vay'vareich Elohim, et-yom hashvi’i, vay'kadeish oto, ki vo shavat mikol-mlachto, asher-bara Elohim la-asot.)

(“And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day. Now the heavens and all their host were completed. And on the seventh day God finished His work of creation which He had made. And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, for on that day God rested from His work and ceased creating.)

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha’olam, borei p'ri hagafen.

Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who has created the fruit of the vine.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר בָּחַר בָּנוּ מִכָּל עָם וְרוֹמְמָנוּ מִכָּל לָשׁוֹן וְקִדְּשָׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו. וַתִּתֶּן לָנוּ יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ בְּאַהֲבָה (שַׁבָּתוֹת לִמְנוּחָה וּ) מוֹעֲדִים לְשִׂמְחָה, חַגִּים וּזְמַנִּים לְשָׂשׂוֹן, אֶת יוֹם (הַשַׁבָּת הַזֶה וְאֶת יוֹם) חַג הַמַצוֹת הַזֶה, זְמַן חֵרוּתֵנוּ (בְּאַהֲבָה), מִקְרָא קֹדֶשׁ, זֵכֶר לִיצִיאַת מִצְרָיִם. כִּי בָנוּ בָחַרְתָּ וְאוֹתָנוּ קִדַּשְׁתָּ מִכָּל הָעַמִּים, (וְשַׁבָּת) וּמוֹעֲדֵי קָדְשֶךָ (בְּאַהֲבָה וּבְרָצוֹן,) בְּשִׂמְחָה וּבְשָׂשׂוֹן הִנְחַלְתָּנוּ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְקַדֵּשׁ (הַשַׁבָּת וְ) יִשְׂרָאֵל וְהַזְּמַנִּים.

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha’olam, asher bachar banu mikol’am, v'rom'manu mikol-lashon, v'kid'shanu b'mitzvotav, vatiten-lanu Adonai Eloheinu b'ahavah (shabatot limnuchah u) moadim l'simchah, chagim uz'manim l'sason et-yom (hashabat hazeh v'et-yom) chag hamatzot hazeh. Z'man cheiruteinu, (b'ahavah,) mikra kodesh, zeicher litziat mitzrayim. Ki vanu vacharta v'otanu kidashta mikol ha’amim. (v'shabat) umo’adei kod’shecha (b'ahavah uv'ratzon) b'simchah uv'sason hinchaltanu. Baruch atah Adonai, m'kadeish (h’shabbat v') Yisrael v'hazmanim.

Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has chosen us from among all people, and languages, and made us holy through Your mitzvot, giving us lovingly [Shabbat for rest] festivals for joy, and special times for celebration, this [Shabbat and this] Passover, this [given in love] this sacred gathering to commemorate the Exodus from Egypt. You have chosen us, You have shared Your holiness with us among all other peoples. For with [Shabbat and] festive revelations of Your holiness, happiness and joy You have granted us [lovingly] joyfully the holidays. Praised are you, Adonai, Who sanctifies [Shabbat], Israel and the festivals.

On Saturday night include the following section:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא מְאוֹרֵי הָאֵשׁ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם הַמַבְדִיל בֵּין קֹדֶשׁ לְחֹל, ין אוֹר לְחשֶׁךְ, בֵּין יִשְׂרָאֵל לָעַמִּים, בֵּין יוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי לְשֵׁשֶׁת יְמֵי הַמַּעֲשֶׂה. בֵּין קְדֻשַּׁת שַׁבָּת לִקְדֻשַּׁת יוֹם טוֹב הִבְדַּלְתָּ, וְאֶת יוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי מִשֵּׁשֶׁת יְמֵי הַמַּעֲשֶׂה קִדַּשְׁתָּ. הִבְדַּלְתָּ וְקִדַּשְׁתָּ אֶת עַמְּךָ יִשְׂרָאֵל בִּקְדֻשָּׁתֶךָ. ,בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי הַמַּבְדִיל בֵּין קֹדֶשׁ לְקֹדֶשׁ

( Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, borei m'orei ha-eish.

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha’olam, hamavdil bein kodesh l'chol bein or l'choshech, bein Yisrael la-amim, bein yom hashvi-i l'sheishet y'mei hama-aseh. Bein k'dushat shabat likdushat yom tov hivdalta. V'et-yom hashvi-i misheishet y'mei hama-aseh kidashta. Hivdalta v'kidashta et-am'cha yisra-eil bikdushatecha. Baruch atah Adonai, hamavdil bein kodesh l'kodesh.)

(Praised are You Adonai our God Lord of the universe who created the lights of fire.

Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who makes a distinction between the holy and profane, light and darkness, Israel and the nations, Shabbat and the six workdays. You have made a distinction between the holiness of Shabbat and the holiness of the festival, and You have sanctified Shabbat above the six work-days. You have set apart and made holy Your people Israel with your holiness. Praised are you, Adonai, who distinguishes between degrees of sanctity.)

Say this Shehechiyanu blessing the first Seder night only:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, שֶׁהֶחֱיָנוּ וְקִיְּמָנוּ וְהִגִּיעָנוּ לַזְּמַן הַזֶה

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam,
she’hecheyanu v'ki'manu v'higi-anu laz'man hazeh.

Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe,
who has sustained us, maintained us and enabled us to reach this moment in life.

Ritually wash hands without reciting the blessing. The need for hand washing before eating vegetables is no longer a ritual requirement, however, it is included here in the traditional Seder.

Take less than a kezayit (the volume of one olive) of the karpas, dip it into salt-water, and recite the following blessing:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הָאֲדָמָה

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha’olam, borei p’ri ha’adamah.

Blessed are You, Lord, our God, Ruler of the universe, who creates the fruit of the earth.

Take the middle matzah and break it into two, one piece larger than the other.

The larger piece is set aside to serve as Afikoman. This is traditionally hidden, by the leader of the Seder for the children to “steal” or “find” and then ransom for a something at the end of the Seder.

The smaller piece is put back, between the two matzot. This smaller piece, along with the top matzah is what will be used for the “Motzi-Matzah” and “Korech”

Maggid – Beginning

מגיד

Raise the tray with the matzot and say:

הָא לַחְמָא עַנְיָא דִי אֲכָלוּ אַבְהָתָנָא בְּאַרְעָא דְמִצְרָיִם. כָּל דִכְפִין יֵיתֵי וְיֵיכֹל, כָּל דִצְרִיךְ יֵיתֵי וְיִפְסַח. הָשַׁתָּא הָכָא, לְשָׁנָה הַבָּאָה בְּאַרְעָא דְיִשְׂרָאֵל. הָשַׁתָּא עַבְדֵי, לְשָׁנָה הַבָּאָה בְּנֵי חוֹרִין.

Ha lachma anya dee achalu avhatana b'ara d'meetzrayeem. Kol deechfeen yeitei v'yeichol, kol deetzreech yeitei v'yeefsach. Hashata hacha, l'shanah haba-ah b'ara d'yisra-el. Hashata avdei, l'shanah haba-ah b'nei choreen.

This is the bread of affliction, which our ancestors ate in the land of Egypt. Let all who are hungry come and eat. Let all who are in need, come and share the Pesach meal. This year, we are here. Next year, in the land of Israel. This year, we are slaves. Next year, we will be free.

Refill the wine cups, but don’t drink yet.

                 Maggid – Four Questions

מַהנִּשְּׁתַּנָה

?מַה נִּשְּׁתַּנָה הַלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה מִכָּל הַלֵּילוֹת

Mah nish-ta-na ha-lai-lah ha-zeh mikol ha-lei-lot?

Why is this night of Passover different from all other nights of the year?

שֶׁבְּכָל הַלֵּילוֹת אָנוּ אוֹכְלִין חָמֵץ וּמַצָּה, הַלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה - כּוּלוֹ מַצָּה

She-b'chol ha-lei-lot anu och'lin cha-meitz u-matzah. Ha-laylah hazeh kulo matzah.

On all other nights, we eat either leavened or unleavened bread, why on this night do we eat only matzah?

שֶׁבְּכָל הַלֵּילוֹת אָנוּ אוֹכְלִין שְׁאָר יְרָקוֹת, - הַלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה מָרוֹר

Sheb'chol ha-lei-lot anu och'lin sh'ar y'rakot. Ha-lai-lah h-azeh maror.

On all other nights, we eat vegetables of all kinds, why on this night must we eat bitter herbs?

שֶׁבְּכָל הַלֵּילוֹת אֵין אֶנוּ מַטְבִּילִין אֲפִילוּ פַּעַם אֶחָת, - הַלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה שְׁתֵּי פְעָמִים

Sheb'chol ha-lei-lot ein anu mat-beelin afee-lu pa-am echat.Ha-lai-lah hazeh sh'tei p'ameem.

On all other nights, we do not dip vegetables even once,
why on this night do we dip greens into salt water and bitter herbs into sweet haroset?

שֶׁבְּכָל הַלֵּילוֹת אָנוּ אוֹכְלִין בֵּין יוֹשְׁבִין וּבֵין מְסֻבִּין, - הַלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה כֻּלָנו מְסֻ

Sheb’khol ha-lei-lot anu och-leem bein yo-shveen u-vein m’su-been, ha-lailah hazeh kulanu m’subeen.

On all other nights, everyone sits up straight at the table, why on this night do we recline and eat at leisure?

1. Why do I always have the feeling that everybody’d doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?

2. Why would anyone eat canned fruit?

3. Why is it that the doors on the stalls do not come all the way down to the floor?

4. What was a man with a cape doing with my father? What was my father doing with a man in a cape? Why a cape?

Chapter one

1       And these are the names of the sons of Israel who came to the New York Metropolitan area with Jacob, each man and his household came:

2         Reuben, Simeon, and Judah.

3          Issachar, Zebulun and Benjamin…

4          Yada, Yada and Yada…

7          The children of Israel were fruitful, as few were sponge-worthy, and swarmed and increased and became very very strong, particularly the Mandlebaums, and the land became filled with them.

8          A new Crazy pharaoh, Joe Davola, arose over Manhattan, who did not know about Superman or cereal or anything.

9          He said to his people, “Behold, though 95% of the people of the children of Israel are undatable(!) they are more numerous and stronger than we are.

11       So they appointed over them tax collectors and library cops to afflict them with their burdens, and they built two retirement condominium complexes for Pharaoh, namely Phase II of the Pines of Mar Gables, and Del Boca Vista, Phase III.

12       But as much as they would afflict them, so did they multiply, as there were no sponges left in all of Manhattan, and so did they gain strength, not just the Mandlebaums, and the Manhattanites were disgusted because of the children of Israel.

13       So the Manhattanites, all anti-dentite bastards, enslaved the children of Israel with back-breaking labor.

14       And they embittered their lives with hard labor – the maid did little, the pool guy did not replace the towels, no butlers were decreed – and they pretty much had to do most of the cleaning themselves.

15       Now Crazy Joe Davola spoke to the Hebrew midwives, one who was named Mulva, and the second, who was named Man Hands.

16       And he said, “When you deliver the Hebrew women, if it is a son, you shall put him to death, but if it is a daughter, she may live.” He was a bit of a crazy-talker.

17       The midwives, however, feared God; so they did not do as Crazy Joe Davola had spoken to them, but they enabled the boys to live.

18       Yada, yada, yada…

                      

22       And Pharaoh Joe commanded all his people, saying, “Every Hebrew son who is born you shall cast into the East River, and every daughter you shall allow to live on the Upper West Side.

בָּרוּךְ הַמָּקוֹם, בָּרוּךְ הוּא. בָּרוּךְ שֶׁנָּתַן תּוֹרָה לְעַמּוֹ יִשְׂרָאֵל, בָּרוּךְ הוּא
כְּנֶגֶד אַרְבָּעָה בָנִים דִּבְּרָה תּוֹרָה . אֶחָד חָכָם, וְאֶחָד רָשָׁע, וְאֶחָד תָּם, וְאֶחָד שֶׁאֵינוֹ יוֹדֵעַ לִשְׁאוֹל

Baruch hamakom, baruch hu. Baruch shenatan torah l'amo yisra-eil, baruch hu.
K'neged arba-ah vanim dib'rah torah. Echad chacham, v'echad rasha, v'echad tam, v'echad she-eino yodei-a lishol

The Torah speaks of four types of children: one is wise, one is wicked, one is simple, and one does not know how to ask.

חָכָם מָה הוּא אוֹמֵר? מַה הָעֵדוֹת וְהַחֻקִּים וְהַמִשְׁפָּטִים אֲשֶׁר צִוָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ אֶתְכֶם? וְאַף אַתָּה אֱמָר לוֹ כְּהִלְכוֹת הַפֶּסַח: אֵין מַפְטִירִין אַחַר הַפֶּסַח אֲפִיקוֹמָן.

Chacham mah hu omeir? Mah ha-eidot v'hachukim v'hamishpatim, asher tzivah Adonai Eloheinu etchem? V'af atah emor lo k'hilchot hapesach. Ein maftirin achar hapesach afikoman.

The Wise One asks: "What is the meaning of the laws and traditions God has commanded?" (Deuteronomy 6:20) You should teach him all the traditions of Passover, even to the last detail.

רָשָׁע מָה הוּא אוֹמֵר? מָה הָעֲבֹדָה הַזֹּאת לָכֶם? לָכֶם - וְלֹא לוֹ. וּלְפִי שֶׁהוֹצִיא אֶת עַצְמוֹ מִן הַכְּלָל כָּפַר בְּעִקָּר
.וְאַף אַתָּה הַקְהֵה אֶת שִנָּיו וֶאֱמֹר לוֹ: בַּעֲבוּר זֶה עָשָׂה יי לִי בְּצֵאתִי מִמִּצְרָיִם. לִי - וְלֹא לוֹ. אִילּוּ הָיָה שָׁם, לֹא הָיָה נִגְאָל

Rasha, mah hu omer? Mah ha-avodah ha-zot lachem? Lachem v’lo lo. Ul'fi shehotzi et atzmo min hak'lal, kafar ba-ikar. V'af atah hakheih et shinav, ve-emor lo. Ba-avur zeh, asah Adonai li, b'tzeiti mimitzrayim, li v'lo lo. Ilu hayah sham, lo hayah nigal.

The Wicked One asks: "What does this ritual mean to you?" (Exodus 12:26) By using the expression "to you" he excludes himself from his people and denies God. Shake his arrogance and say to him: "It is because of what the Lord did for me when I came out of Egypt..." (Exodus 13:8) "For me" and not for him -- for had he been in Egypt, he would not have been freed.

תָּם מָה הוּא אוֹמֵר? מַה זֹּאת? וְאָמַרְתָּ אֵלָיו: בְּחֹזֶק יָד הוֹצִיאָנוּ יי מִמִּצְרָיִם, מִבֵּית עֲבָדִים

Tam mah hu omeir? Mah zot? V'amarta eilav. B'chozek yad hotzi-anu Adonai mimitzrayim mibeit avadim.

The Simple One asks: "What is all this?" You should tell him: "It was with a mighty hand that the Lord took us out of Egypt, out of the house of bondage."

ושֶׁאֵינוֹ יוֹדֵעַ לִשְׁאוֹל - אַתְּ פְּתַח לוֹ, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וְהִגַּדְתָּ לְבִנְךָ בַּיוֹם הַהוּא לֵאמֹר, בַּעֲבוּר זֶה עָשָׂה יי לִי בְּצֵאתִי מִמִּצְרָיִם

V'she-eino yodei-a lishol, at p'tach lo. Shene-emar. V'higadta l'vincha, bayom hahu leimor.
Ba-avur zeh asah Adonai li, b'tzeiti mimitzrayim.

As for the One Who Does Not Know How To Ask, you should open the discussion for him, as it is written: "And you shall explain to your child on that day, 'It is because of what the Lord did for me when I came out of Egypt." (Exodus 13:8)

This is what has stood by our fathers and us! For not just one alone has risen against us to destroy us, but in every generation they rise against us to destroy us; and the Holy One, blessed be He, saves us from their hand!

Chapter Two

1. A man of the house of Seinfeld went and married a daughter of Seinfeld.

1. The woman conceived and bore a son, and when she saw him that he was good –  how could anyone not like him?  –  she hid him for three months.

1. When she could no longer hide him, she placed him in a men’s carryall made of reeds – it was European – and put it onto the banks of the Hudson around 86^th street.

1. His sister, Suzie[1], stood across the street in the Brentano’s to know what would be done to him.

1. Pharaoh’s daughter Sue Ellen Mischke Davola, who had great shiksappeal and wore only a sheath bodice as a top, went down to the Hudson to bathe, and her maidens were walking along the Hudson, and she saw the European carryall, and sent her BM (Beautiful Maidservant), and she took it.

1. She opened it, and she saw him the child, and behold, he was a weeping lad – salty discharge poured from his eyes – and she had compassion on him, and she said, “This is one of the children of the Hebrews.”

1. Suzie crossed over from the Brentano’s and said to Sue Ellen Mischke Davola, “Shall I go and call for you a wet nurse from the Hebrew women, so that she shall nurse the child for you?”

1. And Sue Ellen Mischke Davola said to her, “Go! Get the hell outta here!” so the girl went and called Mrs. Seinfeld. While she waited for Suzie to return Sue Ellen asked of her BM, “You know about wet nursing and all? They have different sizes…”

1. And though the BM assured Sue Ellen that she was familiar with the various sizes as she herself had breasts, Sue Ellen enumerated them saying, “You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest”. And the maidens were very uncomfortable.

1. As they waited longer, Sue Ellen commented on the daughter of Israel’s sloth saying, “How long does it take to find a Hebrew wet nurse? You ask me to get a sheath bodice, I’m back in two seconds.”

1. Suzie returned with Mrs. Seinfeld and Pharaoh’s daughter said to her, “Take this child and nurse him for me, and I will give you your wages.” So the woman took the child and nursed him but refused the wages even though she was on a very fixed income.

1. Pharaoh’s daughter said, “Here. If anybody asks you where you got it, you don't know”. The Hebrew woman again refused saying, “No, that's ok, I really don't need any money.” Pharaoh’s daughter did not understand, “What are you talking about? I want to -” But the Hebrew-ite would not allow her to finish, saying, “It’s not necessary.” “Daughter of Israel, would you just please take it.” “I can’t. I can’t take it”, said the child’s mother. “I want you to have it.” “I don’t want to have it.” “Take the money!” “I don’t want it!”. And The maidens were very uncomfortable.

1. The child grew up, and his mother brought him to Pharaoh’s daughter Sue Ellen Mischke Davola, and he became like her son. For the purposes of this story, she named him JERry, and she said, “For I might as well have picked him up at the JERk store.”

1. Now it came to pass that in those days that Jerry grew up and went out to his brothers and looked at their burdens and he said, “That’s a shame.” But he saw a Manhattanite man striking a Hebrew man of his brothers.

1. He turned this way and that way, really hoping someone else would deal with the situation, and he saw that there was no man; “That’s fantastic,” he said, as though he were speaking to no man, only to himself, in a kind of sarcastic tone, as though he would rather not get involved at all if he could avoid it. But he could not avoid it. So he struck the Manhattanite to the ground.

1. The Manhattanite did then look up at Jerry and beseeched of him, “I'll be lying here on the street in this neighborhood and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh! What's the point?” Jerry struck the Manhattanite a second time and concealed him in the trunk of his Saab chariot.

1. He went out on the second day, and behold, two Hebrew men were quarreling, and he said to the one called Bob Sacamano, “Why are you going to strike your friend, Lomez?”

1. And he retorted, “Who made you a man, a prince, and a judge over us? Do you plan to slay me as you have slain the Manhattanite? Jerry, knowing full well that he was not a man, became frightened and said, “Indeed, the matter has become known!”

1. Crazy Joe Davola heard of this incident, and he sought to slay Jerry; so Jerry fled from Crazy Joe. He stayed in the land of Queens, and he sat down at a diner.

1. Now the chief of Queens, Frank Costanza, had seven daughters. And they came and drew prune juice for their father, and they filled their troughs to water his hens, and his chickens and his roosters.”

1. But this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible drove them away; so Jerry arose and rescued them and watered their roosters, and their chickens and their hens.

1. They came to their father Frank, and he said, “Why have you returned so quickly today?”

1. And they replied, “A Manhattanite man rescued us from the hands of a pack of wild teenagers in a convertible, and he also drew water for us and watered the hens, and the chickens and the roosters.”

1. Mr. Costanza said to his daughters, “So, where is he? Why have you left the man? DE-LIV-ER HIM TO ME. You think you can handle that? Invite him, and let him eat of marble rye”.

1. And six of the daughters searched for Jerry in the fields and in the diners. And Frank grew impatient and remarked to his eldest daughter, Elaine, “You ask me to get a man’s girdle[2], I’m back in two seconds.”

1. The daughters returned with Jerry who consented to stay with Mr. Costanza, and Frank gave his eldest daughter Elaine to Jerry.

1. She bore a son, and Jerry named him Golden Boy, for he said, “I have a t-shirt I also call Golden Boy, and it’s my best one.”

1. Now it came to pass in those many days that the king of Manhattan, Crazy Joe Davola, died, and the children of Israel sighed from the labor, and they cried out “Oh hey! If you happen to see, the most beautiful girl, who walked out on me…tell her I’m sorry…tell her I need my baby, Oh…” And their cry ascended to God from the labor.

1. And God heard their cry and…yada, yada, yada…

אֵלּוּ עֶשֶׂר מַכּוֹת שֶׁהֵבִיא הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא עַל הַמִּצְרִים בְּמִצְרַים , וְאֵלוּ הֵן

Eilu eser makot sheheivi hakadosh baruch hu al hamitzrim b'mitzrayim, v'eilu hein:

These are the Plagues that the holy one, blessed be he, brought upon Egypt.

דָּם וָאֵשׁ וְתִימְרוֹת עָשָׁן

  Dam V’eish V’tim’ro ashan
 “Blood, and fire and pillars of smoke…”

“Before the great and terrible day of the Lord comes, I will set wonders in the sky and on the earth… blood, fire and pillars of smoke: The sun shall turn to darkness and the moon into blood.” Joel 3:3

דָבָר אַחֵר: בְּיָד חֲזָקָה - שְׁתַּיִם, וּבִזְרֹעַ נְטוּיָה - שְׁתַּיִם, וּבְמֹרָא גָּדֹל - שְׁתַּיִם, וּבְאֹתוֹת - שְׁתַּיִם, וּבְמֹפְתִים - שְׁתַּיִם

Davar acheir. B'yad chazakah sh'tayim. Uvizroa n'tuyah sh'tayim. Uv'mora gadol sh'tayim. Uv'otot sh'tayim. Uv'mof'tim sh'tayim.

(Another interpretation of Deuteronomy 26:8 is: “strong hand” indicates two plagues; “out-stretched arm” indicates two more plagues; “great awe” indicates two plagues; “signs” indicates two more plagues because it is plural; and “wonders” two more plagues because it is in the plural. This then is a total of Ten Plagues.)

:אֵלּוּ עֶשֶׂר מַכּוֹת שֶׁהֵבִיא הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא עַל הַמִּצְרִים בְּמִצְרַים , וְאֵלוּ הֵן

Eilu eser makot sheheivi hakadosh baruch hu al hamitzrim b'mitzrayim, v'eilu hein:

These are the Plagues that the holy one, blessed be he, brought upon Egypt.

Blood |  Dom | דָּם

Frogs |  Tzfardeyah | צְפֵרְדֵּע

Lice |  Kinim | כִּנִים

Beasts |  Arov | עָרוֹב

Cattle Plague |  Dever | דֶּבֶר

Boils |  Sh’chin | שְׁחִין

Hail |  Barad | בָּרד

Locusts |  Arbeh | אַרְבֶּה

Darkness |  Choshech | חשֶׁךְ

Slaying of First Born | Makat Bechorot | מַכַּת בְּכוֹרוֹת

Since ancient versions varied as to the nature and number of the plagues, it is believed that Rabbi Jehudah instituted these three phrases or acronyms to confirm the version in Exodus. Accordingly we now remove another three drops of wine from our cup of joy.

:רַבִּי יְהוּדָה הָיָה נוֹתֵן בָּהֶם סִמָּנִים

Rabi Y'hudah hayah notein bahem simanim.

Rabbi Yehuda would assign the plagues three mnenomic signs:

דְּצַ״ךְ עַדַ״שׁ בְּאַחַ״ב

D’TZ”KH A-Da”SH B’AH”V

רַבִּי יוֹסֵי הַגְּלִילִי אוֹמֵר: מִנַּיִן אַתָּה אוֹמֵר שֶׁלָקוּ הַמִּצְרִים בְּמִצְרַים עֶשֶׂר מַכּוֹת וְעַל הַיָם לָקוּ חֲמִשִּׁים מַכּוֹת ? בְּמִצְרַים מַה הוּא אוֹמֵר? וַיֹאמְרוּ הַחַרְטֻמִּים אֶל פַּרְעֹה: אֶצְבַּע אֱלֹהִים הִוא, וְעַל הַיָּם מה הוּא אוֹמֵר? וַיַּרְא יִשְׂרָאֵל אֶת הַיָד הַגְּדֹלָה אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה יי בְּמִצְרַים , וַיִּירְאוּ הָעָם אֶת יי, וַיַּאֲמִינוּ בַּיי וּבְמשֶׁה עַבְדוֹ. כַּמָה לָקוּ בְאֶצְבַּע? עֶשֶׂר מַכּוֹת . אֱמוֹר מֵעַתָּה : בְּמִצְרַים לָקוּ עֶשֶׂר מַכּוֹת וְעַל הַיָּם לָקוּ חֲמִשִּׁים מַכּוֹת

רַבִּי אֱלִיעֶזֲר אוֹמֵר: מִנַּיִן שֶׁכָּל מַכָּה וּמַכָּה שֶׁהֵבִיא הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא עַל הַמִּצְרִים בְּמִצְרַיִם הָיְתָה שֶׁל אַרְבַּע מַכּוֹת? שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: יְשַׁלַּח בָּם חֲרוֹן אַפּוֹ, עֶבְרָה וָזַעַם וְצָרָה, מִשְׁלַחַת מַלְאֲכֵי רָעִים. עֶבְרָה - אַחַת, וָזַעַם - שְׁתַּיִם, וְִצָרָה - שָׁלשׁ, מִשְׁלַחַת מַלְאֲכֵי רָעִים - אַרְבַּע. אֱמוֹר מֵעַתָּה : בְּמִצְרַים לָקוּ אַרְבָּעִים מַכּוֹת וְעַל הַיָּם לָקוּ מָאתַיִם מַכּוֹת

רַבִּי עֲקִיבֶא אוֹמֵר: מִנַּיִן שֶׁכָּל מַכָּה ומַכָּה שהֵביִא הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא על הַמִּצְרִים בְּמִצְרַים הָיְתָה שֶׁל     חָמֵשׁ מַכּוֹת ? שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: יְִשַׁלַּח בָּם חֲרוֹן אַפּוֹ, עֶבְרָה וָזַעַם וְצַָרָה, מִשְׁלַחַת מַלְאֲכֵי רָעִים . חֲרוֹן אַפּוֹ- אַחַת,, עֶבְרָה - שְׁתַּיִם, וָזַעַם - שָׁלושׁ, וְצָרָה - אַרְבַּע, מִשְׁלַחַת מַלְאֲכֵי רָעִים - חָמֵשׁ. אֱמוֹר מֵעַתָּה : בְּמִצְרַים לָקוּ חֲמִשִּׁים מַכּוֹת וְעַל הַיָּם לָקוּ חֲמִשִּׁים וּמָאתַיִם מַכּוֹת

Rabi Yosei hagalili omer: minayin atah omer shelaku hamitzrim bimitzrayim eser makot v’al hayam laku chamishim makot? Bamitzrayim ma hu omer? Vayomru hachartumim el paroh: etzba Elohim he, v’al hayam ma hu omer? Vayar Yisrael et hayad hagdolah asher asa Adonai bimitzrayim, vayiyru ha’am et Adonai, vaya’aminu b’Adonai uvMoshe avdo. Kamah laku b’etzba? Eser makot. Emor ma’atah: b’mitzrayim laku eser makot v’al hayam laku chamishim makot.

Rabi Eliezer omar: minayin shekol makah u’makah shehaivi hakadosh baruch hu al hamitzrim b’mitzrayim hayta shel arba’a makot? Shene’emar: yishlach bom charon apo, evrah vaza’am v’tzarah, mishlachat malachei ra’im. Evrah – echat, vaza’am – shtayim, v’tzarah – shalosh, mishlachat malachei ra’im – arba’a. Emor ma’atah: b’mitzrayim laku arba’im makot v’al hayam laku matayim makot.

Rabi akivah omer: minayin shekol makah u’makah shehaivi hakadosh baruch hu al hamitzrim b’mitzrayim hayta shel chamesh makot? Shene’emar: yishlach bom charon apo, evrah vaza’am v’tzarah, mishlachat malachei ra’im. Charon apo – echat, evrah – shtayim, vaza’am – shalosh, v’tzarah – arba’a, mishlachat malachei ra’im – chamesh. Emor ma’atah: b’mitzrayim laku chamishim makot v’al hayam laku chamishim u’matayim makot

Rabbi Yose the Galilean says: How does one derive that, after the ten plagues in Egypt, the Egyptians suffered fifty plagues at the Sea? Concerning the plagues in Egypt the Torah states that “the magicians said to Pharaoh, it is the finger of God.” However, at the Sea, the Torah relates that “Israel saw the great hand which the Lord laid upon the Egyptians, and the people revered the Lord and they believed in the Lord and in His servant Moses.” It reasons that if they suffered ten plagues in Egypt, they must have been made to suffer fifty plagues at the Sea.

Rabbi Eliezer says: How does one derive that every plague that God inflicted upon the Egyptians in Egypt was equal in intensity to four plagues? It is written: “He sent upon them his fierce anger, wrath, fury and trouble, a band of evil messengers.” Since each plague was comprised of 1) wrath, 2) fury, 3) trouble and 4) a band of evil messengers, they must have suffered forty plagues in Egypt and two hundred at the Sea.

Rabbi Akiva says: How does one derive that every plague that God inflicted upon the Egyptians in Egypt was equal in intensity to five plagues? It is written: “He sent upon them his fierce anger, wrath, fury and trouble, a band of evil messengers.” Since each plague was comprised of 1) fierce anger 2) wrath 3) fury 4) trouble and 5) a band of evil messengers, they must have suffered fifty plagues in Egypt and two hundred and fifty at the Sea.

1          Muffin bottoms

2          Phusilli Pharaoh

3          The Kavorka

4          Frozen tofu yogurt

5          BBO (Beyond BO)

6          Regifting

7          Poisoned envelopes

8          The English Patient                                       

9          Jambalaya

10       The Killing of the first Bubble Boy

Maggid – Closing  דַּיֵינוּ

כַּמָה מַעֲלוֹת טוֹבוֹת לַמָּקוֹם עָלֵינוּ!

אִלוּ הוֹצִיאָנוּ מִמִצְרַים, וְלֹא עָשָׂה בָּהֶם שְׁפָטִים, דַּיֵינוּ

אִלוּ עָשָׂה בָּהֶם שְׁפָטִים, וְלֹא עָשָׂה בֵאלֹהֵיהֶם, דַּיֵינו

אִלוּ עָשָׂה בֵאלֹהֵיהֶם, וְלֹא הָרַג אֶת בְּכוֹרֵיהֶם, דַּיֵינוּ

אִלוּ הָרַג אֶת בְּכוֹרֵיהֶם, וְלֹא נָתַן לָנוּ אֶת מָמוֹנָם, דַּיֵינוּ

אִלוּ נָתַן לָנוּ אֶת מָמוֹנָם, וְלֹא קָרַע לָנוּ אֶת הַיָּם, דַּיֵינוּ

אִלוּ קָרַע לָנוּ אֶת הַיָּם, וְלֹא הֶעֱבֵירָנוּ בְּתוֹכוֹ בֶּחָרָבָה, דַּיֵינוּ

אִלוּ הֶעֱבֵירָנוּ בְּתוֹכוֹ בֶּחָרָבָה, וְלֹא שְׁקַע צָרֵנוּ בְּתוֹכוֹ, דַּיֵינוּ

אִלוּ שִׁקַע צָרֵנוּ בְּתוֹכוֹ, וְלֹא סִפֵּק צָרְכֵּנוּ בּמִדְבָּר אַרְבָּעִים שָׁנָה, דַּיֵינוּ

אִלוּ סִפֵּק צָרְכֵּנוּ בּמִדְבָּר אַרְבָּעִים שָׁנָה, וְלֹא הֶאֱכִילָנוּ אֶת הַמָּן, דַּיֵינוּ

אִלוּ הֶאֱכִילָנוּ אֶת הַמָּן, וְלֹא נָתַן לָנוּ אֶת הַשַׁבָּת, דַּיֵינוּ

אִלוּ נָתַן לָנוּ אֶת הַשַׁבָּת, וְלֹא קֵרְבָנוּ לִפְנֵי הַר סִינַי, דַּיֵינוּ

אִלוּ קֵרְבָנוּ לִפְנֵי הַר סִינַי, וְלֹא נַָתַן לָנוּ אֶת הַתּוֹרָה, דַּיֵינוּ

אִלוּ נַָתַן לָנוּ אֶת הַתּוֹרָה, וְלֹא הִכְנִיסָנוּ לְאֶרֶץ יִשְׂרָאֵל, דַּיֵינוּ

 אִלוּ הִכְנִיסָנוּ לְאֶרֶץ יִשְׂרָאֵל, וְלֹא בָנָה לָנוּ אֶת בֵּית הַבְּחִירָה, דַּיֵינוּ

Kama ma’a lot tovot lamakom aleinu.

Ilu hotzi’anu mimitzrayim, v’lo asah bahem shfatim, dayenu.

Ilu asah bahem shfatim, v’lo asah vailoheihem, dayenu.

Ilu asah vailoheihem, v’lo harag et bichoraihem, dayenu.

Ilu harag et bichoraihem, v’lo natan lanu mamonam, dayenu.

Ilu natan lanu mamonam, v’lo karah lanu et hayam, dayenu. 

Ilu karah lanu et hayam, v’lo he’evairanu bitocho becheravah, dayenu. 

Ilu he’evairanu bitocho becheravah, v’lo shikah tzareinu b’tocho, dayenu. 

Ilu shikah tzareinu b’tocho, v’lo sifek tzarchainu bamidbar arba’im shana, dayneu. 

Ilu sifek tzarchainu bamidbar arba’im shana, v’lo he’echilanu et haman, dayenu. 

Ilu he’echilanu et haman, v’lo natan lanu et hashabbat, dayenu. 

Ilu natan lanu et hashabbat, v’lo karvanu lifnei har Sinai, dayenu. 

Ilu karvanu lifnei har Sinai, v’lo natan lanu et hatorah, dayenu. 

Ilu natan lanu et hatorah, v’lo hichnisanu l’eretz Yisrael, dayenu. 

Ilu hicnisanu l’eretz Yisrael, v’lo vana lanu et bait habchirah, dayenu.   

God has bestowed many favors upon us.

Had He brought us out of Egypt, and not executed judgments against the Egyptians, It would have been enough – Dayyenu

Had He executed judgments against the Egyptians, and not their gods, It would have been enough – Dayyenu

Had He executed judgments against their gods and not put to death their firstborn, It would have been enough – Dayyenu

Had He put to death their firstborn, and not given us their riches, It would have been enough – Dayyenu

Had He given us their riches, and not split the Sea for us, It would have been enough – Dayyenu

Had He split the Sea for us, and not led us through it on dry land, It would have been enough – Dayyenu

Had He led us through it on dry land, and not sunk our foes in it, It would have been enough – Dayyenu

Had He sunk our foes in it, and not satisfied our needs in the desert for forty years, It would have been enough – Dayyenu

Had He satisfied our needs in the desert for forty years, and not fed us the manna, It would have been enough – Dayyenu

Had He fed us the manna, and not given us the Sabbath, It would have been enough – Dayyenu

Had He given us the Sabbath, and not brought us to Mount Sinai, It would have been enough – Dayyenu

Had He brought us to Mount Sinai, and not given us the Torah, It would have been enough – Dayyenu

Had He given us the Torah, and not brought us into Israel, It would have been enough – Dayyenu

Had He brought us into Israel, and not built the Temple for us, It would have been enough – Dayyenu

Obligations of the Holiday

רַבָּן גַּמְלִיאֵל הָיָה אוֹמֵר:כָּל שֶׁלֹּא אָמַר שְׁלשָׁה דְּבָרִים אֵלּוּ בַּפֶּסַח, לֹא יָצָא יְדֵי חוֹבָתוֹ, וְאֵלוּ הֵן

 פֶּסַח, מַצָה, וּמָרוֹר

         Rabban Gamlieil hayah omeir: kol shelo amar sh’loshah d’varim eilu bapesach, lo yatza y’dei chovato, v’eilu hein: Pesach, Matzah, Umaror.

Rabban Gamliel would teach that all those who had not spoken of three things on Passover had not fulfilled their obligation to tell the story, and these three things are:

Point to the shank bone.

פֶּסַח שֶׁהָיוּ אֲבוֹתֵינוּ אוֹכְלִים בִּזְמַן שֶׁבֵּית הַמִּקְדָּשׁ הָיָה קַיָם, עַל שׁוּם מָה? עַל שׁוּם שֶׁפֶָּסַח הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא עַל בָּתֵּי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ בְּמִצְרַים , שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וַאֲמַרְתֶּם זֶבַח פֶּסַח הוּא לַיי, אֲשֶׁר פֶָּסַח עַל בָּתֵּי בְּני יִשְׂרָאֵל בְּמִצְרַים בְּנָגְפּוֹ אֶת מִצְרַים , וְאֶת בָּתֵּינוּ הִצִּיל? וַיִּקֹּד הָעָם וַיִּשְּׁתַּחווּ

Pesach shehayu avoteinu och’lim, bizman shebeit hamikdash hayah kayam, al shum mah? Al shum shepasach hakadosh baruch hu al batei avoteinu b’mitzrayim, shene’emar: va’amartem zevach pesach hu l’Adonai, asher pasach al batei v’nei Yisrael b’mitzrayim, b’nagpo et mitzrayim v’et bateinu hitzil, vayikod ha’am vayishtachavu.

The Pesah which our ancestors ate when the Second Temple stood: what is the reason for it? They ate the Pesah because the holy one, Blessed be He “passed over” the houses of our ancestors in Egypt, as it is written in the Torah: “And You shall say, ‘It is the Passover offering for Adonai, who passed over the houses of the Israelites saving us in Mitzrayim but struck the houses of the Egyptians.

Point to the matza.

מַצָּה זו שאנו אוֹכְלִים, עַל שׁוּם מה? עַל שׁוּם שֶׁלֹא הִסְפִּיק בְּצֵקָם שֶׁל אֲבוֹתֵינוּ לְהַחֲמִיץ עַד שֶׁנִּגְלָה עֲלֵיהֶם מֶלֶךְ מַלְכֵי הַמְּלָכִים, הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא, וּגְאָלָם, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וַיֹּאפוּ אֶת הַבָּצֵק אֲשֶׁר הוֹצִיאוּ מִמִצְרַים עֻגֹת מַצּוֹת, כִּי לֹא חָמֵץ, כִּי גֹרְשׁוּ מִמִּצְרַים וְלֹא יָכְלוּ לְהִתְמַהְמֵהַּ, וְגַּם צֵדָה לֹא עָשׂו לָהֶם

Matzah zeh sheanu och’lim, al shum mah? Al shum shelo hispik b’tzeikam shel avoteinu l’hachamitz ad sheniglah aleihem melech malchei ham’lachim, hakadosh baruch hu, ug’alam, shene’emar: vayofu et habatzeik asher hotziu mimitzrayim ugot matzot, ki lo chameitz, ki gor’shu mimitzrayim v’lo yachlu l’hitmahmeiha, v’gam tzeidah lo asu lahem.

Matzah - what does it symbolize in the Seder? There was insufficient time for the dough of our ancestors to rise when the holy one, Blessed be He was revealed to us and redeemed us, as it is written in the Torah: “And they baked the dough which they brought forth out o Egypt into matzah – cakes of unleavened bread – which had not risen, for having been driven out of Egypt they could not tarry, and they had made no provisions for themselves.”

Point to the maror.

מָרוֹר זֶה שֶׁאָנוּ אוֹכְלִים, עַל שׁוּם מה? עַל שׁוּם שֶׁמֵּרְרוּ הַמִּצְרִים אֶת חַיֵי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ בְּמִצְרַים , שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וַיְמָרֲרוּ אֶת חַיֵיהם בַּעֲבֹדָה קָשָה, בְּחֹמֶר וּבִלְבֵנִים וּבְכָל עֲבֹדָה בַּשָּׂדֶה אֶת כָּל עֲבֹדָתָם אֲשֶׁר עָבְדוּ בָהֶם בְּפָרֶך

Maror zeh sheanu och’lim, al shum mah? Al shum shemeir’ru hamitzrim et chayei avoteinu b’mitzrayim, shene’emar: vayamararu et chayeihem baavodah kashah, b’chomer uvilveinim uv’chol avodah basadeh et kol avodatam asher avdu vahem b’farech.

Why do we eat Maror? For the reason that the Egyptians embitter the lives of our ancestors in Mitzrayim, as the Torah states: “And they embittered their lives with servitude, with mortar and bricks without straw, with every form of slavery in the field and with great torment.”

בְּכָל דּוֹר וָדוֹר חַיָב אָדָם לִרְאוֹת אֶת עַצְמוֹ כְּאִלוּ הוּא יֶָָצֶָא מִמִּצְרַָים , שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וְהִגַּדְתָּ לְבִנְךָ בַּיוֹם הַהוּא לֵאמֹר, בַּעֲבוּר זֶה עָשָׂה יי לִי בְּצֵאתִי מִמִּצְרַים . לֹא אֶת אֲבוֹתֵינוּ בִּלְבָד גָּאַל הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא, אֶלָּא אַף אוֹתָנוּ גָּאַל עִמָּהֶם, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: וְאוֹתָנוּ הוֹצִיא מִשָׁם , לְמַעַן הָבִיא אֹתָנוּ, לָתֶת לָנוּ אֶת הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר נִשָׁבַּע לַאֲבֹתֵנוּ

B’chol dor vador chayav adam lirot et atzmo k’ilu hu yatza mimitzrayim, shene’emar: v’higadta l’vincha bayom hahu leimor, ba’avur zeh asah Adonai li b’tzeiti mimitzrayim. Lo et avoteinu bilvad ga’al hakadosh baruch hu, ela af otanu ga’al imahem, shene’emar: v’otanu hotzi misham, l’ma’an havi otanu, latet lanu et ha’aretz asher nishba la’avoteinu.

Therefore we are obligated, to thank, sing the Hallel, praise, glorify, exalt, honor, bless, elevate and raise our voices for joy to the holy one, Blessed be He, Who performed all these miracles for our ancestors and therefore for us! You brought us from human servitude to freedom, from sorrow to joy, for a time of mourning to a festive day, from deep darkness to great light and from slavery to redemption! In Your presence we renew our singing as in ancient days: Hallel-lu-yah Sing Hallel to God.

Cover the matza and raise the cup of wine until it is drunk at the end of Maggid.

לְפִיכָךְ אֲנַחְנוּ חַיָבִים לְהוֹדוֹת, לְהַלֵל, לְשַׁבֵּחַ, לְפָאֵר, לְרוֹמֵם, לְהַדֵּר, לְבָרֵךְ, לְעַלֵּה וּלְקַלֵּס לְמִי שֶׁעָשָׂה לַאֲבוֹתֵינוּ וְלָנוּ אֶת כָּל הַנִסִּים הָאֵלוּ: הוֹצִיאָנוּ מֵעַבְדוּת לְחֵרוּת מִיָּגוֹן לְשִׂמְחָה, וּמֵאֵבֶל לְיוֹם טוֹב, וּמֵאֲפֵלָה לְאוֹר גָּדוֹל, וּמִשִּׁעְבּוּד לִגְאֻלָּה. וְנֹאמַר לְפָנָיו שִׁירָה חֲדָשָׁה: הַלְלוּיָהּ

L’fichach anachnu chayavim l’hodot, l’hallel, l’shabeiach, l’faeir, l’romeim, l’hadeir, l’vareich, l’aleih ul’kaleis, l’mi she’asah a’avoteinu v’lanu et kol hanisim haeilu: hotzianu meiavdut l’cheirut miyagon l’simchah, umei’eivel l’yom tov, umei’afeilah l’or gadol, umishibud ligulah. V’nomar l’fanav shirah chadashah: halleluyah.

Therefore it is our duty to thank and praise, pay tribute and glorify, exalt and honor, bless and acclaim the One who performed all these miracles for our fathers and for us. He took us out of slavery into freedom, out of grief into joy, out of mourning into a festival, out of darkness into a great light, out of slavery into redemption. We will recite a new song before Him! Halleluyah!

Hallel Excerpts

הַלְלוּיָהּ הַלְלוּ עַבְדֵי יי, הַלְלוּ אֶת שֵׁם יי. יְהִי שֵׁם יי מְבֹרָךְ מֵעַתָּה וְִעַד עוֹלָם. מִמִּזְרַח שֶׁמֶשׁ עַד מְבוֹאוֹ מְהֻלָּל שֵׁם יי. רָם עַל כָּל גּוֹיִם יי, עַל הַשָּׁמַיִם כְּבוֹדוֹ. מִי כַּיי אֱלֹהֵינוּ הַמַּגְבִּיהִי לָשָׁבֶת, הַמַּשְׁפִּילִי לִרְאוֹת בַּשָּׁמַיִם וּבָאָרֶץ? מְקִימִי מֵעָפָר דָּל, מֵאַשְׁפֹּת יָרִים אֶבְיוֹן, לְהוֹשִׁיבִי עִם נְדִיבִים, עִם נְדִיבֵי עַמּוֹ. מוֹשִׁיבִי עֲקֶרֶת הַבַּיִת, אֵם הַבָּנִים שִׂמְחָה. הַלְלוּיָהּ

Halleluyah hal’lu avdei Adonai, hal’lu et sheim Adonai. Y’hi sheim Adonai m’vorach mei’atah v’ad olam. Mimizrach shemesh ad m’vo’o m’hulal sheim Adonai. Ram al kol goyim Adonai, al hashamayim k’vodo. Mi k’Adonai Eloheinu hamagbihi lashavet, hamashpili lirot bashamayim uva’aretz? M’kimi mei’afar dal, mei’ashpot yarim evyon, l’hoshivi im nidivim, im nidivei amo. Moshivi akeret habayit, eim habanim s’meichah. Halleluyah.

Praise the Lord! Praise, you servants of the Lord, praise the name of the Lord. Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and forever. From the rising of the sun to its setting, the Lord’s name is to be praised. High above all nations is the Lord; above the heavens is His glory. Who is like the Lord our God, who though enthroned on high, looks down upon heaven and earth? He raises the poor man out of the dust and lifts the needy one out of the trash heap, to seat them with nobles, with the nobles of His people. He turns the barren wife into a happy mother of children. Halleluyah!

בְּצֵאת יִשְׂרָאֵל מִמִמִּרַָים , בֵּית יַעֲקֹב מֵעַם לֹעֵז, הָיְתָה יְהוּדָּה לְקָדְשׁוֹ, יִשְׂרָאֵל מַמְשְׁלוֹתָיו. הַיָּם רָאָה וַיַָּנֹס, הַיַרְדֵּן יִסֹּב לְאָחוֹר. הֶהָרִים רָקְדוּ כְאֵילִים, גְּבַָעוֹת - כִּבְנֵי צֹאן. מַה לְּךָ הַיָּם כִּי תָנוּס, הַיַּרְדֵן - תִּסֹּב לְאָחוֹר, הֶהָרִים - תִּרְקְדוּ כְאֵילִים, גְּבַָעוֹת - כִּבְנֵי צֹאן. מִלְּפְנֵי אָדוֹן חוּלִי אָרֶץ, מִלְּפְנֵי אֱלוֹהַ יַעֲקֹב. הַהֹפְכִי הַצּוּר אֲגַם מָיִם, חַלָּמִיש - לְמַעְיְנוֹ מָיִם

 

B’tzeit Yisrael mimitzrayim, beit Ya’akov mei’am lo’eiz, haytah yihudah likodsho, Yisrael mamshilotav. Hayam ra’ah vayanos, hayardein yisov l’achor. Heharim rakedu che’eilim, giva’ot – kivnei tzon. Mah l’cha hayam ki tanus, hayardein – tisov l’achor, heharim tirkedu che’eilim, givaot – kivnei tzon. Milifnei adon chuli aretz, milifnei eloha Ya’akov. Hahofchi hatzur agam mayim, chalamish – lemayno mayim.

When Israel went out of Egypt, When the household of Jacob left a people with a strange tongue, Judah became the place from which God’s holiness went forth, Israel became the seat from which the world would know of Gods rule. The sea looked and fled, The Jordan reversed its curse. Mountains skipped like rams and the hills jumped about like young lambs. What is happening that you turn back, O sea, Jordan, why do you reverse your course? Mountains, why do you skip like rams And hills why do you jump like lambs? You are beholding the face of your Creator, Before God, before the God of Jacob, Turning rocks into swirling waters and stone into a flowing spring.

KOS SHEINEE

The Second Cup of Wine

בָּרוּךְ אתה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ העוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר גְּאָלָנוּ וְגָּאַל אֶת אֲבוֹתֵינוּ מִמִּצְרַים , וְהִגִּיעָנוּ לַלַּיְלָה הַזֶּה לֶאֱכָל בּוֹ מַצָּה וּמָרוֹר. כֵּן יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ יַגִּיעֵנוּ לְמוֹעֲדִים וְלִרְגָלִים אֲחֵרִים הַבָּאִים לִקְרָאתֵנוּ לְשָׁלוֹם, שְׂמֵחִים בְּבִנְיַן עִירֶךָ וְשָׂשִׂים בַּעֲבוֹדָתֶךָ. וְנֹאכַל שָׁם מִן הַזְּבָחִים וּמִן הַפְּסָחִים אֲשֶׁר יַגִּיעַ דָּמָם עַל קִיר מִזְבַּחֲךָ לְרָצוֹן, וְנוֹדֶה לְךָ שִׁיר חָדָש עַל גְּאֻלָּתֵנוּ ועַל פְּדוּת נַפְשֵׁנוּ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי גָּאַל יִשְׂרָאֵל

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha’olam, asher g’alanu v’ga’al et avoteinu mimitzrayim, v’higianu lalaylah hazeh le’echol bo matzah umaror. Kein Adonai Eloheinu vEilohei avoteinu yagi’einu l’mo’adim v’lirgalim acheirim haba’im likrateinu l’shalom, s’meichim b’vinyan irecha v’sasim ba’avodatecha. V’nochal sham min hazvachim umin hapsachim asher yagia damam al kir mizbachacha l’ratzon, v’nodeh l’cha shir chadash al g’ulateinu v’al p’dut nafsheinu. Baruch Atah Adonai, ga’al Yisrael.

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech haolam, borei p’ri hagafen.

Praised are you, Adonai, our God, sovereign of the universe, who has redeemed us and our fathers from Egypt and enabled us to reach this night that we may eat matzo and marror. Lord our God and God of our fathers, enable us to reach also the forthcoming holidays and festivals in peace, rejoicing in the rebuilding of Zion your city, and joyful at your service. There we shall eat of the offerings and Passover sacrifices which will be acceptably placed upon your altar. We shall sing a new hymn of praise to you for our redemption and for our liberation. Praised are you, Adonai, who has redeemed Israel.

Praised are you, Adonai, our God, sovereign of the universe, who has created the fruit of the vine.

Chapter 3

1. Jerry was pasturing the roosters and the hens and the chickens of Frank, his father-in-law, the chief of Queens, and he led the poultry to the free pastureland, and he came to the mountain of God, just a couple of blocks up from Famous Original Ray’s Pizza off of Rockaway beach.

1. An angel of the Lord appeared to him in a flame of fire from within the thorn bush, and behold, the bush was burning like a urinating man with gonorrhea. But unlike a ’47 cabin, the bush was not burned.

1. So Jerry said, “Let me now see this great spectacle, why does the bush not burn. This should be fun.”

1. The Lord saw that Jerry had turned to see, and God – a bit of a burning-bush talker - called to him from within the bush, and He said, "Jerry! Hello!!" And Jerry said, "Here I am! What are you doing? You can’t have angles shoving themselves into 600 degree bushes!” And God said, “It’s all supervised.”

5    And God said, "Do not draw near here. Take your shoes off your feet, because the place upon which you stand is holy soil." But Jerry refused, saying “Between you and me, God, I think I’ve got a foot odor problem.” But God insisted, speaking in a tongue unfamiliar to Jerry and said, “Eno Enoa Juang.”

1. And Jerry said, “Oh Lord, I do not understand.” And God replied, “It’s Korean. It means ‘This guy…this is not my kind of guy’.” But Jerry protested saying “No, God, I am your kind of guy, though between you and me I think I think you are placing a lot of importance on shoe removal”.

1. Jerry was ashamed in the eyes of God and removed his shoes, though he muttered “You don’t have to make a federal case out of it,” as if God didn’t have super-human hearing. But God let it slide.

1. And He said, "I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob." And Moses hid his face because he was afraid to look toward God. But he felt a poke and he took a peak.

1. And the Lord said, "I have surely seen the affliction of My people who are in Manhattan, and I have heard their cries because of their slave drivers and the difficulty finding a decent parking spot and the ridiculously high rents, for I know their pains.

1. I have descended to rescue them from the hands of the oppressive Manhattanites and to bring them up from that land, to a good and spacious land, to a land flowing with milk and honey.

1.  To the place of the Miami-ites and the Lauderdalians; the West Palm Beachniks and the Bal Harborians; the Sarasota-ites and the Tampa-Saint Pederasts. And the Moops.

1. And My people the children of Israel will be Masters of their Domain.

1. So now come and take My people…please - That Henny Youngman cracks me up. Is he still alive? - No, seriously. Take My people out of Manhattan."

1. But Jerry said to God, "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh Newman, and that I should take the children of Israel out of Manhattan?" And God replied “Ted Danson wasn’t available.”

1. Jerry said to God, "Behold I shall come to the children of Israel, and I shall say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you’, and they shall say to me, 'What is His name?' What shall I say to them?"

1. God said to Moses, “Tell them to call me ‘I Will Be What I Will Be’." And Jerry smirked and said “Yeah, that’ll go over really well.” And God said “What? No good?!” And Jerry questioned God saying, “I Will Be What I Will Be?! What does that even mean?” And God challenged Jerry saying, “What? And you could do better? And Jerry sniggered saying, “Well I think I can do better than that.”

1. And God grew annoyed and said “Fine. Call me whatever the hell you want. Just go, already!“ And Jerry said, “How about Art Cor…velay?” And God said, “Get the hell outta here!” And Jerry countered, saying, “Vandelay?” And God heard that it was good, well not good but adequate, and he said, “Giddyup!”

1. And Jerry turned, but God cried after him, “And don’t forget the part about ‘surely remembering them and what is being done to them’ -“ And Jerry cut him off saying, “Yeah, I got it. You remembered.” But God continued, “and tell them ‘I will bring you up out of the affliction of the’-“ And Jerry grew irritated, saying “Yeah. Milk. Honey. I got it!”

1. But The Lord God of the Hebrews would not Yada Yada. He went on, “And they will hearken to your voice, and you shall come, you and the elders of Israel, to Newman, and you shall say to him, 'The Lord God of the Hebrews, Art Vandelay, has happened upon us, and now, let us go for a three days' journey in the desert and offer up sacrifices to the Lord, our God’.”

1. Jerry was unimpressed. “The desert? Three days?” And God said, “It’s a dry heat. You can clean house a little bit,” signifying not a scratch of the nose, but a pick therein.

1. And Jerry took the opportunity to remark on God’s habit of referring to himself in the third person saying, “You know, I’ve never heard anyone talk the way you do. It’s very unusual.” And The Lord said, “Well, God is very unusual.”

1. And God got back to the business at hand saying, “However, I know that Newman will not permit you to go, except through a mighty hand.

1. And I will stretch forth My hand and smite the Manhattanites with all My miracles that I will wreak in their midst, and afterwards he will send you out”.

1. And Jerry said, “Smite? Don’t you think that’s coming on a little too strong? Isn’t that like a turn-off?” And God did roll his eyes and say, “Jerry. He’s a GUY.”

 

1. And God said, “And it will come to pass that when you go, you will not go empty handed. Each woman shall “borrow” from her neighbor, silver and gold objects and you shall empty out Manhattan. Gold, Jerry! Gold!”

רחצה

Rachtzah

Wash hands while reciting the traditional blessing for washing the hands:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדְשָׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ עַל נְטִילַת יָדַיִם.

Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu melech ha-olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav, v'tzivanu al n'tilat yadayim.

Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who has taught us the way of holiness through commandments, commanding us to wash our hands.

Chapter 4

1   Jerry answered and said, "Behold they will not believe me, and they will not heed my voice, but they will say, 'The Lord has not appeared to you’. "

2    And the Lord said to him, "What do you have in your puffy shirt?" And he said, "Nothing.” And God said “Jerry, you’re obviously lying. I can plainly see you have something in your puffy shirt.”

3    And God said, "take it out," “It?” “It.” “out?” “out.” And so Jerry did reluctantly show God the Tweety Bird Pez dispenser he was indeed concealing in his puffy shirt, and lo it did need air.

4    And God said, “Cast the Pez to the ground” and Jerry cast it to the ground, and it became a serpent, and Jerry fled from before it, like the time he found a hair in his farina and freaked out.

4    And the Lord said to Jerry, "Stretch forth your hand and take hold of its tail." So Jerry stretched forth his hand and grasped it, though he did crinkle his face up and held the serpent as far from himself as possible, and it again became a Tweety Bird Pez dispenser in his hand.

6    And the Lord said further to him, "Your hands, they’re quite exquisite. They are so soft and milky white. Now put your hand into your bosom. No the other one." and he put his hand into his bosom, and he took it out, and behold, his hand had a discoloration on it, also white, but not of the milky kind.

7    And God said, "Put your hand back into your bosom. No the other one." And he put his hand back into his bosom, and when he took it out of his bosom, lo there was no white discoloration, only an exquisite, milky white hand, like the other one.

8    “And it will come to pass, if they do not believe either of these two signs, and they do not heed your voice, you shall take of the water of the Hudson and spill it upon the dry land, and the water that you take from the Hudson will become Snapple on the dry land."

9    Jerry said to the Lord, "I beseech You, O Lord. I am not a man of words, Yea, a bit of a lispy-talker.”

10       But the Lord said to him, "Who gave man a mouth, or who makes one dumb or deaf or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? And Jerry said, “Get out!! I was just talking about that to my friends the other day; if it would be better to date the deaf or the blind. Now I said the deaf because – “

12       So now, go! I will be with your mouth, and I will instruct you what you shall speak. "

13       But Jerry said, "I beseech You, O Lord, send now your message with another whom You would send."

14       And The Lord said, “God is getting upset! Is there not George your brother, the Levite? I know that he will surely speak, and behold, he is coming forth toward you, and when he sees you, he will rejoice in his heart. And Jerry said, “I don’t know so much about ‘rejoice’.”

15       “You shall speak to him, and you shall put the words into his mouth, and I will be with your mouth and with his mouth, and I will instruct you both what you shall do.”

16       “Whose mouth now?”

17       And God had an idea and said, “I just had a great idea. You will speak and George will speak for you, to the people, and it will be that he will be your speaker, and you will be his leader.”

18       “So you want him to read my lips? He’s not a novelty act, God. Where you hire him out for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.”

1. And God said, “Look. It’s a skill just like juggling. He probably enjoys showing it off.” But Jerry remained unconvinced. The Lord continued, “Could you ask him? Just ask him. If he says no, case closed.” And George came forth and said, “Sure. I’ll do it.”

1. And God commanded Jerry, “You shall take this Pez dispenser in your hand, with which you shall perform the signs." And Jerry, again with the nose crinkling bemoaned, “But it’s been on the floor!”

1. Jerry went and returned to Frank, his father in law, and he said to him, "Let me go now and return to my brothers who are in Manhattan, and let me see whether they are still alive." So Frank said to Moses, "Ach! Get the hell outta here!!"

1. The Lord said to Jerry in Queens, "Go, return to Manhattan, for all the people who sought your life have died or moved to Jersey."

1. So Jerry took his wife and his sons, mounted them upon the Saab, and he returned to the land of Manhattan, and Jerry took the Pez dispenser of God in his milky white hand.

1. The Lord said to Jerry, "When you go to return to Manhattan, see all the sights! I mean all the signs! Signs… see all the signs that I have placed in your milky white hand and perform them before Newman, but I will harden his coronary arteries, and he will not send out the people.

1. And you shall say to Newman, 'So said the Lord, Art Vandelay, "My firstborn son is Israel”.'

1. So I say to you, 'Send out My son so that he will worship Me, but if you refuse to send him out, behold, I am going to slay your firstborn son, the Bubble Boy.' "

1. Now Jerry was on the way, staying at The Plaza, humming “Master of the house, keeper of the Inn…” when the Lord met him and sought to put him to death.

1. Elaine took a sharp stone and severed her son's foreskin - which to her had no face, no personality - and cast it to Jerry’s feet, and she said, "For you are a bridegroom of blood to me.[1]" Jerry said, “First of all, what the hell does that mean? Second, I’m dying here and you’re throwing a spontaneous bris? You’re no mohel, Shakey.”

1. And God said “Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry, 'cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your child 'cause this is the time to exercise it when baby is crying in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you insane?!!”

1. So God released Jerry. Then Elaine said, "A bridegroom of blood concerning the circumcision." And under his breath, Jerry said “I still don’t know what that means.”

1. The Lord said to George, "Go toward Jerry, to the desert." And George Replied, “I am down. Mark me down!” So he went and met him on the mount of God, and he kissed him, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

1. And Jerry mouthed George all the words of the Lord with which He had sent him and all the signs that He had commanded him.

33 So Jerry and George went, and they assembled all the elders of the children of Israel. And George did read his lips and spoke most the words that the Lord had spoken to Jerry, messing up only one or two - ok maybe more than two, but they got the gist of it - and he performed the signs before the eyes of the people.

34 And the people believed, and they heard that the Lord, Art Vandelay, had remembered the children of Israel and that He saw their affliction, and they kneeled and prostrated themselves and said “You are a very good man.” And Jerry thought to himself, “Yes, I am a good man. A very, very good man.”

Motzi-Matzah מוֹצִיא

Take the three matzot - the broken piece between the two whole ones – and hold them in your hand and recite the following blessing:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם הַמּוֹצִיא לֶחֶם מִן הָאָרֶץ

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, hamotzi lechem min ha-aretz.

Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who provides sustenance from the earth.

Before eating the matzah, put the bottom matzah back in its place and continue, reciting the following blessing while holding only the top and middle piece of matzah.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ עַל אֲכִילַת מַצָּה

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al achilat matzah.

Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who has taught us the way of holiness through commandments, commanding us to eat matzah.

Break the top and middle matzot into pieces and distribute them everyone at the table to eat a while reclining to the left.

Maror מָרוֹר

Now take a kezayit (the volume of one olive) of the maror. Dip it into the Charoset, but not so much that the bitter taste is neutralized. Recite the following blessing and then eat the maror (without reclining):

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ עַל אֲכִילַת מָרוֹר.

Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu melech ha-olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al achilat maror.

Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who has taught us the way of holiness through commandments, commanding us to eat the bitter herb.

Korech כּוֹרֵךְ

זֵכֶר לְמִקְדָּשׁ כְּהִלֵּל. כֵּן עָשָׂה הִלֵּל בִּזְמַן שבֵּית הַמִּקְדָּשׁ הָיָה קַיָים: הָיָה כּוֹרֵךְ מַצָּה וּמָרוֹר וְאוֹכֵל בְּיַחַד, לְקַיֵים מַה שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: עַל מַצּוֹת וּמְרֹרִים יֹאכְלֻהוּ.

Zeicher l'mikdash k'hileil. Kein asah hileil bizman shebeit hamikdash hayah kayam. Hayah koreich pesach, matzah, u-maror v'ocheil b'yachad. L'kayeim mah shene-emar. “Al matzot um'rorim yochlu-hu.”

Eating matzah, maror and haroset this way reminds us of how, in the days of the Temple, Hillel would do so, making a sandwich of the Pashal lamb, matzah and maror, in order to observe the law “You shall eat it (the Pesach sacrifice) on matzah and maror.”

Chapter Five

1. And afterwards, Jerry and George came and said to Newman, "Hello Newman. So said the Lord God of Israel, 'Send out My people, and let them sacrifice to Me in the desert'. "

1. And Newman said, “Hello Jerry. Who is the Lord that I should heed His voice to let Israel out? I do not know the Lord, neither will I let Israel out."

1. And they said, "Art Vandelay, The God of the Hebrews has happened upon us. Now let us go on a three-day journey in the desert and sacrifice to the Lord our God, lest He strike us with a plague or with the sword."

1. But the king of Manhattan said to them, "Why, Jerry and George, do you disturb the people from their work making bagels? Go to your own labors." Then they all got into this whole thing about importing and exporting, with Newman refusing to import more seeds - neither poppy, nor sesame - yet demanding that the Hebrews export more bagels.

1. And Newman’s taskmasters and postmasters noodged the Hebrews and did heckle them with lines that were so played and hacky. And they did insult the Hebrews, remarking that their furniture was so un-Karl Farbman-like.

1. And the elders of the children of Israel came to Jerry and George and they said, “Thanks a lot, bigmouths!”

1. And Jerry said “What? What did we do?” and the elders of the children of Israel told of Newman’s hocking. And Jerry said unto God, “That’s just great.”

Shulchan Orech  שֻׁלְחָן עוֹרֵךְ

Now is time to enjoy the festival meal and participate in lively discussion. It is permitted to drink wine between the second and third cups.

Chapter Six

1. And the Lord said unto Jerry, "Now just you wait and see what I’ll do to Newman…yada, yada…covenant…yada, yada…bondage…yada, yada… outstretched arm and with great judgments…yada, yada… and you will know that I am the Lord your God, who has brought you out from under the burdens of the Manhattanites”.

1. So Jerry spoke thus to the children of Israel of the bondage and of the freeing, but they did not hearken to Jerry because, really, who has the time?

1. The Lord spoke to Jerry, saying, “Come, speak to Newman, and he will let the children of Israel out of his land."

1. But Jerry spoke before the Lord, saying, "Behold, the children of Israel did not hearken to me. How then will Newman hearken to me, seeing that I am of closed lips? No hearkening."

1. So the Lord spoke to Jerry and to George, and He commanded them concerning the children of Israel and concerning Newman, to let the children of Israel out of the land of Manhattan.

1. And Jerry said “Why me, Lord?” And God said “Because that’s your thing.” And Jerry said, “What? Calling Pharaohs I hardly know, and demanding they release their slaves? That’s my thing?” And God said, “Yeah. That’s your thing.”

1. These are the heads of the fathers’ houses: Yada, Yada and Yada…

Tzafun

צָפוּן

After the meal, take the Afikoman and divide it among all the guests at the Seder table.

It is forbidden to drink or eat anything (except the remaining two ritual cups of wine) after eating  the Afikoman.

Chapter Seven

1. The Lord said to Jerry, “You shall speak all that I command you,” but because of the no hearken concern, Jerry did challenge George to choose him for it. And Jerry was odds. And George was evens. And on the fourth and final choose, Jerry shot a two and George shot a one. And Jerry was victorious. And he chose not to talk to Newman. And God said, “Fine. Whatever. Will one of you just speak to Newman, that he let the children of Israel out of his land?!”

1. But I will harden Newman’s cardiac arteries, and I will increase My signs and My wonders in the land of Manhattan.

1. And Jerry said, “Let me get this straight. You want us to ask Newman to free the children of Israel. Then, you will make him NOT free the children of Israel. And Then you’ll use your signs and wonders so he WILL free the children of Israel… Yeah, that’s normal.”

1. God, wanting to be really, really clear about this, repeated himself, yet again, “Newman will not hearken to you, and I will lay My hand upon the Manhattanites, and I will take My legions, My people, the children of Israel, out of Manhattan with great judgments.”

1. And Jerry said, “Oh yeah. I like this idea.”

1. And despite the sarcasm, Jerry and George did as the Lord commanded them.  And George confessed to Jerry saying, “I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.”

1. And Jerry was eighty years old, and George was eighty-three years old when they spoke to Newman.

1. The Lord spoke to Jerry and George, saying, "When Newman speaks to you, saying, 'Provide a sign for yourselves,' do the Pez/snake thing.

1. Thereupon, Jerry and George came to Newman, and they did so, as the Lord had commanded, the Pez/snake thing.

1. Then, Newman too summoned the wise men and the magicians, and the necromancers of Manhattan and they too had Pez dispensers (though no Tweety Birds).

1. Each one of them cast down his Pez, and they became serpents; but the Tweety Bird Pez serpents swallowed their Pez serpents.

1. But Newman’s heart remained steadfast, and he did not hearken to them, as the Lord had spoken. No heark.

1. The Lord said to Jerry, "Newman’s heart is heavy – OK, all of Newman is heavy –  he has refused to let the people out. And Jerry said, “Yeah. We know. You told us that was going to happen. Can we move along in the story please?”

1. And God strongly suggested, “Go to Newman in the morning; behold, he is going forth to the water, and you shall stand opposite him on the bank of the Hudson.” And Jerry protested saying, “Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party”.

1. God pretended not to hear that and went on, “You shall say to him, 'The Lord God of the Hebrews, Art Vandelay, sent me to you, saying, "Send forth My people, so that they may serve Me in the desert," but behold, until now, you have not hearkened.” And George leaned into Jerry and whispered, “Again with the hearken.”

1. And so God told Jerry to tell George to tell Newman that God told Jerry to tell Newman, "With this you will know that I am the Lord." Behold, I will smite with the Pez that is in my hand upon the water that is in the Hudson, and it will turn to blood.

1. And the fish that are in the Hudson will die, and the Hudson will become putrid, and the Manhattanites will weary in their efforts to drink water from the Hudson.”  Whereupon George said, “I hate to break it to you, Lord, but the fish in the Hudson are already dead, and the Manhattanites aren’t exactly falling all over each other to drink the water.”

1. The Lord said to Jerry, "Tell George, 'Take your Pez and stretch forth your hand over the waters of Manhattan, over their rivers, over their indoor pools, over their outdoor pools, over their baths and bidets, and over all their bodies of water, and they will become blood, and there will be blood throughout the entire land of Manhattan. It’s all pipes.” But Jerry had taken off the first time he heard God say the word ‘Blood’.

1. George did as the Lord had commanded, and he raised the Pez and struck the water that was in the Hudson before the eyes of Newman and before the eyes of all the postmen, and all the water that was in the Hudson turned to blood.

1. And the fish that were in the Hudson remained dead, and the Hudson remained putrid; the Manhattanites could not drink water, but only of Hennigan’s.

1. And the necromancers of Manhattan did likewise with their secret rites and one even did dove tricks, and Newman’s heart was steadfast, and he did not heed them, as the Lord had spoken. So really, what was the point?

Barech בָּרֵךְ

Pour the third cup of wine and recite Birkat Hamazon (Blessing after the Meal).

שִׁיר הַמַּעֲלוֹת:

בְּשׁוּב יהוה אֶת־שִׁיבַת צִיּוֹן הָיִ֫ינוּ כְּחֹלְמִים. אָז יִמָּלֵא שְׂחוֹק פִּינוּ וּלְשׁוֹנֵנוּ רִנָּה, אָז יֹאמְרוּ בַגּוֹיִם, הִגְדִּיל יְיָ לַעֲשׂוֹת עִם אֵלֶּה. הִגְדִּיל יְיָ לַעֲשׂוֹת עִמָּנוּ, הָיִינוּ שְׂמֵחִים. שׁוּבָה יְיָ אֶת שְׁבִיתֵנוּ, כַּאֲפִיקִים בַּנֶּגֶב. הַזֹּרְעִים בְּדִמְעָה בְּרִנָּה יִקְצֹרוּ. הָלוֹךְ יֵלֵךְ וּבָכֹה נֹשֵׂא מֶשֶׁךְ הַזָּרַע, בֹּא יָבֹא בְרִנָּה נֹשֵׂא אֲלֻמֹּתָיו.

תְּהִלַּת יְיָ יְדַבֶּר פִּי, וִיבָרֵךְ כָּל בָּשָׂר שֵׁם קָדְשׁוֹ לְעוֹלָם וָעֶד. וַאֲנַחְנוּ נְבָרֵךְ יָהּ מֵעַתָּה וְעַד עוֹלָם הַלְלוּיָהּ. הוֹדוּ לַייָ כִּי טוֹב כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ. מִי יְמַלֵּל גְּבוּרוֹת יְיָ יַשְׁמִיעַ כָּל תְּהִלָּתוֹ

Shir Hama’alot, b’shuv Adonai et shee-vat Tzion, ha-yeenu k’chol meem. Az y’ma-lei s’chok pee-nu u’l-sho-nei-nu reena, az yo-m’ru va-goyim, heeg-deel Adonai la-asot eem eleh. Heeg-deel Adonai la-asot eemanu, ha-yee-nu s’mei-cheem. Shuva Adonai et sh’vee-tei-nu, ka-afee-keem ba-negev. Ha-zor-eem b’deem-ah b’reena yeek-tzo-ru. Ha-loch yei-lech u-va-cho no-sei me-shech hazara, bo yavo v’reena, no-sei alu-mo-tav.

T’hilat Adonai y’daber pi, vivareich kol basar shem kod’sho l’olam va’ed. Va-anachnu n’varech ya, mei-ata v’ad olam, hal’luya. Hodu la-Adonai ki tov, ki l’olam chasdo. Mi y’maleil g’vurot Adonai, yashmi’a kol t’hilato.

When the Lord returns us from exile back to Zion, it will be as though in a dream. We will laugh and sing with joy. It shall be said around the world: “The Lord has done great things for them.” The Lord did great things for us, and we shall rejoice. God, restore our fortunes. We shall be like streams in the Negev. Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. Though the farmer bears the measure of seed to the field in sadness, he shall come home with joy, bearing his sheaves.

Include parentheses when there is a minayn present.

Leader:

רַבּוֹתַי נְבָרֵךְ

Rabotai n’vareich.

Friends, let us say grace.

Participants:

יְהִי שֵׁם יְיָ מְבֹרָךְ מֵעַתָּה וְעַד עוֹלָם.

Y’hee sheim Adonai m’vo-rach mei-atah v’ad olam.

Praised be the name of the Lord now and forever.

Leader:

יְהִי שֵׁם יְיָ מְבֹרָךְ מֵעַתָּה וְעַד עוֹלָם. בִּרְשׁוּת מָרָנָן וְרַבָּנָן וְרַבּוֹתַי נְבָרֵך (אֱלֹהֵינוּ) שֶׁאָכַלְנוּ מִשֶּׁלוֹ.

Y’hee sheim Adonai m’vorach mei-atah v’ad olam. Beer-shut maranan v’rabanan v’rabotai, n’vareich (Eloheinu) she’achalnu mee-shelo.

Praised be the name of the Lord now and forever. With your permission, let us now bless (our God) whose food we have eaten.

Participants:

בָּרוּךְ (אֱלֹהֵינוּ) שֶׁאָכַלְנוּ מִשֶּׁלוֹ וּבְטוּבוֹ חָיִּינוּ.

Baruch (Eloheinu) she’achalnu mishelo uv’tuvo chayinu.

Blessed be (our God) whose food we have eaten.

Leader:

בָּרוּךְ (אֱלֹהֵינוּ) שֶׁאָכַלְנוּ מִשֶּׁלוֹ וּבְטוּבוֹ חָיִּינוּ.

Baruch (Eloheinu) she’achalnu mishelo uv’tuvo chayinu.

Blessed be (our God) whose food we have eaten.

All together:

בָּרוּךְ הוּא וּבָרוּך שְׁמוֹ.

Baruch hu u-varuch sh’mo.

Blessed be He and blessed be His name.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, הַזָּן אֶת הָעוֹלָם כֻּלּוֹ בְּטוּבוֹ בְּחֵן בְּחֶסֶד וּבְרַחֲמִים הוּא נוֹתֵן לֶחֶם לְכָל בָּשָׂר, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ. וּבְטוּבוֹ הַגָּדוֹל תָּמִיד לֹא חָסַר לָנוּ וְאַל יֶחְסַר לָנוּ מָזוֹן לְעוֹלָם וָעֶד. בַּעֲבוּר שְׁמוֹ הַגָּדוֹל כִּי הוּא אֵל זָן וּמְפַרְנֵס לַכֹּל וּמֵטִיב לַכֹּל וּמֵכִין מָזוֹן לְכָל בְּרִיּוֹתָיו אֲשֶׁר בָּרָא. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, הַזָּן אֶת הַכֹּל.

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, hazan et ha-olam kulo b’tuvo, b’chein b’chesed uv-rachamim, hu noten lechem l’chol basar, ki l’olam chasdo, uv-tuvo hagadol, tamid lo chasar lanu v’al yechsar lanu mazon l’olam va’ed. Ba-avur sh’mo hagadol, ki hu Eil zan um’farneis lakol, u-meitiv lakol u-meichin mazon l’chol-b’riyotav asher bara. Baruch atah Adonai, hazan et hakol.

Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who nourishes the whole world. Your kindness endures forever. May we never be in want of sustenance. God sustains us all, doing good to all, and providing food for all creation. Praised are you, Adonai, who sustains all.

נוֹדֶה לְךָ יְיָ אֱלֹהֵינוּ עַל שֶׁהִנְחַלְתָּ לַאֲבוֹתֵינוּ אֶרֶץ חֶמְדָּה טוֹבָה וּרְחָבָה, וְעַל שֶׁהוֹצֵאתָנוּ יְיָ אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֵאֶרֶץ מִצְרַיִם וּפְדִיתָנוּ מִבֵּית עֲבָדִים, וְעַל בְּרִיתְךָ שֶׁחָתַמְתָּ בִּבְשָׂרֵנוּ, וְעַל תּוֹרָתְךָ שֶׁלִמַּדְתָּנוּ, וְעַל חֻקֶּיךָ שֶׁהוֹדַעְתָּנוּ, וְעַל חַיִּים חֵן וָחֶסֶד שֶׁחוֹנַנְתָּנוּ, וְעַל אֲכִילַת מָזוֹן שָׁאַתָּה זָן וּמְפַרְנֵס אוֹתָנוּ תָּמִיד בְּכָל יוֹם וּבְכָל עֵת וּבְכָל שָׁעָה.

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, hazan et ha-olam kulo b’tuvo, b’chein b’chesed uv-rachamim, hu noten lechem l’chol basar, ki l’olam chasdo, uv-tuvo hagadol, tamid lo chasar lanu v’al yechsar lanu mazon l’olam va’ed. Ba-avur sh’mo hagadol, ki hu Eil zan um’farneis lakol, u-meitiv lakol u-meichin mazon l’chol-b’riyotav asher bara. Baruch atah Adonai, hazan et hakol.

We thank you, Adonai, Lord our God, for having given a beautiful, good, and spacious land; for having taken us out from the land of Egypt and redeemed us from the house of slavery; for Your covenant which You sealed in our flesh; for Your Torah which You taught us; for the life, grace and kindness You have granted us; and for the food with which You always sustain us.

וְעַל הַכֹּל יְיָ אֱלֹהֵינוּ אֲנַחְנוּ מוֹדִים לָךְ וּמְבָרְכִים אוֹתָךְ יִתְבָּרַךְ שִׁמְךָ בְּפִי כָל חַי תָּמִיד לְעוֹלָם וָעֶד. כַּכָּתוּב, וְאָכַלְתָּ וְשָׂבָעְתָּ וּבֵרַכְתָּ אֶת יְיָ אֱלֹהֶיךָ עַל הָאָרֶץ הַטֹּבָה אֲשֶׁר נָתַן לָךְ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, עַל הָאָרֶץ וְעַל הַמָּזוֹן.

רַחֶם נָא יְיָ אֱלֹהֵינוּ עַל יִשְׂרָאֵל עַמֶּךָ וְעַל יְרוּשָׁלַיִם עִירֶךָ וְעַל צִיּוֹן מִשְׁכַּן כְּבוֹדֶךָ וְעַל מַלְכוּת בֵּית דָּוִד מְשִׁיחֶךָ וְעַל הַבַּיִת הַגָּדוֹל וְהַקָּדוֹשׁ שֶׁנִּקְרָא שִׁמְךָ עָלָיו. אֱלֹהֵינוּ אָבִינוּ רְעֵנוּ זוּנֵנוּ פַּרְנְסֵנוּ וְכַלְכְּלֵנוּ וְהַרְוִיחֵנוּ וְהַרְוַח לָנוּ יְיָ אֱלֹהֵינוּ מְהֵרָה מִכָּל צָרוֹתֵינוּ. וְנָא אַל תַּצְרִיכֵנוּ יְיָ אֱלֹהֵינוּ לֹא לִידֵי מַתְּנַת בָּשָׂר וָדָם וְלֹא לִידֵי הַלְוָאָתָם, כִּי אִם לְיָדְךָ הַמְּלֵאָה הַפְּתוּחָה הַקְּדוֹשָׁה וְהָרְחָבָה, שֶׁלּא נֵבוֹשׁ וְלֹא נִכָּלֵם לְעוֹלָם וָעֶד.

V’al hakol Adonai Eloheinu anachnu modim lach um’varchim otach, yitbarach shimcha b’fi kol chai tamid l’olam va’ed. Kakatuv, v’achalta v’savata uveirachta et Adonai Elohecha al ha’aretz hatova asher natan lach. Baruch atah Adonai al ha-aretz v’al hamazon.

Racheim na Adonai Eloheinu al Yisrael amecha v’al Y’rushalayim irecha v’al Tzion mishkan k’vodecha v’al malchut beit David m’shichecha v’al habayit hagadol v’hakadosh shenikra shimcha alav. Eloheinu Avinu r’einu zuneinu parn’seinu v’chalk’lenu v’harvicheinu v’harvach’lanu Adonai Eloheinu m’heira mikol-tzaroteinu. V’na al tatz’richeinu Adonai Eloheinu, lo lidei matnat basar vadam v’lo lidei hal’va’atam, ki im l’yad’cha ham’lei’a hap’tucha hak’dosha v’har’chava, shelo neivosh v’lo nikaleim l’olam va’ed.

For everything, Adonai, our God, we thank and praise You. May your name be blessed by all forever, as it is written: “After you have eaten and are satisfied, you shall bless Adonai, our God for the good land he has given you.” Praised are you, Adonai, for the land and the food.

Have mercy, Adonai our God, on Israel your people, on Jerusalem your city, on Zion the abode of your glory, on the kingdom of the house of David your anointed one, and on the great and holy Temple that bears your name. Our God, our Father, tend and feed us; sustained and support us and relieve us. Speedily, Adonai our God, grant us relief from all our troubles. Lord our God, O make us not rely on the gifts and loans of men but rather on your full, open and generous hand, that we may never be put to shame and disgrace.Adonai Eloheinu, lo lidei matnat basar vadam v’lo lidei hal’va’atam, ki im l’yad’cha ham’lei’a hap’tucha hak’dosha v’har’chava, shelo neivosh v’lo nikaleim l’olam va’ed.

(On Shabbat:

רְצֵה וְהַחֲלִיצֵנוּ יְיָ אֱלֹהֵינוּ בְּמִצְוֹתֶיךָ וּבְמִצְוַת יוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי הַשַׁבָּת הַגָּדוֹל וְהַקָדוֹשׂ הַזֶּה. כִּי יוֹם זֶה גָּדוֹל וְקָדוֹשׁ הוּא לְפָנֶיךָ לִשְׁבָּת בּוֹ וְלָנוּחַ בּוֹ בְּאַהֲבָה כְּמִצְוַת רְצוֹנֶךָ. וּבִרְצוֹנְךָ הָנִיחַ לָנוּ יְיָ אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁלֹּא תְהֵא צָרָה וְיָגוֹן וַאֲנָחָה בְּיוֹם מְנוּחָתֵנוּ. וְהַרְאֵנוּ יְיָ אֱלֹהֵינוּ בְּנֶחָמַת צִיּוֹן עִירֶךָ וּבְבִנְיַן יְרוּשָׁלַיִם עִיר קָדְשֶׁךָ כִּי אַתָּה הוּא בַּעַל הַיְשׁוּעוֹת וּבַעַל הַנֶּחָמוֹת.

R’tzei v’hachalitzeinu Adonai Eloheinu b’mitzvotecha, uv’mitvat yom hash’vi’i haShabbat hagadol v’hakadosh hazeh. Ki yom zeh gadol v’kadosh hu l’fanecha, lishbat bo v’lanuach bo b’ahavah k’miztvat r’tzonecha. U’birtzoncha hani’ach lanu Adonai Eloheinu, shelo t’hei tzara v’yagon va’anacha b’yom m’nuchateinu. V’har’einu Adonai Eloheinu b’nechamat Tzion irecha, uv’vinyan Yerushalayim ir kodshecha, ki atah hu ba’al ha’y’shuot u’va’al hanechamot.

Favor us and strengthen us, Lord our God, with your commandments – with the commandment concerning the seventh day, this great and holy Sabbath. This day is great and holy before you to abstain from work and rest on it in love according to your will. In your will, Lord our God, grant us rest so that there be nor sorrow and grief on our day of rest. Let us, Lord our God, live to see Zion your city comforted, Jerusalem your holy city rebuilt, for you art Master of all salvation and consolation.)

אֱלֹהֵינוּ וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ, יַעֲלֶה וְיָבֹא וְיַגִּיעַ וְיֵרָאֶה וְיֵרָצֶה וְיִשָּׁמַע וְיִפָּקֵד וְיִזָּכֵר זִכְרוֹנֵנוּ וּפִקְדּוֹנֵנוּ, וְזִכְרוֹן אֲבוֹתֵינוּ, וְזִכְרוֹן מָשִׁיחַ בֶּן דָּוִד עַבְדֶּךָ ,וְזִכְרוֹן יְרוּשָׁלַיִם עִיר קָדְשֶׁךָ, וְזִכְרוֹן כָּל עַמְּךָ בֵּית יִשְׂרָאֵל לְפָנֶיךָ, לִפְלֵטָה לְטוֹבָה לְחֵן וּלְחֶסֶד וּלְרַחֲמִים, לְחַיִּים וּלְשָׁלוֹם בְּיוֹם חַג הַמַּצּוֹת הַזֶּה. זָכְרֵנוּ יְיָ אֱלֹהֵינוּ בּוֹ לְטוֹבָה וּפָּקְדֵנוּ בוֹ לִבְרָכָה וְהוֹשִׁיעֵנוּ בוֹ לְחַיִּים. וּבִדְבַר יְשׁוּעָה וְרַחֲמִים חוּס וְחָנֵּנוּ וְרַחֵם עָלֵינוּ וְהוֹשִׁיעֵנוּ, כִּי אֵלֶיךָ עֵינֵינוּ, כִּי אֵל מֶלֶךְ חַנּוּן וְרַחוּם אָתָּה

Eloheinu vEilohei avoteinu, yaleh v’yavo v’yagiah v’yeira’eh v’yeiratzeh v’yishma v’yipakeid, v’yizacheir zichroneinu ufikdoneinu, v’zichron avoteinu, v’zichron Mashiach ben David avdecha, v’zikhron Y’rushalayim ir kodshecha, v’zichron kol amkha beit Yisrael l’fanecha, lifleita l’tova l’chein ul’chesed ul’rachamim, l’chayim ul’shalom b’yom chag hamatzot hazeh zochreinu Adonai Eloheinu bo l’tova ufokdeinu vo livracha v’hoshieinu vo l’chayim. uv’dvar y’shuah v’rachamim chus v’chaneinu v’racheim aleinu v’hoshieinu ki eilecha eineinu, ki eil melech chanun vrachum ata.

Our God and God of our fathers, may the remembrance of us, of our fathers, of the anointed son of David your servant, of Jerusalem your holy city, and of all your people the house of Israel, ascend, come, appear, be heard, and be accepted before you for deliverance and good, for grace, kindness and mercy, for life and peace, on this day of the Festival of Matzot. Remember us this day, Lord our God, for goodness; consider us for blessing; save us for life. With a word of salvation and mercy spare us and favor us; have pity on us and save us, for we look to you, for you art a gracious and merciful God and King.

וּבְנֵה יְרוּשָׁלַיִם עִיר הַקֹּדֶשׁ בִּמְהֵרָה בְיָמֵינוּ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, בּוֹנֵה בְרַחֲמָיו יְרוּשָׁלָיִם. אָמֵן.

Uv’nei Y’rushalayim ir hakodesh bimheira v’yameinu. Baruch atah Adonai, boneh v’rachamav Y’rushalayim. Amein.

Rebuild Jerusalem the holy city speedily in our days. Praised are you, Adonai, who will rebuild Jerusalem in mercy. Amen.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, הָאֵל אָבִינוּ מַלְכֵּנוּ אַדִּירֵנוּ בּוֹרְאֵנוּ גֹּאֲלֵנוּ יוֹצְרֵנוּ קְדוֹשֵׁנוּ קְדוֹשׁ יַעֲקֹב, רוֹעֵנוּ רוֹעֵה יִשְׂרָאֵל הַמֶּלֶךְ הַטּוֹב וְהַמֵּטִיב לַכֹּל שֶׁבְּכָל יוֹם וָיוֹם הוּא הֵטִיב הוּא מֵטִיב הוּא יֵיטִיב לָנוּ. הוּא גְמָלָנוּ הוּא גוֹמְלֵנוּ הוּא יִגְמְלֵנוּ לָעַד לְחֵן וּלְחֶסֶד וּלְרַחֲמִים וּלְרֶוַח הַצָּלָה וְהַצְלָחָה בְּרָכָה וִישׁוּעָה נֶחָמָה פַּרְנָסָה וְכַלְכָּלָה וְרַחֲמִים וְחַיִּים וְשָׁלוֹם וְכָל טוֹב, וּמִכָּל טוּב לְעוֹלָם אַל יְחַסְּרֵנוּ.

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha’olam, ha’Eil Avinu Malkeinu Adireinu Bor’einu Go’aleinu Yotz’reinu K’dosheinu k’dosh Ya’akov ro’einu ro’ei Yisrael Hamelech hatov v’hameitiv lakol sheb’chol yom vayom hu heitiv, hu meitiv, hu yeitiv lanu. Hu g’malanu hu gomleinu hu yig’m’leinu la’ad, l’chein ul’chesed ul’rachamim ul’revach hatzala v’hatzlacha, b’racha vi’shua nechama parnasa v’chalkala v’rachamim v’chayim v’shalom v’chol-tov, u’mikol tuv l’olam al y’chasreinu.

Praised are you, Adonai our God, Ruler of the universe. Adonai, you are our father, our king and sovereign, our creator, our redeemer, our maker, the holy one of Jacob, the shepherd of Israel, the good king who does good to all and has done good, is doing good, and will do good. You bestow favors on us constantly. You lavish on us kindness and mercy, relief and deliverance, success, blessing, salvation, comfort, sustenance, support mercy, life and peace and all goodness. May you never deprive us of any good thing.

הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יִמְלֹךְ עָלֵינוּ לְעוֹלָם וָעֶד. הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יִתְבָּרַךְ בַּשָּׁמַיִם וּבָאָרֶץ. הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יִשְׁתַּבַּח לְדוֹר דּוֹרִים וְיִתְפָּאַר בָּנוּ לָעַד וּלְנֵצַח נְצָחִים וְיִתְהַדַּר בָּנוּ לָעַד וּלְעוֹלְמֵי עוֹלָמִים. הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יְפַרְנְסֵנוּ בְּכָבוֹד. הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יִשְׁבּר עֻלֵנוּ מֵעַל צַוָּארֵנוּ וְהוּא יוֹלִיכֵנוּ קוֹמְמִיּוּת לְאַרְצֵנוּ. הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יִשְׁלַח לָנוּ בְּרָכָה מְרֻבָּה בַּבַּיִת הַזֶּה וְעַל שֻׁלְחָן זֶה שֶׁאָכַלְנוּ עָלָיו. הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יִשְׁלַח לָנוּ אֶת אֵלִיָּהוּ הַנָּבִיא זָכוּר לַטּוֹב וִיבַשֶּׂר לָנוּ בְּשׂוֹרוֹת טוֹבוֹת יְשׁוּעוֹת וְנֶחָמוֹת.

Harachaman hu yimloch aleinu l’olam va’ed. Harachaman hu yitbarach bashamayim u’va’aretz. Harachaman hu yishtabach l’dor dorim, v’yitpa’ar banu la’ad u’l’neitzach n’tzachim, v’yit’hadar banu la’ad ul’olmei olamim. Harachaman hu y’far’n’seinu b’chavod. Harachaman hu yishbor uleinu mei’al tzavareinu, v’hu yolicheinu kom’miyut l’artzeinu. Harachaman hu yishlach lanu b’racha m’ruba babayit hazeh, v’al shulchan zeh she’achalnu alav. Harachaman hu yishlach lanu et Eliyahu Hanavi zachur latov, vivaser lanu b’sorot tovot y’shu’ot v’nechamot.

May the Merciful One reign over us forever and ever. May the Merciful One be blessed in heaven and on earth. May the Merciful One be praised for all generations; may He be glorified in us forever and ever; may He be honored in us to all eternity. May the Merciful One grant us an honorable livelihood. May the Merciful One break the yoke from our neck; may He lead us upstanding into our land. May the Merciful One send ample blessing into this house and upon this table at which we have eaten. May the Merciful One send us Elijah the prophet of blessed memory who will bring us good tidings of consolation and comfort.

הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יְבָרֵךְ אֶת

Harachaman hu y’vareich et

May the Merciful One bless

for one’s parents:

אָבִי מוֹרִי (בַּעַל הַבַּיִת הַזֶּה) וְאֶת אִמִּי מוֹרָתִי (בַּעֲלַת הַבַּיִת הַזֶּה), אוֹתָם וְאֶת בֵּיתָם וְאֶת זַרְעָם וְאֶת כָּל אֲשֶׁר לָהֶם,

avi mori (ba’al ha-bayit ha-zeh), v’et imi morati (ba’alat ha-bayit) ha-zeh, otam v’et beitam, v’et zar’am, v’et kol asher lahem,

(my revered father) the master of this house and (my revered mother) the mistress of this house, them, and their household, and their children, and everything that is theirs,

for one’s family:

אוֹתִי (וְאֶת אִשְׁתִּי/בַּעֲלִי/זַרְעִי וְאֶת) כָּל אֲשֶׁר לִי,

oti (v’et ishti / ba’ali / zar-i v’et) kol asher li,

me (and my wife/husband/children) and all that is mine

for one’s hosts:

בַּעַל הַבַּיִת הַזֶּה וְאֶת בַּעֲלַת הַבַּיִת הַזֶּה, אוֹתָם וְאֶת בֵּיתָם וְאֶת זַרְעָם וְאֶת כָּל אֲשֶׁר לָהֶם,

ba’al ha-bayit ha-zeh, v’et ba-alat ha-bayit ha-zeh, otam v’et beitam, v’et zar’am, v’et kol asher lahem,

our host and our hostess, them, and their household, and their children, and everything that is theirs,

for all others:

וְאֶת כָּל הַמְסֻבִּין כַּאן,

v’et kol ham’subim kan,

and all who are seated here,

אוֹתָנוּ וְאֶת כָּל אֲשֶׁר לָנוּ, כְּמוֹ שֶׁנִּתְבָּרְכוּ אֲבוֹתֵינוּ אַבְרָהָם יִצְחָק וְיַעֲקֹב בַּכֹּל מִכֹּל כֹּל, כֵּן יְבָרֵךְ אוֹתָנוּ כֻּלָּנוּ יַחַד בִּבְרָכָה שְׁלֵמָה, וְנֹאמַר אָמֵן.

otanu v’et kol asher lanu, k’mo she’nitbarchu avoteinu Avraham Yitzchak v’Ya’akov bakol mikol kol, kein y’vareich otanu kulanu yachad bivracha sh’leima, v’nomar, Amein.

us all together and all our possessions just as He blessed our forefathers Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, with every blessing. May He bless us all together with a perfect blessing, and let us say, Amen.

בַּמָּרוֹם יְלַמְּדוּ עֲלֵיהֶם וְעָלֵינוּ זְכוּת שֶׁתְּהֵא לְמִשְׁמֶרֶת שָׁלוֹם. וְנִשָּׂא בְרָכָה מֵאֵת יְיָ וּצְדָקָה מֵאֱלֹהֵי יִשְׁעֵנוּ. וְנִמְצָא חֵן וְשֵׂכֶל טוֹב בְּעֵינֵי אֱלֹהִים וְאָדָם.

Bamarom y’lamdu aleihem v’aleinu z’chut she’t’hei l’mishmeret shalom. V’nisa v’racha mei’eit Adonai, utz’daka mei’Elohei yisheinu, v’nimtza chein v’seichel tov b’einei Elohim v’adam.

May heaven find merit in us that we may enjoy a lasting peace. May we receive blessings from the Lord, justice from the God of our salvation, and may we find favor and good sense in the eyes of God and men.

On Shabbat:

הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יַנְחִילֵנוּ יוֹם שֶׁכֻּלוֹ שַׁבָּת וּמְנוּחָה לְחַיֵּי הָעוֹלָמִים.)

Harachaman hu yanchileinu yom shekulo Shabbat u’minucha ul’chayei ha’olamim.

May the Merciful One cause us to inherit the day which will be all Sabbath and rest in the eternal life.)

Optional blessings:

הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יַנְחִילֵנוּ יוֹם שֶׁכֻּלוֹ טוֹב.

הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יְבָרֵךְ אֶת מְדִנַת יִשְׂרָאֵל.

הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יְבָרֵךְ אֶת חַיָּלֵי צְבָא הֲגַנָּה לְיִשְׂרָאֵל, וְיָגֵן עֲלֵיהֶם.

הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יְבָרֵךְ אֶת מְדִנַת  הַזאֹתּ, וְאֶת חַיָּלֶיהָ, וְיָגֵן עֲלֵיהֶם.

הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יַשְׁכְּין שָׁלוֹם בֵּין בְּנֵי יַעֲקֹב וּבְנֵי יִשְׁמָעֵאל                                                                                                                                  

הָרַחֲמָן הוּא יְזַכֵּנוּ לִימוֹת הַמָּשִׁיחַ וּלְחַיֵּי הָעוֹלָם הַבָּא.

Harachaman hu yanchileinu yom shekulo tov.

Harachaman hu y’variech et M’dinat Yisrael.

Harachaman hu y’variech et chayalei Tz’va Hagana l’Yisrael, v’yagein aleihem.

Harachaman hu y’variech et m’dinat hazot, v’et chayaleiha, v’yagein aleihem.

Harachaman hu yashkiyn shalom Bayn binei Ya’akov u’vnei Yishma’ayl.

Harachaman hu y’zakeinu limot Hamashiach ul’chayei ha’olam haba.

May the Merciful One cause us to inherit the day of total goodness.

May the Merciful One bless the State of Israel.

May the Merciful One bless those who serve in the IDF and watch over them.

May the Merciful One bless this country, and its soldiers, and watch over them.

May the Merciful One enable us to live in the days of the Messiah and in the world to come.

מִגְדּוֹל יְשׁוּעוֹת מַלְכּוֹ וְעֹשֶׂה חֶסֶד לִמְשִׁיחוֹ לְדָוִד וּלְזַרְעוֹ עַד עוֹלָם. עֹשֶׂה שָׁלוֹם בִּמְרוֹמָיו הוּא יַעֲשֶׂה שָׁלוֹם עָלֵינוּ וְעַל כָּל יִשְׂרָאֵל, וְאִמְרוּ אָמֵן.

יְראוּ אֶת יְיָ קְדֹשָׁיו כִּי אֵין מַחְסוֹר לִירֵאָיו. כְּפִירִים רָשׁוּ וְרָעֵבוּ וְדֹרְשֵׁי יְיָ לֹא יַחְסְרוּ כָל טוֹב. הוֹדוּ לַייָ כִּי טוֹב כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ. פּוֹתֵחַ אֶת יָדֶךָ וּמַשְׂבִּיעַ לְכָל חַי רָצוֹן. בָּרוּךְ הַגֶּבֶר אֲשֶׁר יִבְטַח בַּייָ וְהָיָה יְיָ מִבְטַחוֹ. נַעַר הָיִיתִי גַם זָקַנְתִּי וְלֹא רָאִיתִי צַדִּיק נֶעֱזָב וְזַרְעוֹ מְבַקֶּשׁ לָחֶם. יְיָ עֹז לְעַמּוֹ יִתֵּן יְיָ יְבָרֵךְ אֶת עַמּוֹ בַשָּׁלוֹם.

Migdol y’shu’ot Malko v’oseh chesed limshicho l’David ul’zar’o ad olam. Oseh shalom bimromav, hu ya’aseh shalom aleinu v’al kol Yisrael v’imru, Amein.

Y’ru et Adonai k’doshav, ki ein machsor lirei’av. K’firim rashu v’ra’eivu, v’dorshei Adonai lo yach’s’ru chol tov. Hodu l’Adonai ki tov ki l’olam chasdo. Potei’ach et yadecha, u’masbia l’chol chai ratzon. Baruch hagever asher yivtach b’Adonai, V’haya Adonai mivtacho. Na’ar hayiti gam zakan’ti, v’lo ra’iti tzadik ne’ezav, v’zar’o m’vakesh lachem. Adonai oz l’amo yitein, Adonai y’vareich et amo vashalom.

God is our tower of salvation, showing kindness to his anointed, to David and his descendents forever. May he who creates peace in his heavenly heights, may he grant peace for us, all Israel; and and all humanity, and we can say, Amen.

Revere the Lord, you his holy ones for those who revere him suffer no want. Lions may be famishing and starving, but those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his kindness endures forever. You open your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose trust is in the Lord. I have been young and now I am old, but never have I seen the righteous man forsaken, nor his children wanting bread. The Lord will give strength to his people; the Lord will bless His people with peace.

 

The Blessing after the Meal concludes by drinking the Third Cup of wine, while reclining to the left.

 

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן.

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, borei p'ri hagafen.

Praised are you, Adonai, Lord of the universe, who has created the fruit of the vine.

Elijah

Fill the Cup of Elijah on the table. Traditionally the youngest children open the door for Elijah. Everyone joins in singing "Eliyahu Ha-Navi" and then the door is closed.

Eliyahu Ha-navee

Eliyahu Ha-tish-bee

Eliyahu, Eliyahu

Eliyahu Ha-giladee

Bim Heira B’yameinu Yavo eileinu


Eem mashiah ben David

Eem mashiah ben David

שְׁפֹךְ חֲמָתְךָ אֶל הַגּוֹיִם אֲשֶׁר לֹא יְדָעוּךָ וְעַל מַמְלָכוֹת אֲשֶׁר בְּשִׁמְךָ לֹא קָרָאוּ. כִּי אָכַל אֶת יַעֲקֹב וְאֶת נָוֵהוּ הֵשַׁמוּ. שְׁפֹךְ עֲלֵיהֶם זַעְמֶךָ וַחֲרוֹן אַפְּךָ יַשִׂיגֵם. תִּרְדֹף בְּאַף וְתַשְׁמִידֵם מִתַּחַת שְׁמֵי יי.

 

Shfoch chamatcha el hagoyim asher lo y’da’ucha v’al mamlachot asher b’shimcha lo kara’u. Ki achal et Ya’akov v’et naveihu heishamu. Shfoch Aleihem zamech vacharon apcha yasigaim. Tirdof b’af v’tashmidaim mitachat shmay Adonai.

“Pour out your fury on the nations that do not know you, upon the kingdoms that do not invoke your name, they have devoured Jacob and desolated his home.” (Ps. 79:6,7) “Pour out your wrath on them; may your blazing anger overtake them.” (Ps. 69.25) “Pursue them in wrath and destroy them from under the heavens of the Lord!” (Lam. 3:66)

Chapter Eight

1. Then the same thing happened, basically, except with frogs.

1. Thereupon, Pharaoh Newman summoned Jerry and George, and said, "Entreat the Lord that He remove the frogs from me and from my people, and I will let out the people of Israel so that they may sacrifice to the Lord. Go ahead, Jerry. I’m beggin’ you, Jerry! Please!"

1. And Jerry said to Pharaoh, "You’ve got a little problem.” And Pharaoh fell to his knees and said, “Oh, I’ve got a big problem, Jerry.” And Jerry relented, saying “Alright! Pull yourself together. You’re making me sick! Be a man!

1. We’ll do it, but only so that you should know that there is none like the Lord, our God, Art Vandelay. Got it?”

1. And Jerry and George went away from Newman, and Jerry cried out to the Lord concerning the frogs that He had brought upon Newman.

1. And the Lord said, “You promised what?!” And Jerry said, “No good?” And God said, “No. Not good. You know what kind of job that is?”

1. But God relented. And God said said to George, “You shall rid the land of the frogs.” And George was seized fear with and said, “Why me, Oh Lord?” And God said, “Because Jerry told me you were a marine biologist.” And George was getting frustrated.

1. And George said to Jerry “A marine biologist? Why am I a marine biologist?” And Jerry replied, “I may have mentioned it.” And George said, But I'm not a marine biologist!” to which Jerry replied, “I'm aware of that. You don't think it's a good job?” And George said “I didn’t think it was a job.” And Jerry did enlighten George saying, “Oh. It's a fascinating field!” And George exclaimed, “Why couldn't you have made me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect”. 

1. And God grew bored of this meaningless conversation and instead called upon Carl the exterminator, and not just because he was black. And Carl did exterminate the frogs from the apartments, and from the clubs, and from the gymnasia, and from the restaurants throughout Manhattan so that they were found once more only in the Hudson, mostly dead like the fish.

1. The Manhattanites gathered them into many heaps, and the land smelled. Smelled bad. Really bad. Worse than BO, Beyond BO, BBO. The dead frogs funkified the whole place.

1. And Newman again hardened his arteries, and he did not hearken to them, not so much because of the stench, but mostly because he was a big phony.

1. And so now with the lice. George. Pez, Lice. And Jerry spoke unto the Pharaoh, saying, “You know Newman, the thing about lice is that they irritate the skin and they start to itch. Oh! maybe you can hold out five seconds or ten, maybe fifteen or twenty but after a while, no matter how much will power a person may have. It won't matter, because they're crawling, crawling on your skin. Up your legs, up your spine, up your back....”

1. But though Newman was rife with lice, his heart remained steadfast, and he did not hearken to them, as the Lord had spoken.

1. And the Lord said to Moses, "Arise early in the morning and stand before Pharaoh, behold, he is going out to the water, and you shall say to him, 'So said the Lord, Art Vandelay "Let My people go out and serve Me”.’.”

1. And Jerry said, “Another pee party?”

1. And God said, “Don’t bring me down…I lost my train of thought.” And Jerry prompted God saying “Let my people go out and serve me…”

1. And God did regain his train of thought, “Right. For if you do not let My people go, behold, I will incite against you and against your servants and against your people and in your houses a mixture of noxious creatures…”

1. And Jerry again interrupted, “noxious creatures?” And God said, “Yeah. noxious creatures.” And Jerry said, “Well, what kind of noxious creatures? And God said, “Trust me. I will give you the Kavorka.”

1. And Jerry said, “I know not of this Kavorka of which you speak.” And God said, “It is a Latvian word. It means ‘the lure of the animal’. The place will be crawling with them. But only in the WASPy neighborhoods, and not where the Mahjong and Pinochle games are played, in order that Newman will know that I am the Lord.”

1. And The Lord did so, and the animals -  some noxious, some not so much -  were lured and came to Pharaoh's house and the land was destroyed because of the noxious creatures and the shit they did produce.

1. Thereupon, Newman summoned Jerry and George, and he said, "I will let you go out for a long weekend, and you will sacrifice to the Lord, your God, Art Vandelay, in the desert, if you put in a good word for me.”

1. So Jerry went away from Pharaoh and entreated the Lord.

1. And the Lord did according to Jerry’s word, and He removed noxious creatures from Pharaoh and from his people and he left the shit for the Manhattanites to shovel.

1. But – big surprise - Pharaoh hardened his arteries this time also, and he did not let the people go.

Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.

Adir bimlucha, bachur kahalcha, g’dudav yomru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.

Dagul bimluchah, hadur kahalachah, vatikav yom’ru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.

Zakai bimluchah, chasin kahalachah taf’srav yom’ru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.

 

Yachid bimluchah, kabir kahalachah limudav yom’ru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.

Moshail bimluchah, nora kahalachah savivav yom’ru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.

Anav bimluchah, podeh kahalachah, tzadikav yom’ru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.

Kadosh bimluchah, rachum kahalachah shinanav yom’ru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.

Takif bimluchah, tomaich kahalachah t’mimav yom’ru lo: l’cha u’l’cha, l’cha ki l’cha, l’cha af l’cha, l’cha Adonai hamamlachah, Ki lo na’eh, ki lo ya’eh.

Because it is proper for Him, because it befits Him. Mighty in sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty, rightly select. His minions say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty!” Exalted in sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty, rightly glorious.​ His faithful ones say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty!” Blameless​ in sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty, rightly powerful.​ His generals say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty!” Singular in sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty, rightly strong. His learned ones say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty!” Exalted in sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty, rightly awesome. Those who surround Him say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty!” Humble in sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty, rightly saving. His righteous​ ones say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty!” Holy in sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty, rightly merciful.​ His multitude​s say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty!” Strong in sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty, rightly supportiv​e. His perfect ones say to Him: “Yours and Yours, Yours because it is Yours, Yours and only Yours— Yours, Adonai, is sovereign​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ty!”

Chapters Nine and Ten

1. Let My people go…yada, yada…a very severe pestilence…yada, yada…livestock (not the noxious kind) died…yada, yada…hardened arteries…yada, yada…

1. And George asked Jerry, “Haven’t we had this conversation before?” and Jerry pondered, “You think?” And George became more confident, “I think we have.” And Jerry shrugged, “Yeah, maybe we have.”

1. The Lord said to Jerry and to George, "Take yourselves handfuls of Junior Mints - or, if you’re out of Junior Mints, maybe Jujyfruits, either will work - and Jerry shall cast them heavenward before Pharaoh's eyes.

1. And the Junior Mints/Jujyfruits will come down upon the entire land of Manhattan, and the candy will carry fungus [fungus?!] breaking out into white discolorations upon man and upon beast throughout the entire land of Manhattan."

1. So they took the Junior Mints, but did not partake of the Jujyfruits, and they stood before Newman, and Jerry cast them heavenward, and they became fungus [fungus?!]  breaking out into white discolorations upon man and upon beast.

1. And the necromancers dealt in fungus. They were knee-deep in fungus. These guys knew fungus. But the necromancers could not stand before Jerry because of the fungi, for the fungi were upon the necromancers and upon all Manhattan. And the necromancers called Dr. Bison, but he said was booked solid, even when he was told it was for Pharaoh.

1. And - no cliff-hanger here - the Lord strengthened Pharaoh's heart (he Nautilus-ed, of course), and he did not hearken to them, as the Lord told Jerry.

1. This back-and-forth went on for quite a long time. And the descriptions of each plague were remarkably similar. So much so that opportunities to inject satirical bits into the text became increasingly difficult.

1. For instance, next came hail. So something about the hail being as big as Titleist golf balls. Not great.

1. Then you got your locusts, which really are supposed to be in the next chapter but people are getting hungry. And what is your scribe supposed to do with locusts?

1. But there was one difference. The Manhattanites were angry that day, my friends, like old men trying to return soup at a deli. They said to Newman, “Let the people go and they will worship their God. Don't you yet know that Manhattan is lost, you stubborn, stupid, silly man?"

1. But Newman’s arterial sclerosis was too far gone and he kept lying because he was a liar. And so the locusts came. Then the darkness.

1. And Newman summoned Jerry and said, “Hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words - your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down”.

1. And Jerry clenched his teeth and loudly whispered, “Newman!”

Hallel הלל

לֹא לָנוּ ,יי, לֹא לָנוּ, כִּי לְשִׁמְךָ תֵּן כָּבוֹד, עַל חַסְדְּךָ, עַל אֲמִתֶּךָ. לָמָּה יֹאמְרוּ הַגּוֹיִם, אַיֵּה נָא אֱלֹהֵיהֶם.  ואֱלֹהֵינוּ בַּשָּׁמַיִם, כֹּל אֲשֶׁר חָפֵץ עָשָׂה. עֲצַבֵּיהֶם כֶּסֶף וְזָהָב מַעֲשֵׂה יְדֵי אָדָם. פֶּה לָהֶם וְלֹא יְדַבֵּרוּ, עֵינַיִם לָהֶם וְלֹא יִרְאוּ. אָזְנָיִם לָהֶם וְלֹא יִשְׁמָעוּ, אַף לָהֶם וְלֹא יְרִיחוּן. יְדֵיהֶם וְלֹא יְמִישׁוּן, רַגְלֵיהֶם וְלֹא יְהַלֵּכוּ, לֹא יֶהְגּוּ בִּגְרוֹנָם. כְּמוֹהֶם יִהְיוּ עֹשֵׂיהֶם, כֹּל אֲשֶׁר בֹּטֵחַ בָּהֶם. יִשְׂרָאֵל בְּטַח בַּיי, עֶזְרָם וּמַָגִנָּם הוּא. בֵּית אַהֲרֹן בִּטְחוּ בַּיי, עֶזְרָם וּמַָגִנָּם הוּא. יִרְאֵי יי בִּטְחוּ בַּיי, עֶזְרָם וּמַָגִנָּם הוּא.

Lo-lanu, Adonai, lo-lanu, ki l'shimcha tein kavod, al chasd'cha al amee-techa. Lamah yomru hagoyeem, ayeih na Eloheihem. Veiloheinu vashamayim, kol asher chafeitz asah. Atzabeihem kesef v'zahav, ma-aseih y'dei adam. Peh lahem v'lo y'dabeiru, einayeem lahem v'lo yiru. Oz'nayeem lahem v'lo yishma-u, af lahem v'lo y'richun. Y'deihem v'lo y'mishun, ragleihem v'lo y'haleichu, lo yehgu bigronam. K'mohem yihyu oseihem, kol asher botei-ach bahem. Yisra-el b'tach b’Adonai, ezram u-maginam hu. Beit aharon bitchu v'Adonai, ezram umageenam hu. Yirei Adonai bitchu v'Adonai, ezram u-mageenam hu.

Not for us, Lord, not for us, but for your name bring glory, for the sake of your kindness and your faithfulness.
Let the nations say: "Where is their God?" Our God is in the heavens; all that He wills, He accomplishes. Their idols are silver and gold, the work of human hands. They have mouths, but cannot speak; they have eyes, but they cannot see; they have
ears, but they cannot hear; they have a nose, but they cannot smell; they have hands, but they cannot feel; they have feet, but they cannot walk; they can utter no sound with their throats. Those who fashions them, whoever trusts them, shall become like them. Israel, trust in the Lord! God is your help and shield.


יי זְכָרָנוּ יְבָרֵךְ. יְבָרֵךְ אֶת בֵּית יִשְׂרָאֵל, יְבָרֵךְ אֶת בֵּית אַהֲרֹ. יְבָרֵךְ יִרְאֵי יי, הַקְּטַנִים עִם הַגְּדֹלִים. יֹסֵף יי עֲלֵיכֶם, עֲלֵיכֶם וְעַל בְּנֵיכֶם. בְּרוּכִים אַתֶּם לַיי, עֹשֵׂה שָׁמַיִם וָאָרֶץ. הַשָּׁמַיִם שָׁמַיִם לַיי,וְהָאָרֶץ נָתַן לִבְנֵי אָדָם. לֹא הַמֵּתִים יְהַלְלוּיָהּ ,וְלֹא כָּל יֹרדֵי דוּמָה. וַאֲנַחְנוּ נְבָרֵךְ יָהּ, מֵעַתָּה וְעַד עוֹלָם, הַלְלוּיָהּ.

Adonai z'charanu y'vareich, y'vareich et beit yisra-el, y'vareich et beit aharon. Y'vareich yirei Adonai, hak'tanim im hag'doleem. Yoseif Adonai aleichem, aleichem v'al b'neichem. B'rucheem atem l'Adonai, oseih shamayeem va-aretz. Hashamayeem shamayeem l'Adonai, v'ha-aretz natan livnei adam. Lo hameiteem y'hal'lu yah, v'lo kol yor'dei dumah. Va-anachnu n'vareich yah, mei-atah v'ad olam, hal'luyah.

The Lord is mindfull of us and will bless us;
He will bless the house of Israel;
He will bless the house of Aaron;
He will bless those who fear the Lord, small and great. May the Lord bless you and increase you, you and your children. You are blessed by the Lord, Maker of heaven and earth.
The heaven is the Lord's, but earth has been given to mankind. The dead cannot praise the Lord, nor can any who go down into silence. We will bless the Lord now and forever. Halleluyah.

אָהַבְתִּי כִּי יִשְׁמַע יי אֶת קוֹלִי, תַּחֲנוּנָי. כִּי הִטָּה אָזְנוֹ לִי וּבְיָמַי אֶקְרָא. אֲפָפוּנִי חֶבְלֵי מָוֶת, וּמְצָרֵי שְׁאוֹל מְצָאוּנִי, צָרָה וְיָגוֹן אֶמְצָא. וּבשֵׁם יי אֶקְרָא: אָנָּא יי מַלְּטָה נַפְשִׁי חַנוּן יי וְצַדִיק, וֵאֱלֹהֵינוּ מְרַחֵם. שֹׁמֵר פְּתָאִים יי, דַּלֹתִי וְלִי יְהוֹשִׁיעַ. שׁוּבִי נַפְשִׁי לִמְנוּחָיְכִי, כִּי יי גָּמַל עָלָיְכִי. כִּי חִלַּצְתָּ נַפְשִׁי מִמָּוֶת, אֶת עֵינִי מִן דִּמְעָה, אֶת רַגְלִי מִדֶּחִי. אֶתְהַלֵךְ לִפְנֵי יי, בְּאַרְצוֹת הַחַיִּים. הֶאֱמַנְתִּי כִּי אֲדַבֵּר, אֲנִי עָנִיתִי מְאֹד. אֲנִי אָמַרְתִּי בְחָפְזִי כָּל הָאָדָם כֹּזֵב.

Ahavti ki yishma Adonai, et koli tachanunay. Ki hitah oz'no li, uv'yamai ekra. Afafuni chevlei mavet, um'tzarei sh'ol m'tza-uni, tzarah v'yagon emtza. Uv'sheim Adonai ekra, anah Adonai maltah nafshi. Chanun Adonai v'tzadik, veiloheinu m'racheim. Shomeir p'ta-im Adonai, daloti v'li y'hoshi-a. Shuvi nafshi limnuchay'chi, ki Adonai gamal alay'chi. Ki chee-latzta nafshi mee-mavet, et eini min dee-mah, et ragli mee-dechi. Et-haleich leefnei Adonai, b'artzot hachayeem. He-emanti ki adabeir, anee aniti m'od. Anee amartee v'chof'zi, kol ha-adam kozeiv

I love that the Lord. He hears my pleas because he has inclined his ear to me whenever I call. The bonds of death encompassed me, the torments of the grave have overtaken me;
I found trouble and sorrow.
Then I called upon the name of the Lord: "O Lord, save my life!"
The Lord is gracious and righteous and our God is merciful.
The Lord protects the simple;
I was brought low and God saved me.
Be at rest, oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.
You delivered me from death, my eyes from tears and my feet from stumbling. I shall walk before the Lord in the lands of the living. I trust in the Lord and have faith even when I speak out "All men are false."

מָה אָשִׁיב לַיי, כֹּל תַּגְמוּלוֹהִי עָלָי. כּוֹס יְשׁוּעוֹת אֶשָּׂא, וּבְשֵׁם יי אֶקְרָא. נְדָרַי לַיי אֲשַׁלֵּם, נֶגְדָה נָּא לְכָל עַמּוֹ. יָקָר בְּעֵינֵי יי הַמָּוְתָה לַחֲסִידָיו. אָנָא יי כִּי אֲנִי עַבְדֶּךָ, אֲנִי עַבְדְּךָ בֶּן אֲמָתֶךָ פִּתַּחְתָּ לְמוֹסֵרָי. לְךָ אֶזְבַּח זֶבַח תּוֹדָה וּבְשֵׁם יי אֶקְרָא. נְדָרַי לַיי אֲשַׁלֵם נֶגְדָה נָא לְכָל עַמוֹ. בְּחַצְרוֹת בֵּית יי, בְּתוֹכֵכִי יְרוּשָלַיִם, הַלְלוּיָהּ.

Mah asheev l'Adonai, kol tagmulohi alay. Kos y'shuot esa, uv'sheim Adonai ekra. N'darai l'Adonai ashaleim, negdah na l'chol amo. Yakar b'einei Adonai, hamav'tah lachasidav. Anah Adonai ki anee avdecha, anee avd'cha ben amatecha, pee-tachta l'moseiray. L'cha ezbach zevach todah, uv'sheim Adonai ekra. N'darai l'Adonai ashaleim, negdah na l'chol amo. B'chatzrot beit Adonai, b'tocheichi y'rushalayim, hal'luyah.

How can I repay the Lord for all His kindness to me?
I raise the cup of deliverence, and call upon the name of the Lord.
My vows to the Lord I pay in the presence of all His people.
Greivous in the Lord’s sight is the death of His faithful followers.
O Lord, I am your servant, your servant, the child of your maid-servent; You have undone what bounds me. I sacrifice a thank offering to You, and call upon the name of the Lord. I pay vows to the Lord in the presence of all God’s people,in the courts of the Lord's house, in the midst of Jerusalem.
Halleluyah.

הַלְלוּ אֶת יי, כָּל גּוֹיִם, שַׁבְּחוּהוּ כָּל הָאֻמִּים. כִּי גָבַר עָלֵינוּ חַסְדוֹ, וֶאֱמֶת יי לְעוֹלָם, הַלְלוּיָהּ.

Hal'lu et Adonai, kol goyim, shab'chu-hu, kol ha-umeem. Ki gavar aleinu chasdo, ve-emet Adonai l'olam, hal'luyah.

Praise the Lord, all you nations; praise God, all you peoples, for His love to us is great, and the truth of the Lord is forever. Halleluyah.

הוֹדוּ לַיי כִּי טוֹב, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ.

יֹאמַר נָא יִשְׂרָאֵל, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ.

יֹאמְרוּ נָא בֵית אַהֲרֹן, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ.

יֹאמְרוּ נָא יִרְאֵי יי, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ.

 

Hodu l'Adonai ki tov, ki l'olam chasdo.

Yomar na yisra-eil, ki l'olam chasdo.

Yomru na veit aharon, ki l'olam chasdo.

Yomru na yirei Adonai, ki l'olam chasdo.

Give thanks to the Lord, for God is good; His kindness endures forever.
Let Israel declare, His kindness endures forever.’
Let the house of Aaron declare His kindness endures forever’
Let those who rfear the Lord say ‘His kindness endures forever.’

מִן הַמֵּצַר קָרָאתִי יָּהּ, עָנָּנִי בַמֶרְחַב יָהּ. יי לִי לֹא אִירָא ,- מַה יַּעֲשֶׂה לִי אָדָם. יי לִי בְּעֹזְרָי, וַאֲנִי אֶרְאֶה

בְשׂנְאָי. טוֹב לַחֲסוֹת בַּיי,מִבְּטֹחַ בָּאָדָם. טוֹב לַחֲסוֹת בַּיי, מִבְּטֹחַ בִּנְדִיבִים. כָּל גּוֹיִם סְבָבוּנִי, בְּשֵׁם יי כִּי אֲמִילַם. סַבּוּנִי גַם סְבָבוּנִי, בְּשֵׁם יי כִּי אֲמִילַם. סַבּוּנִי כִדְּבֹרִים , דֹּעֲכוּ כְּאֵשׁ קוֹצִים, בְּשֵׁם יי כִּי אֲמִילַם. דָּחֹה דְּחִיתַנִי לִנְפֹּל, וַיי עֲזָרָנִי. עזִּי וְזִמְרָת יָהּ וַיְהִי לִי לִישׁוּעָה. קוֹל רִנָּה וִישׁוּעָה בְּאָהֳלֵי צַדִּיקִים יְמִין יי עֹשֵׂה חָיִל. יְמִין יי רוֹמֵמָה, יְמִין יי עֹשֵׂה חָיִל. לֹא אָמוּת כִּי

אֶחְיֶה, וַאֲסַפֵּר מַעֲשֵׂי יָהּ. יַסֹּר יִסְּרַנִי יָּהּ, וְלַמָּוֶת לֹא נְתָנָנִי. פִּתְחוּ לִי שַׁעֲרֵי צֶדֶק, אָבֹא בָם, אוֹדֶה יָהּ. זֶה הַשַּׁעַר לַיי, צַדִּיקִים יָבֹאוּ בוֹ.

 

Min hameitzar karati yah, anani vamerchav yah. Adonai li lo ira, mah ya-aseh li adam. Adonai li b'oz'ray, va-ani ereh v'son'ay. Tov lachasot b’Adonai, mib'toach ba-adam. Tov lachasot b’Adonai, mib'toach bindivim. Kol goyim s'vavuni, b'sheim Adonai ki amilam. Sabuni gam s'vavuni, b'sheim Adonai ki amilam. Sabuni chidvorim do-achu k'eish kotzim, b'sheim Adonai ki amilam. Dachoh d'chitani linpol, v'Adonai azarani. Ozi v'zimrat yah, vay'hi li lishuah. Kol rinah vishuah b'aholei tzadikim, y'min Adonai osah chayil. Y'min Adonai romeimah, y'min Adonai osah chayil. Lo amut ki echyeh, va-asapeir ma-asei yah. Yasor yis'rani yah, v'lamavet lo n'tanani. Pitchu li sha-arei tzedek, avo vam odeh yah. Zeh hasha-ar l’Adonai, tzadikim yavo-u vo.

From the narrow I called to the Lord, God answered me in the great freedom of space. The Lord is with me, I have no fear, what can man do to me? The Lord is with me as my helper, I will see the defeat of all my foes. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in greatness. All nations have surrounded me; in the name of the Lord, I have cut them down. They have surrounded me, but in the name of the Lord, I cut them down. They swarmed like bees about me, but they were extinguished like a fire of thorns; but in the name of the Lord, I cut them down. You pushed me and I nearly fell, but the Lord helped me. The Lord is my strength and song; He has become my salvation.
The voice of rejoicing and salvation is tents of the righteous resound,
"The right hand of the Lord is triumphant! The right hand of the Lord is exalted! The right hand of the Lord triumphs!"
I shall not die, but live to proclaim the works of the Lord. The Lord has severely punished me, but he has not handed me over to die. Open the gates of righteousness, that I may enter and praise the Lord.
This is the gateway to the Lord, the righteous shall enter through it.

אוֹדְךָ כִּי עֲנִיתָנִי וַתְּהִי לִי לִישׁוּעָה.

 אוֹדְךָ כִּי עֲנִיתָנִי וַתְּהִי לִי לִישׁוּעָה.

 אֶבֶן מָאֲסוּ הַבּוֹנִים הָיְתָה לְרֹאשׁ פִּנָּה.

 אֶבֶן מָאֲסוּ הַבּוֹנִים הָיְתָה לְרֹאשׁ פִּנָּה.

מֵאֵת יי הָיְתָה זֹּאת הִיא נִפְלָאֹת בְּעֵינֵינוּ.

 מֵאֵת יי הָיְתָה זֹּאת הִיא נִפְלָאֹת בְּעֵינֵינוּ.

 

Od'cha ki anitani, vat'hi li lishuah.

Od'cha ki anitani, vat'hi li lishuah.

Even ma-asu haboneem, hay'tah l'rosh pinah.

Even ma-asu habonim, hay'tah l'rosh pinah.

Mei-eit Adonai hay'tah zot, hi niflat b'eineinu.

Mei-eit Adonai hay'tah zot, hi niflat b'eineinu.

Zeh hayom asah Adonai, nagilah v’nism’chah vo.

Zeh hayom asah Adonai, nagilah v’nism’chah vo.

I thank You for You have answered me, and have become my salvation.
The stone which the builders rejected has become the major cornerstone. This the Lord's doing; it is marvelous in our sight. This is the day, which the Lord has made – let us be glad and rejoice on it.

אָנָא יי, הוֹשִיעָה נָּא

אָנָא יי, הוֹשִיעָה נָּא

אָנָא יי, הַצְלִיחָה נָא

אָנָא יי, הַצְלִיחָה נָא

Ana Adonai hoshi-ah na

Ana Adonai hoshi-ah na

Ana Adonai hatzlichah na

Ana Adonai hatzlichah na

O Lord, deliver us!

O Lord, deliver us!

O Lord, let us prosper!

O Lord, let us prosper!

בָּרוּךְ הַבָּא בְּשֵׁם יי, בֵּרַכְנוּכֶם מִבֵּית יי

בָּרוּךְ הַבָּא בְּשֵׁם יי, בֵּרַכְנוּכֶם מִבֵּית יי

אֵל יי וַיָּאֶר לָנוּ , אִסְרוּ חַג בַּעֲבֹתִים עַד קַרְנוֹת הַמִּזְבֵּחַ

אֵל יי וַיָּאֶר לָנוּ , אִסְרוּ חַג בַּעֲבֹתִים עַד קַרְנוֹת הַמִּזְבֵּחַ

אֵלִי אַתָּה וְאוֹדֶךָּ, אֱלֹהַי אֲרוֹמְמֶךָּ

אֵלִי אַתָּה וְאוֹדֶךָּ ,אֱלֹהַי אֲרוֹמְמֶךָּ

הוֹדוּ לַיי כִּי טוֹב, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

הוֹדוּ לַיי כִּי טוֹב, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

Baruch haba b'sheim Adonai, beirachnuchem mibeit Adonai


Baruch haba b'sheim Adonai, beirachnuchem mibeit Adonai


Eil Adonai vaya-er lanu, isru chag ba-avotim ad karnot hamizbei-ach

Eil Adonai vaya-er lanu, isru chag ba-avotim, ad karnot hamizbei-ach

 Eili atah v'odeka, elohai arom'meka


Eili atah v'odeka, elohai arom'meka


Hodu l'Adonai ki tov, ki l'olam chasdo


Hodu l'Adonai ki tov, ki l'olam chasdo

Blessed be he who comes in the name of the Lord; we bless you from the House of the Lord.
The Lord is God, Who has shown us light;
bind the festival offering with cords, up to the altar-horns. You are my God, and I exalt you.
Give thanks to the Lord, for God is good, His kindness endures forever.

הוֹדוּ לַיי כִּי טוֹב, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

הוֹדוּ לֵאלֹהֵי הָאֱלֹהִים, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

הוֹדוּ לָאֲדֹנֵי הָאֲדֹנִים, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

לעֹשֵׂה נִפְלָאוֹת גְדֹלוֹת לְבַדּוֹ, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

לעֹשֵׂה הַשָּׁמַיִם בִּתְבוּנָה, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

לְרוֹקַע הָאָרֶץ עַל הַמָּיְם, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

לְעֹשֵׂה אוֹרִים גְּדֹלִים, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

אֶת הַשֶּׁמֶשׁ לְמֶמְשֶׁלֶת בַּיוֹם, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

אֶת הַיָּרֵחַ וְכוֹכָבִים לְמֶמְשְׁלוֹת בַּלַּיְלָה, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

לְמַכֵּה מִצְרַים בִּבְכוֹרֵיהֶם, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

וַיוֹצֵא יִשְׂרָאֵל מִתּוֹכָם, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

בְּיָד חֲזָקָה וּבִזְרוֹעַ נְטוּיָה, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

לְגֹזֵר יַם סוּף לִגְזָרִים, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

וְהֶעֱבִיר יִשְׂרָאֵל בְּתוֹכוֹ, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

וְנִעֵר פַּרְעֹה וְחֵילוֹ בְיַם סוּף, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

לְמוֹלִיךְ עַמּוֹ בַמִּדְבָּר, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

לְמַכֵּה מְלָכִים גְּדֹלִים, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

וַיָהֲרֹג מְלָכִים אַדִירִים, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

לְסִיחוֹן מֶלֶךְ הָאֱמֹרִי, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

וּלְעוֹג מֶלֶךְ הַבָּשָׁן, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

וָנָתַן אַרְצָם לְנַחֲלָה, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

נַחֲלָה לְיִשְׂרָאֵל עָבְדוּ, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

שֶׁבְִּשִׁפְלֵנוּ זָכַר לָנוּ, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

וַיִפְרְקֵנוּ מִצָּרֵינוּ, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

נֹתֵן לֶחֶם לְכָל בָּשָׂר, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

הוֹדוּ לְאֵל הַשָּׁמַיִם, כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

O give thanks unto the Lord, for God is good, for His mercy endures forever

O give thanks unto the God of gods, for His mercy endures forever


O give thanks unto the Lord of lords, for His mercy endures forever


To Him who doeth great wonders, for His mercy endures forever

To Him who made the heavens with understanding, for His mercy endures forever


To Him that spread forth the earth above the waters, for His mercy endures forever

To Him who made great lights, for His mercy endures forever


The sun to reign by day, for His mercy endures forever


The moon and stars to reign by night, for His mercy endures forever


To Him that smote Egypt in their first-born, for His mercy endures forever

And took Israel out from among them, for His mercy endures forever

With a strong hand and an outstretched arm, for His mercy endures forever


To Him who parted the Red Sea, for His mercy endures forever

And made Israel to pass through it, for His mercy endures forever


And threw Pharaoh and his host in the Red Sea, for His mercy endures forever


To Him who led His people through the wilderness, for His mercy endures forever


To Him who smote great kings; for His mercy endures forever


And slew mighty kings, for His mercy endures forever

Sihon, king of the Amorites, for His mercy endures forever


And Og, king of Bashan, for His mercy endures forever


And gave their land as an inheritance, for His mercy endures forever


Even an inheritance unto Israel His servant, for His mercy endures for ever


Who remembered us in our low state, for His mercy endures forever


And hath delivered us from our adversaries, for His mercy endures forever

Who gives food to all creatures, for His mercy endures forever

O give thanks unto the God of heaven, for His mercy endures forever

נִשְׁמַת כָּל חַי תְּבַרֵךְ אֶת שִׁמְךָ, יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ, וְרוּחַ כָּל בָּשָׂר תְּפָאֵר וּתְרוֹמֵם זִכְרְךָ, מַלְכֵּנוּ, תָּמִיד. מִן הָעוֹלָם וְעַד הָעוֹלָם אַתָּה אֵל, וּמִבַּלְעָדֶיךָ אֵין לָנוּ מֶלֶךְ גּוֹאֵל וּמוֹשִיעַ, פּוֹדֶה וּמַצִּיל וּמְפַרְנֵס וּמְרַחֵם בְּכָל עֵת צָרָה וְצוּקָה. אֵין לָנוּ מֶלֶךְ אֶלָּא אַתָּה. אֱלֹהֵי הָרִאשׁוֹנִים וְהָאַחֲרוֹנִים, אֱלוֹהַּ כָּל בְּרִיוֹת, אֲדוֹן כָּל תּוֹלָדוֹת, הַמְּהֻלָל בְּרֹב הַתִּשְׁבָּחוֹת, הַמְנַהֵג עוֹלָמוֹ בְּחֶסֶד וּבְרִיּוֹתָיו בְּרַחֲמִים. וַיי לֹא יָנוּם וְלא יִישָׁן - הַמְּעוֹרֵר יְשֵׁנִים וְהַמֵּקִיץ נִרְדָּמִים, וְהַמֵּשִׂיחַ אִלְּמִים וְהַמַּתִּיר אֲסוּרִים וְהַסּוֹמֵךְ נוֹפְלִים וְהַזּוֹקֵף כְּפוּפִים. לְךָ לְבַדְּךָ אֲנַחְנוּ מוֹדִים

אִלּוּ פִינוּ מָלֵא שִׁירָה כַּיָּם, וּלְשׁוֹנֵנוּ רִנָּה כֲּהַמוֹן גַּלָּיו, וְשִׂפְתוֹתֵינוּ שֶׁבַח כְּמֶרְחֲבֵי רָקִיעַ, וְעֵינֵינוּ מְאִירוֹת כַּשֶׁמֶשׁ וְכַיָּרֵחַ, וְיָדֵינוּ פְרוּשׂוֹת כְּנִשְׂרֵי שָׁמַיִם, וְרַגְלֵינוּ קַלּוֹת כָּאַיָּלוֹת - אֵין אֲנַחְנוּ מַסְפִּיקִים לְהוֹדוֹת לְךָ , יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ , וּלְבָרֵךְ, אֶת שִׁמְךָ עַל אַחַת, מֵאֶלֶף, אַלְפֵי אֲלָפִים וְרִבֵּי רְבָבוֹת פְּעָמִים, הַטּוֹבוֹת שֶׁעָשִׂיתָ עִם אֲבוֹתֵינוּ וְעִמָּנוּ. מִמִּצְרַים גְּאַלְתָּנוּ, יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ, וּמִבֵּית עֲבָדִים פְִּדִיתָנוּ, בְּרָעָב זַנְתָּנוּ וּבְשָׂבָע כִּלְכַּלְתָּנוּ, מֵחֶרֶב הִצַּלְתָּנוּ וּמִדֶּבֶר מִלַּטְתָּנוּ, וּמֵחָלָיִם רָעִים וְנֶאֱמָנִים דִּלִּיתָנוּ. עַד הֵנָּה עֲזָרוּנוּ רַחֲמֶיךָ וְלֹא עֲזָבוּנוּ חֲסָדֶיךָ, וְאַל תִּטְּשֵׁנוּ, יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ, לָנֶצַח. עַל כֵּן אֵבֶָרִים שֶׁפִּלַּגְתָּ בָּנוּ וְרוּחַ וּנְשָׁמָה שֶׁנָּפַחְתָּ בְּאַפֵּינוּ וְלָשׁוֹן אֲשֶׁר שַׂמְתָּ בְּפִינוּ - הֵן הֵם יוֹדוּ וִיבָרְכוּ וִישַׁבְּחוּ וִיפָאֲרוּ וִירוֹמְמוּ וְיַעֲרִיצוּ וְיַקְדִּישׁוּ וְיַמְלִיכוּ אֶת שִׁמְךָ מַלְכֵּנוּ. כִּי כָל פֶּה לְךָ יוֹדֶה, וְכָל לָשׁוֹן לְךָ תִּשָּׁבַע, וְכָל בֶּרֶךְ לְךָ תִכְרַע, וְכָל קוֹמָה לְפָנֶיךָ תִשְׁתַּחֲוֶה, וְכָל לְבָבוֹת יִירָאוּךָ, וְכָל קֶרֶב וּכְלָיוֹת יְזַמֵּרוּ לִשְִׁמֶךָ, כַּדָבָר שֶׁכָּתוּב, כָּל עַצְמֹתַי תֹּאמַרְנָה: יי, מִי כָמוֹךָ מַצִּיל עָנִי מֵחָזָק מִמֶּנוּ וְעָנִי וְאֶבְיוֹן מִגֹּזְלוֹ. מִי יִדְמֶה לָּךְ וּמִי יִשְׁוֶה לָּךְ וּמִי יַעֲרֹךְ לַָךְ הָאֵל הַגָּדוֹל, הַגִּבּוֹר וְהַנּוֹרָא, אֵל עֶלְיוֹן, קֹנֵה שָׁמַיִם וָאָרֶץ. נְהַלֶּלְךָ וּנְשַׁבֵּחֲךָ וּנְפָאֶרְךָ וּנְבָרֵךְ אֶת שֵׁם קָדְשֶׁךָ, כָּאָמוּר: לְדָוִד, בָּרְכִי נַפְשִׁי אֶת יי וְכָל קְרָבַי אֶת שֵׁם קָדְשׁוֹ.

Nishmat kol chai t’vareich et shimcha, Adonai Eloheinu, v’ru’ach kol basar t’fa’er u’tromem zicharcha, malkeinu, tamid. Min ha’olam v’ad ha’olam atah El, u’mibaladecha ein lanu melech go’al u’moshia, podeh u’matzil u’m’farnes u’m’rachaem b’chol ait tzarah v’tzukah. Ein lanu melech ela atah. Elohei harishonim v’ha’achronim, Elohah kol bri’ot, Adon kol toldot, ha’m’hulal b’rov hatishbachot, ham’naheg olamo b’chesed u’v’riyotav b’rachamim. V’Adonai lo yanum v’lo yiyshan – ham’orer y’shanim v’hameikitz nidamim, v’hameisi’ach ilmim v’hamatir asurim v’hasomech noflim v’hazokef k’fufim. L’cha l’vadcha anachnu modim.

Eilu pinu malei shirah kayam, u’l’shonainu rinah kahamon galav, v’siftoteinu shevach k’merchavai rakia, v’eineinu m’eerot kashemesh v’chayareiach, v’yadeinu frusot k’nisrai shamayim, v’ragleinu kalot ka’ayalot – ein anachnu maspikim l’hodot lach, Adonai Eloheinu v’Elohei avoteinu, u’l’vareich, et shimcha al achat, mai’elef, alfei alafim v’ribai r’vavot p’amim, hatovot she’asita im avoteinu v’imanu, mimitzrayim g’altanu, Adonai Eloheinu, u’mibeit avadim p’ditanu, b’ra’av zantanu u’v’sava kilkaltanu, maicherev hitzaltanu u’midever milat’tanu, u’maichalim ra’im v’ne’emanim dilitanu. Ad heina azarunu rachamecha v’lo azavunu chasadecha, v’al titsheinu, Adonai Eloheinu, lanetzach. Al kein aivarim shepilagta banu v’ru’ach u’nishamah shenafachta b’apeinu v’lashon asher samta b’finu – hein haim yodu viyvarchu viyshabchu viyfa’aru viyrom’mu v’ya’aritzu v’yak’dishu v’yamlichu et shimcha malkeinu. Ki chol peh lach yodeh, v’chol lashon lach tishava, v’chol berech lach tichra, v’chol komah l’fanecha tishtachaveh, v’chol l’vavot yiyra’oocha, v’chol kerev u’chlayot y’zamru lishmecha, kadavar shekatuv, kol atzmotai toemarna: Adonai, mi chamocha matzil ani maichazak mimenu v’ani v’evyon migozlo. Mi yidmeh lach u’mi yishveh lach u’mi ya’aroch lach ha’El hagadol, hagibor v’hanora, El elyon, konai shamayim v’aretz. N’hallelcha u’n’shabaichacha u’n’fa’ercha u’n’vareich et shem kadshecha, k’amur: l’David, barchi nafshi et Adonai v’chol kravai et shem kadsho.

The soul of every living being shall bless your name, Lord our God the spirit of all flesh shall ever glorify and exalt your remembrance, our King. Throughout eternity Thou art God. Besides Thee we have no king who redeems and saves, ransoms and rescues, sustains and shows mercy in all times of trouble and distress. We have no King but Thee-God of the first and of the last, God of all creatures, Master of all generations, One acclaimed with a multitude of praises, He who guides His world with kindness and His creatures with mercy. The Lord neither slumbers nor sleeps; He rouses those who sleep and wakens those who slumber; He enables the speechless to speak and loosens the bonds of the captives; He supports those who are fallen and raises those who are bowed down. To Thee alone we give thanks.

Were our mouth filled with song as the ocean, and our tongue with joy as the endless waves; were our lips full of praise as the wide heavens, and our eyes shining like the sun or the moon; were our hands spread out in prayer as the eagles of the sky and our feet running as swiftly as the deer--we should still be unable to thank Thee and bless your name, Lord our God and God of our fathers, for one of the thousands and even myriads of favors which Thou hast bestowed on our fathers and on us. Thou hast liberated us from Egypt, Lord our God, and redeemed us from the house of slavery. Thou has fed us in famine and sustained us with plenty. Thou hast saved us from the sword, helped us to escape the plague, and spared us from severe and enduring diseases. Until now your mercy has helped us, and your kindness has not forsaken us; may Thou, Lord our God, never abandon us.

Therefore, the limbs which Thou has given us, the spirit and soul which Thou has breathed into our nostrils, and the tongue which Thou hast placed in our mouth, shall all thank and bless, praise and glorify, exalt and revere, sanctify and acclaim your name, our King. To Thee, every mouth shall offer thanks; every tongue shall vow allegiance; every knee shall bend, and all who stand erect shall bow. All hearts shall revere Thee, and men's inner beings shall sing to your name, as it is written: "all my bones shall say: O Lord, who is like Thee? Thou save the poor man from one that is stronger, the poor and needy from who would rob him." Who may be likened to Thee? Who is equal to Thee? Who can be compared to Thee? O Great, mighty and revered God, supreme God is the Master of heaven and earth. Let us praise, acclaim and glorify Thee and bless your holy name, as it is said: "A Psalm of David: Bless the Lord, O my soul, and let my whole inner being bless His holy name."

הָאֵל בְּתַעֲצֻמוֹת עֻזֶּךָ, הַגָּדוֹל בִּכְבוֹד שְׁמֶךָ, הַגִּבּוֹר לָנֶצַח וְהַנּוֹרָא בְּנוֹרְאוֹתֶיךָ, הַמֶּלֶךְ הַיּושֵׁב עַל כִּסֵּא רָם וְנִשִָּׂא

שׁוֹכֵן עַד מָּרוֹם וְקָּדוֹשׁ שְׁמוֹ. וְכָתוּב: רַנְּנוּ צַדִּיקִים בּ' '', לַיְשָׁרִים נָאוָה תְהִלָּה

בְּפִי יְשָׁרִים תִּתְהַלָּל, וּבְדִבְרֵי צַדִּיקִים תִּתְבַָּרַךְ, וּבִלְשׁוֹן חֲסִידִים תִּתְרוֹמָם, וּבְקֶרֶב קְדוֹשִׁים תִּתְקַדָּשׁ

וּבְמַקְהֲלוֹת רִבבְוֹת עַמְּךָ בֵּית יִשְׂרָאֵל בְּרִנָּה יִתְפָּאֵר שִׁמְךָ, מַלְכֵּנוּ, בְּכָל דּוֹר וָדוֹר, שֶׁכֵּן חוֹבַת כָּל הַיְצוּרִים

לְפָנֶיךָ, יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ , לְהוֹדוֹת לְהַלֵּל לְשַׁבֵּחַ, לְפָאֵר לְרוֹמֵם לְהַדֵּר לְבָרֵךְ, לְעַלֵּה וּלְקַלֵּס עַל כָּל דִּבְרֵי שִׁירוֹת וְתִשְׁבְּחוֹת דַָּוִד בֶּן יִשַׁי עַבְדְּךָ, מְשִׁיחֶךָ

יִשְׁתַּבַּח שִׁמְךָ לַָעַד מַלְכֵּנוּ, הָאֵל הַמֶלֶךְ הַגָּדוֹל וְהַקָּדוֹשׁ בַּשָּׁמַיִם וּבַָאָרֶץ, כִּי לְךָ נָאֶה, יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ , שִׁיר וּשְׁבָחָה, הַלֵּל וְזִמְרָה, עֹז וּמֶמְשָׁלָה, נֶצַח, גְּדֻלָּה וּגְבוּרָה, תְּהִלָה וְתִפְאֶרֶת, קְדֻשָּׁה וּמַלְכוּת, בְּרָכוֹת וְהוֹדָאוֹת מֵעַתָּה וְעַד עוֹלָם

Ha’El b’ta’atzumot uzecha, hagadol bichvod sh’mecha, hagibor lanetzach v’hanora b’norotecha, hamelech hayoshev al kisei ram v’nisa.

Shochain ad marom v’kadosh sh’mo. V’katuv: ran’n’u tzadikim b’Adonai, laiysharim nava t’hilah.

B’fi y’sharim tithallal, u’v’divrei tzadikim titbarach, u’vilshon chasidim titromam, u’vkerev k’doshim titkadash.

Uv’makalot riv’vot amcha beit Yisrael b’rinah yitpa’er shimcha, malkeinu, b’chol dor vador. Shekein chovat kol hay’tzurim l’fanech, Adonai Eloheinu v’Elohei avoteinu, l’hodot l’hallel l’shabei’ach, l’pa’er l’romem l’hader l’vareich, l’alai u’l’kalais al kol divrei shirot v’tishbachot David ben Yishai avd’cha, mishichecha.

Yishtabach shimcha la’ad malkeinu, Ha’El hamelech hagadol v’hakadosh bashamayim u’va’aretz, ki l’cha na’eh, Adonai Eloheinu v’Elohei avoteinu, shir u’shvachah, hallel v’zimrah, oaz u’memshalah, netzach, g’dulah u’g’vurah, t’hilah v’tiferet, k’dushah u’malchut, brachot v’hoda’ot mai’atah v’ad olam.

 

O God in your mighty acts of power, great in the honor of your name, powerful forever and revered for your awe-inspiring acts, O King seated upon a high and lofty throne!

He who abidest forever, exalted and holy is His name. And it is written: "Rejoice in the Lord, you righteous; it is pleasant for the upright to give praise."

By the mouth of the upright you shall be praised; By the words of the righteous you shall be blessed;

By the tongue of the pious you shall be exalted; And in the midst of the holy you shall be sanctified.

In the assemblies of the multitudes of your people, the house of Israel, with song shall your name, our King, be glorified in every generation. For it is the duty of all creatures to thank, praise, laud, extol, exalt, adore, and bless Thee; even beyond the songs and praises of David the son of Jesse, your anointed servant.

Praise be your name forever, our King, who rules and is great and holy in heaven and on earth; for to Thee, Lord our God, it is fitting to render song and praise, hallel and psalms, power and dominion, victory, glory and might, praise and beauty, holiness and sovereignty, blessings and thanks, from now and forever.

The Fourth Cup of Wine

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן

Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha’olam, borei p’ri hagafen.

Praised are you, Adonai, Ruler of the universe, who has created the fruit of the vine.

Drink the wine, then recite the concluding blessing:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ העוֹלָם, עַל הַגֶּפֶן וְעַל פְּרִי הַגֶּפֶן ,וְעַל תְּנוּבַת הַשָּׂדֶה וְעַל אֶרֶץ חֶמְדָּה טוֹבָה וּרְחָבָה שֶׁרָצִיתָ וְהִנְחַלְתָּ לַאֲבוֹתֵינוּ לֶאֱכֹל מִפִּרְיָהּ וְלִשְׂבֹּעַ מִטּוּבָהּ רַחֶם נָא יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ עַל יִשְׂרָאֵל עַמֶּךָ וְעַל יְרוּשָׁלַיִם עִירֶךָ וְעַל צִיּוֹן מִשְׁכַּן כְּבוֹדֶךָ וְעַל מִזְבְּחֶךָ וְעַל הֵיכָלֶךָ וּבְנֵה יְרוּשָׁלַיִם עִיר הַקֹדֶשׁ בִּמְהֵרָה בְיָמֵינוּ וְהַעֲלֵנוּ לְתוֹכָהּ וְשַׂמְחֵנוּ בְּבִנְיָנָהּ וְנֹאכַל מִפִּרְיָהּ וְנִשְׂבַּע מִטּוּבָהּ וּנְבָרֶכְךָ עָלֶיהָ בִּקְדֻשָׁה וּבְטָהֳרָה (בשבת: וּרְצֵה וְהַחֲלִיצֵנוּ בְּיוֹם הַשַׁבָּת הַזֶּה) וְשַׂמְחֵנוּ בְּיוֹם חַג הַמַּצּוֹת הַזֶּה , כִּי אַתָּה יי טוֹב וּמֵטִיב לַכֹּל וְנוֹדֶה לְּךָ עַל הָאָרֶץ וְעַל פְּרִי הַגֶּפֶן. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי עַל הַגֶּפֶן וְעַל פְּרִי הַגֶּפֶן.

Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha’olam, al ha-gafen v’al p’ri ha-gafen, al t’nuvat hasadeh v’al aretz chemdah tovah u’r’chavah sheratzita v’hinchalta la’avoteinu le’echol mipiryah v’lisboa mituvah racheim na Adonai Eloheinu al Yisrael amecha v’al Yerushalayim irecha v’al tzion mishkan k’vodecha v’al mizbecha v’al haichalecha u’vnei Yerushalayim ir hakodesh bimheirah b’yamenu v’ha’aleinu l’tochah v’samcheinu b’vinyanah v’nochal mipriyah v’nisba mituvah u’nivarechecha aleha bikdushah u’vtaharah (u’rtzei v’hachalitzeinu b’yom haShabbat hazeh) v’samcheinu b’yom chag hamatzot hazeh, ki Atah Adonai tov u’maitiv lakol v’nodeh l’cha al ha’aretz v’al p’ri hagefen. Baruch Atah Adonai, al ha-gafen v’al p’ri ha-gafen.

Praised are you, Adonai, Ruler of the universe, for the vine and the fruit, and for produce of the field, for the beautiful and spacious land, which you gave to our ancestors as a heritage. Have mercy, Adonai our God, on Israel your people, on Jerusalem your city. Rebuild Jerusalem, the holy city, speedily in our days. Bring us there and cheer us with its restoration; may we eat Israel’s produce and enjoy its goodness; we praise you for Jerusalem’s centrality in our lives. (On Shabbat add: Favor us and strengthen us on this Sabbath day) and grant us happiness on this Feast of Matzot, For you, Adonai are good and beneficent to all, and we thank you for the land and the fruit of the vine. Praised are you, Adonai, for the land and the fruit of the vine.

Chapter Eleven

1. The Lord said to Jerry, "I will bring one more plague upon Pharaoh and upon Manhattan; afterwards Newman will drive you out of here. He’s an idiot altogether.”

1. Please, speak into the ears of the people, and let them “borrow”, each man from his friend and each woman from her friend, silver vessels and golden vessels. That’s right. Gold, Jerry! Gold!”

1. So the Lord gave the people favor in the Manhattanites’ eyes; also Jerry was highly esteemed in the land of Manhattan – How could anyone not like him?

1. Jerry said, "So said the Lord, Art Vandelay, ‘At the dividing point of the night, I will go out into midtown Manhattan, and every firstborn Bubble Boy in the land of Manhattan will die, from the firstborn Bubble Boy of Pharaoh, who sits on his throne to the firstborn Bubble Boy of the slave woman who is behind the millstones, and every firstborn Bubble animal.

1. And there will be a great cry throughout the entire land, such as there never has been and such as there shall never be again. They’ll cry, and then they’ll cry again.

1. But to all the children of Israel, not one dog will whet its tongue against either man or beast, in order that you shall know that the Lord will separate between the Manhattanites and between Israel”. What does dog licking have to do with the slaying of first Bubble boys? That’s what I’d like to know about it.

1. The Lord said to Jerry, "Pharaoh will not heed you, in order to increase My miracles in the land of Manhattan."

1. Jerry and George had performed all these miracles before Pharaoh, but the Lord strengthened Pharaoh's heart, and he did not let the children of Israel out of his land. And Jerry said, “If you strengthen Newman’s heart one more time, I’m gonna completely lose it!!”

Nirtzah נרצה

After all the singing is concluded we rise and recite together the traditional formula, the Seder is concluded .

חֲסַל סִדּוּר פֶּסַח כְּהִלְכָתוֹ, כְּכָל מִשְׁפָּטוֹ וְחֻקָתוֹ. כַּאֲשֶׁר זָכִינוּ לְסַדֵּר אוֹתוֹ. כֵּן נִזְכֶּה לַעֲשׂוֹתוֹ. זָךְ שׁוֹכֵן מְעוֹנָה, קוֹמֵם קְהַל עֲדַת מִי מָנָה. בְּקָרוֹב נַהֵל נִטְעֵי כַנָּה. פְּדוּיִם לְצִיוֹן בְּרִנָּה.

Chasal sidur pesach k'hilchato, k'chol mishpato v'chukato. Ka-asher zachinu l'sadeir oto, kein nizkeh la-asoto. Zach shochein m'onah, komeim k'hal adat mi manah. B'karov naheil nitei chanah, p'duyim l'tzion b'rinah.

The Passover Seder is concluded, according to each traditional detail with all its laws and customs. As we have been privileged to celebrate this Seder, so may we one day celebrate it in Jerusalem. Pure One who dwells in the high places, support your People countless in number. May you soon redeem all your People joyfully in Zion.

At the conclusion of the Seder, everyone joins in singing:

לְשָׁנָה הַבָּאָה בִּירוּשַָׁלָיִם

L'shana Haba'ah b'Y’rushalayim

Next Year in Jerusalem!

Chapter Twelve

1. The Lord spoke to Jerry and to George in the land of Manhattan saying, “This month shall be to you the head of the months; to you it shall be the first of the months of the year. And you shall no longer call it the Newmanium, as Pharaoh has decreed. And you shall call it instead the Kramerium, as I command. Don’t ask me why. God’s choice.

1. Speak to the entire community of Israel, saying, "On the tenth of this month, The Kramerium, let each one take a lamb for each parental home, a lamb for each household.

1. But if the household is too small for a lamb, then he and his neighbor who is nearest to his house shall take one according to the number of people, each one according to one's ability to eat.” And Jerry shook his milky-white hand at the Lord and said, “That’s commie-talk!”

1. And so the Lord suggested that they get a smaller lamb.

1. “You shall have a perfect male sheep in its first year; you may take it either from the ram or from the ewe.

1. And George inquired, “Let me understand. You got the ewe, the sheep and the ram. The ram goes with the sheep. So who’s having sex with the ewe?

1. And Jerry suggested they talk about it another time.

1. But George persisted, saying “But you see my point here? You only hear of a ewe, a ram and a lamb. Something’s missing!

1. And God said, “They’re all sheep. The ram has sex with all of them.” And George responded, saying, “That’s perverse.”

1. “Well, as I was saying…You shall keep it for inspection until the fourteenth day of the Kramerium, and the entire congregation of the community of Israel shall slaughter it in the afternoon.

1. And Jerry said, “Slaughter? That sounds kind of messy.” But he ultimately assented, saying, “Let’s watch them slice these fat bastards up.”

1. “And they shall take the blood and they shall not deposit it in a blood bank, nor shall they refrigerate it in their homes, nor shall they use it as chariot coolant. Instead they will put it on the two doorposts and on the lintel, on the houses in which they will eat it.”

1. And Jerry inquired as to meat alternatives for the vegetarians in the congregation or for those who just want to watch their fat intake and God bellowed, “Salad’s got nuttin’ on this mutton!!”

1. “And on this night, they shall eat the flesh, roasted over the fire, and unleavened cakes; with bitter herbs they shall eat it.”

1. And George said, “I told you, Jerry. Your cakes are leavened. We need leaven-free.” And Jerry said, “You got a dilemma with leaven?” And George said, “Yes, I have a dilemma with leaven.” And Jerry said, “You don’t even know what leaven is.” And George said, “I know enough to stay away from it.”

1. And God resumed the instructions: “And before you shall eat of the bitter herbs, you shall intone, each Israelite in the home, husband and wife, son and daughter, “These bitter herbs are making me thirsty’!”

1. And Jerry and George, each of them in their own manner, practiced and they intoned, “These bitter herbs are making me thirsty!” And it was agreed that God’s take was the best because, well…God.

1. “And you shall dip the unleavened cakes in the bitter herbs. You shall dip the unleavened cakes but once in the bitter herbs. You shall not double-dip. I cannot stress this enough. The cakes shall be dipped in the herbs but once. If a child of Israel loses count of the dipping, he shall start over again. For if a child of Israel double dips, it’s like putting his whole mouth in the bitter herbs. So all the children of Israel will take one dip and end it!

1. You shall not eat the flesh rare or boiled in water, except roasted over the fire its head with its legs and with its innards.” And, again, Jerry made that ‘Eww, Gross!’ face he tended to make.

1. “And you shall not leave over any of it until morning, and whatever is left over of it until morning, you shall burn in fire. And if the fire will not be extinguished, try using a large shoe, almost clownish in it’s size.

1. For if any of the flesh is not burned and is instead discarded in a trash receptacle, then those of weak will might later feast on the discarded refuse, and I will not have the children of Israel eating garbage. I’m looking at you George.

1. And this is how you shall eat it: your loins girded, your shoes on your feet, and your Pez in your hand; and you shall eat it in haste, it is a Passover sacrifice to the Lord.”

1. And Jerry was awash with relief as he would not have to worry about his foot odor problem, and George asked what they would be serving for desert.

1. “I will pass through the land of Manhattan on this night, and I will smite every firstborn Bubble Boy in the land of Manhattan, both man and beast, and upon all the gods of Manhattan will I wreak judgments I, the Lord.”

1. And the blood will be for you for a sign upon the houses where you will be, and I will see the blood and skip over you, and there will be no plague to destroy you when I smite the people of the land of Manhattan.

1. And Jerry, trying to move off of the blood idea, threw out some suggestions, saying, “How about instead of blood we use some peanut butter?

1. But God commanded like it was a bodily function, “No. Too many containers. Big mess, big mess. Too sloppy. I want to stick with the blood from the lambs. That's the ticket.”

1. But Jerry, too, would not relent, saying, “How about this: label makers! You know, individualize the houses, like ‘The Steinbergs live here. No smiting, please’.”

1. But God was steadfast, explaining, “The blood conveys that solemn religious look you want in a sign. Very pious.

1. And this day shall be for you as a memorial, and you shall celebrate it as a Festivus for the Lord; throughout your generations, you shall celebrate it as an everlasting statue.”

1. And Jerry stopped God, saying, “Statute” And God said “What?” And Jerry said “Statute. It’s not a statue”. And God said, “No, statue.” And Jerry said, “Fine. We’ll celebrate it as an everlasting sculpture.” And God called upon George, “Just wait a minute. George, you’re smart, is it statue or statute?” And George responding, saying “Statute.” And God remained incredulous, saying, “Oh, I really think you’re wrong.”

1. But God, undeterred, returned to his instructions. “Throughout your generations, you shall celebrate it as an everlasting statue, like a Joe Mayo party. And as Joe Mayo assigns to each man and to each woman a task at his parties, I will assign to every Israelite a task, like the kids with the questions.”

1. For seven days you shall eat unleavened cakes, but on the preceding day you shall clear away all leaven from your houses. For whoever eats leaven from the first day until the seventh day, that soul shall be cut off from Israel, even if the unleavened cakes, like the bitter herbs, make that soul thirsty, or if the unleavened cakes make another soul constipated.

1. And you shall watch over the unleavened cakes, for on this very day I have taken your legions out of the land of Manhattan, and you shall observe this Festivus day throughout your generations, as an everlasting statue.

1. On the fourteenth day of the month of Kramerium, in the evening, you shall eat unleavened cakes, until the twenty first day of the month of Kramerium, in the evening.

1. Jerry summoned all the elders of Israel and said to them, "Draw forth or buy for yourselves sheep for your families and slaughter the Passover Festivus sacrifice.

1. And you shall take a fishing rod or a Bruline tennis racquet and immerse it in the blood that is in the basin, and you shall extend to the lintel and to the two doorposts a shtickl of blood that is in the basin, and you shall not go out, any man from the entrance of his house until morning. God’s gonna be doing some lopping.”

1. The Lord will pass to denogginate the Manhattanites, and He will see the blood on the lintel and on the two doorposts, and the Lord will pass over the entrance, and He will not permit any denogginating in your houses.

1. And you shall keep this matter as a statute for you and for your children forever.

1. And it shall come to pass when you enter the land that the Lord will give you, as He spoke, that you shall observe this Festivus.

1. And it will come to pass if your children say to you, ‘What is this service to you?’

1. You shall say, ‘It is a Passover Festivus to the Lord, for He passed over the houses of the children of Israel in Manhattan when He denogginated the Manhattanites, and He saved our houses. And the people kneeled and prostrated themselves’.”

1. So the children of Israel went and did as the Lord commanded Jerry and George.

1. It came to pass at midnight, and the Lord denogginated every firstborn Bubble boy in the land of Manhattan, from the firstborn Bubble Boy of Pharaoh Newman who sits on his throne to the firstborn Bubble Boy of the captive who is in the dungeon, and every firstborn Bubble animal. And no unbubbled son was denogginated.

1. And Pharaoh arose at night, he and all his servants and all the Manhattanites, and there was a great outcry in Manhattan, for there was no house in which no one was denogginated.

1. So he called for Jerry and George at night, and he said, "Get the hell outta here! Both you, as well as the children of Israel, and go, worship the Lord as you have spoken.

1. Take also your chickens and hens and roosters, and also your sheep and rams and ewes, as you have spoken, and go."

1. So the Manhattanites took hold of the people to hasten to get them the hell out of the land, for they said, "You guys…You’re not our kinda guys."

1. The people picked up their dough when it was not yet leavened, their leftovers bound in their garments on their shoulders.

1. And the children of Israel did according to Jerry’s order, and they “borrowed” from the Manhattanites silver objects, golden objects, and garments. And, yes, whenever one of the “borrowed” objects was golden the Israelite would cry out, “It’s gold, Jerry! Gold!”

1. The Lord gave the people favor in the eyes of the Manhattanites, and they “lent” them, and they emptied out Manhattan.

1. The children of Israel journeyed from Del Boca Vista, Phase 3, located for the purposes of this story, on the Upper West Side, to The corner of First Avenue and First Street, the nexus of the Universe downtown, about six hundred thousand on foot, the men, besides the young children.

1. And also, a great mixed multitude went up with them, and chickens and hens and roosters, and also sheep and rams and ewes.

1. They baked the dough that they had taken out of Manhattan as unleavened cakes, for it had not leavened, for they were driven out of Manhattan. They could not tarry and so they could not stop at Monk’s nor Mendy’s nor The Soup Nazi’s;

1. Nor could they stop at Pomodoro’s nor Papaya King nor Reggie’s;

1. Nor at Joe’s Fruit Stand nor Schnitzer’s nor H&H bagels;

1. Nor at Kenny Rogers Roasters nor Dinky Donuts nor Paisano’s Pizza;

1. Nor at Dream Café nor Hop Sing’s nor Top of the Muffin To You!;

1. Nor at Hunan 5^th Ave nor Pete’s Tavern nor Sardi’s;

1. Nor at Pfeiffer’s nor Kady’s nor La Cucina;

1. George did suggest quickly dipping into Poppie’s but Jerry reminded him that Poppie was a little sloppy.

1. And the habitation of the children of Israel, that they dwelled in Manhattan, was four hundred and thirty years.

1. It came to pass at the end of four hundred and thirty years, and it came to pass in that very day, that all the legions of the Lord went out of the land of Manhattan.

1. It is a night of anticipation for the Lord, to take them out of the land of Manhattan; this night is the Lord's, guarding all the children of Israel throughout their generations.

1. The Lord said to Jerry and George, "This is the statue of the Passover Festivus sacrifice: No anti-dentite may partake of it.

1. And every man's slave, purchased for his money you shall circumcise him, though you may have gotten used to his foreskin; then he will be permitted to partake of it.

1. No Latvian Orthodox person nor any member of a group that goes around mutilating squirrels may partake of it. And obviously no pigmen. I don’t mean to be difficult about this, but I’m devout!

1. It must be eaten in one house; you shall not take any of the meat out of the house to the outside, neither shall you break any of its bones. Nor shall you deep fry any part of it in chocolate sauce.

1. As for the table setting, use your judgment, save one suggestion. Darling, you see where that glass is? How that glass is near the edge of the table? You got the whole table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, so half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag, broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. You can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin' barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is it? Do you?

1. The entire community of Israel shall make it. And buddies will sit around chewing kosher for Passover gum. This is what the holiday is all about.

1. There shall be one law for the native and for the stranger who resides in your midst. Didn’t I just mention something about owning slaves? Never mind.

1. And should a convert reside with you, he shall bathe in garlic and vinegar. And he shall make a Passover Festivus sacrifice to the Lord. And he will learn of how The Lord brought forth the children of Israel from bondage, or at least know the basic plot.

1. All his males shall be circumcised, and a catered lunch shall be served, and then he may approach to make it, and he will be like the native of the land, but no uncircumcised male may partake of it.

1. And Jerry said, “But I don’t want to be a mohel!”

1. All the children of Israel did as the Lord had commanded Jerry and George.

1. It came to pass on that very day, that the Lord took the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt with their legions.

אַדִּיר הוּא

אַדִּיר הוּא, יִבְנֶה בֵּיתוֹ בְּקָרוֹב. בִּמְהֵרָה, בִּמְהֵרָה, בְּיָמֵינוּ בְּקָרוֹב. אֵל בְּנֵה, אֵל בְּנֵה,

 בְּנֵה בֵּיתְךָ בְּקָרוֹב.

בָּחוּר הוּא, גָּדוֹל הוּא, דָּגוּל הוּא, יִבְנֶה בֵּיתוֹ בְּקָרוֹב. בִּמְהֵרָה,בִּמְהֵרָה, בְּיָמֵינוּ בְּקָרוֹב. אֵל בְּנֵה, אֵל בְּנֵה, בְּנֵה בֵּיתְךָ בְּקָרוֹב.

הָדוּר הוּא, וָתִיק הוּא, זַכַּאי הוּא, חָסִיד הוּא, יִבְנֶה בֵּיתוֹ בְּקָרוֹב. בִּמְהֵרָה,בִּמְהֵרָה, בְּיָמֵינוּ בְּקָרוֹב. אֵל בְּנֵה, אֵל בְּנֵה, בְּנֵה בֵּיתְךָ בְּקָרוֹב.

טָהוֹר הוּא, יָחִיד הוּא, כַּבִּיר הוּא, לָמוּד הוּא, מֶלֶךְ הוּא, יִבְנֶה בֵּיתוֹ בְּקָרוֹב. בִּמְהֵרָה,בִּמְהֵרָה, בְּיָמֵינוּ בְּקָרוֹב. אֵל בְּנֵה, אֵל בְּנֵה, בְּנֵה בֵּיתְךָ בְּקָרוֹב.

נוֹרָא הוּא, סַגִּיב הוּא, עִזּוּז הוּא, פּוֹדֶה הוּא, צַדִיק הוּא, יִבְנֶה בֵּיתוֹ בְּקָרוֹב. בִּמְהֵרָה,בִּמְהֵרָה, בְּיָמֵינוּ בְּקָרוֹב. אֵל בְּנֵה, אֵל בְּנֵה, בְּנֵה בֵּיתְךָ בְּקָרוֹב.

קָּדוֹשׁ הוּא, רַחוּם הוּא, שַׁדַּי הוּא, תַּקִּיף הוּא יִבְנֶה בֵּיתוֹ בְּקָרוֹב. בִּמְהֵרָה,בִּמְהֵרָה, בְּיָמֵינוּ בְּקָרוֹב. אֵל בְּנֵה, אֵל בְּנֵה, בְּנֵה בֵּיתְךָ בְּקָרוֹב. 

Adir hu, yivei baito b’karov. Bimheirah, bimheirah, b’yamainu b’karov. El b’nai, El b’nai, b’nai baitcha b’karov.

Bachur hu, gadol hu, dagul hu, yivei baito b’karov. Bimheirah, bimheirah, b’yamainu b’karov. El b’nai, El b’nai, b’nai baitcha b’karov.

Hadur hu, vatik hu, zakai hu, chasid hu, yivei baito b’karov. Bimheirah, bimheirah, b’yamainu b’karov. El b’nai, El b’nai, b’nai baitcha b’karov.

Tahor hu, yachid hu, kabir hu, lamud hu, melech hu yivei baito b’karov. Bimheirah, bimheirah, b’yamainu b’karov. El b’nai, El b’nai, b’nai baitcha b’karov.

Nora hu, sagiv hu, izuz hu, podeh hu, tzadik hu, yivei baito b’karov. Bimheirah, bimheirah, b’yamainu b’karov. El b’nai, El b’nai, b’nai baitcha b’karov.

Kadosh hu, rachum hu, shadai hu, takif hu yivei baito b’karov. Bimheirah, bimheirah, b’yamainu b’karov. El b’nai, El b’nai, b’nai baitcha b’karov.

אֶחָד מִי יוֹדֵעַ

אֶחָד מִי יוֹדֵעַ? אֶחָד אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ. אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

שְׁנַיִם מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁנַיִם אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ. שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

שְׁלשָׁה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁלשָׁה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

אַרְבַּע מִי יוֹדֵעַ? אַרְבַּע אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

חֲמִשָׁה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? חֲמִשָׁה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

שִׁשָּׁה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שִׁשָּׁה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

שִׁבְעָה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שִׁבְעָה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

  שְׁמוֹנָה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁמוֹנָה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שְׁמוֹנָ 

יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

תִּשְׁעָה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? תִּשְׁעָה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

עֲשָׂרָה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? עֲשָׂרָה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: עֲשָׂרָה דִבְּרַיָא, תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

אַחַד עָשָׂר מִי יוֹדֵעַ? אַחַד עָשָׂר אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: אַחַד עָשָׂר כּוֹכְבַיָּא, עֲשָׂרָה דִבְּרַיָא, תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

שְׁנֵים עָשָׂר מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁנֵים עָשָׂר אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שְׁנֵים עָשָׂר שִׁבְטַיָא, אַחַד עָשָׂר כּוֹכְבַיָּא, עֲשָׂרָה דִבְּרַיָא, תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

שְׁלשָׁה עָשָׂר מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁלשָׁה עָשָׂר אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שְׁלשָׁה עָשָׂר מִדַּיָא, שְׁנֵים עָשָׂר שִׁבְטַיָא,   אַחַד עָשָׂר כּוֹכְבַיָּא, עֲשָׂרָה דִבְּרַיָא, תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

 

Echad mi yode’a? Echad ani yode’a: echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Shnayim mi yode’a? Shnayim ani yode’a: shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Shloshah mi yode’a? Shloshah ani yode’a: shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Arba mi yode’a? Arba ani yode’a: arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Chamishah mi yode’a? Chamishah ani yode’a: chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Shishah mi yode’a? Shishah ani yode’a: shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Shiv’ah mi yode’a? Shiv’ah ani yode’a: shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Shmonah mi yode’a? Shmonah ani yode’a: shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnailuchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Tishah mi yode’a? Tishah ani yode’a: tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Asarah mi yode’a? Asarah ani yode’a: asarah dibraiya, tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Echad asar mi yode’a? Echad asar ani yode’a: echad asar kochvaya, asarah dibraiya, tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Shnaim asar mi yode’a? Shnaim asar ani yode’a: shnaim asar shivtaiya, echad asar kochvaya, asarah dibraiya, tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Shloshah asar mi yode’a? Shloshah asar ani yode’a: shloshah asar midaiya, shnaim asar shivtaiya, echad asar kochvaya, asarah dibraiya, tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Reorder songs

Chapter Fourteen(Finally!)

1. The Lord spoke to Jerry, saying, “Speak to the children of Israel, and let them turn back and encamp in front of The West Side Highway, between Canal Street and the Hudson; in front of The entrance to the Holland Tunnel, you shall encamp opposite it, by the Hudson.

1. And Newman will say about the children of Israel, ‘They are trapped in the land. TriBeCa has closed in upon them’.

1. And I will harden Pharaoh's cardiac arteries, and he will pursue them, and I will be glorified through Pharaoh and through his entire force, and the Manhattanites will know that I am the Lord, Baby!” And they did so.

1. It was reported to Newman that the people had fled; and Pharaoh and his servants had a change of heart toward the people, and they said, “What is this that we have done, that we have released Israel from serving us? That was a really stupid thing! Why did we lend them our stuff? They aren’t coming back. They were never going to return our stuff!”

1. So Newman harnessed his chariot, and took his people with him.

1. He took six hundred select chariots and all the chariots of Egypt, with officers over them all.

1. And the Lord hardened the arteries of Pharaoh, the king of Manhattan, and he chased after the children of Israel, and the children of Israel were marching out triumphantly.

1. The Manhattanites chased after them and overtook them encamped by the Hudson every horse of Pharaoh's chariots, his horsemen, and his force beside the West Side Highway, in front of The entrance to the Holland Tunnel.

1. Pharaoh drew near, and the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold! the Manhattanites were advancing after them.

1. The Israelites were very frightened. Like really scared, not the fake kind where you say “Oooo, I’m so scared,” just to be sarcastic because you’re not really scared at all. And the children of Israel cried out to the Lord.

1. They said to Jerry, “Is it because there are no graves on the Upper West Side that you have taken us to die in TriBeCa?” which is sarcastic and, frankly, rude and ungrateful given the circumstances.

1. “What is this that you have done to us to take us out of The Upper West Side? Isn't this the thing about which we spoke to you about uptown, saying, ‘Leave us alone, and we will serve the Manhattanites, because we would rather serve the Manhattanites than die in the desert’?”

1. And Jerry, in a very high, nasal pitch, shouted at the people, “YOU NEVER SAID THAT!!! YOU LIARS!” But George reminded Jerry, saying “It’s not a lie if they believe it.”

1. And the children of Israel continued their kvetching, saying things like, “Why have you taken us from a country packed with ponies to a non-pony country?” and, ”Here’s to feeling good none of the time!”

1. But Jerry composed himself - even though the children of Israel were a BUNCH OF LIARS! – and said, “Don't be afraid! Stand firm and find your Katra. See the Lord's salvation that He will wreak for you today.”

1. And the Elders of the people of the children of Israel asked Jerry, “What of this Katra?” And Jerry explained to them, saying “It is your Spirit, your Being. The part of you that says, ‘Yes, I can’!”

1. And the Elders of the people of the children of Israel explained to them that Katra, the spirit of the Lord, was with them.

1. And Jerry overheard this and he clarified that, no, Katra was not the spirit of The Lord, rather from Star Trek III, The Search for Spock. And the children of Israel protested, and Jerry said, “Yeah, I know, George will tell you Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me – “

1. And the children of Israel protested even more angrily, shouting “Khaaaan!!” and began throwing golf clubs at Jerry.

1. And Jerry said, “The Lord will fight for you.” And the Lord said to Jerry, “Don’t look at me! I didn’t say anything about fighting…”

1. And Jerry said, “But you told me you ‘will be glorified through Pharaoh and through his entire force, and the Manhattanites will know that I am the Lord, Baby!’”

1. And God said, “What? Are you using my ‘Baby’s now?”

1. And Jerry Said “No, I was just quoting you! ...So why did you tell me to bring them here?! Worlds are colliding! Jerry’s getting upset!”

1. And God said, “Look, just raise your Pez and stretch out your hand over the Hudson and split it, and the children of Israel shall come in the midst of the Hudson on dry land. It’s low flow.”

1. And Jerry was skeptical saying, “Low flow? I don’t like the sound of that.”

1. Then the Angel of God, who had been going in front of the Israelite camp, moved and went behind them, and a pillar of cloud moved away from in front of them and stood behind them.

1. And he came between the camp of Manhattan and the camp of Israel, and there were the cloud and the darkness, and it illuminated the night - as though the planets were on fire, like flaming globes - and one did not draw near the other all night long.

1. And Jerry stretched out his hand over the Hudson, and the Lord led the Hudson to low flow all night, and He made the Hudson into dry land and the waters split.

1. Then the children of Israel came into the midst of the Hudson on dry land, and the waters were to them as a wall from their right and from their left.

1. The Manhattanites pursued and came after them, all Newman’s horses, his chariots, and his horsemen, into the midst of the Hudson.

1. It came about in the morning watch that the Lord looked down over the Manhattan camp through a pillar of fire and cloud, and He threw the Manhattan camp into confusion.

1. He removed the wheels of their chariots, and He led them with heaviness, and the horsemen said only ‘Yo-Yo Ma’.

1. And they ran away from the Israelites because the Lord was fighting for them against the Manhattanites, after all.

1. Thereupon, the Lord said to Jerry, “Stretch out your hand over the Hudson, and let the water run high flow upon the Manhattanites, upon their chariots, and upon their horsemen”.

1. And Jerry said, “I like the sound of that.”

1. So Jerry stretched out his hand over the Hudson, and toward morning the Hudson returned to full flow, as the Manhattanites were fleeing toward it, and the Lord stirred the Manhattanites into the Hudson.

1. And the waters returned and covered the chariots and the horsemen, the entire force of Newman coming after them into the Hudson; not even one of them survived.

1. On that day the Lord saved Israel from the hands of the Manhattanites, and Israel saw the Manhattanites dying on the riverbank.

1. And Israel saw the great upper hand, which the Lord had used upon the Manhattanites who had no hand, and the people feared the Lord, and they believed in the Lord and in Jerry His servant, a very, very good man.

אֶחָד מִי יוֹדֵעַ

אֶחָד מִי יוֹדֵעַ? אֶחָד אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ. אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

שְׁנַיִם מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁנַיִם אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ. שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

שְׁלשָׁה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁלשָׁה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

אַרְבַּע מִי יוֹדֵעַ? אַרְבַּע אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

חֲמִשָׁה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? חֲמִשָׁה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

שִׁשָּׁה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שִׁשָּׁה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

שִׁבְעָה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שִׁבְעָה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

  שְׁמוֹנָה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁמוֹנָה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שְׁמוֹנָ 

יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

תִּשְׁעָה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? תִּשְׁעָה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

עֲשָׂרָה מִי יוֹדֵעַ? עֲשָׂרָה אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: עֲשָׂרָה דִבְּרַיָא, תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

אַחַד עָשָׂר מִי יוֹדֵעַ? אַחַד עָשָׂר אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: אַחַד עָשָׂר כּוֹכְבַיָּא, עֲשָׂרָה דִבְּרַיָא, תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

שְׁנֵים עָשָׂר מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁנֵים עָשָׂר אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שְׁנֵים עָשָׂר שִׁבְטַיָא, אַחַד עָשָׂר כּוֹכְבַיָּא, עֲשָׂרָה דִבְּרַיָא, תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

שְׁלשָׁה עָשָׂר מִי יוֹדֵעַ? שְׁלשָׁה עָשָׂר אֲנִי יוֹדֵעַ: שְׁלשָׁה עָשָׂר מִדַּיָא, שְׁנֵים עָשָׂר שִׁבְטַיָא,   אַחַד עָשָׂר כּוֹכְבַיָּא, עֲשָׂרָה דִבְּרַיָא, תִּשְׁעָה יַרְחֵי לֵדָה, שְׁמוֹנָה יְמֵי מִילָה, שִׁבְעָה יְמֵי שַׁבָּתָא, שִׁשָּׁה סִדְרֵי מִשְׁנָה, חֲמִשָׁה חוּמְשֵׁי תוֹרָה, אַרְבַּע אִמָהוֹת, שְׁלשָׁה אָבוֹת, שְׁנֵי לֻחוֹת הַבְּרִית, אֶחָד אֱלֹהֵינוּ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַים וּבָאָרֶץ.

 

Echad mi yode’a? Echad ani yode’a: echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Shnayim mi yode’a? Shnayim ani yode’a: shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Shloshah mi yode’a? Shloshah ani yode’a: shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Arba mi yode’a? Arba ani yode’a: arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Chamishah mi yode’a? Chamishah ani yode’a: chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Shishah mi yode’a? Shishah ani yode’a: shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Shiv’ah mi yode’a? Shiv’ah ani yode’a: shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Shmonah mi yode’a? Shmonah ani yode’a: shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnailuchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Tishah mi yode’a? Tishah ani yode’a: tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Asarah mi yode’a? Asarah ani yode’a: asarah dibraiya, tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Echad asar mi yode’a? Echad asar ani yode’a: echad asar kochvaya, asarah dibraiya, tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Shnaim asar mi yode’a? Shnaim asar ani yode’a: shnaim asar shivtaiya, echad asar kochvaya, asarah dibraiya, tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.

Shloshah asar mi yode’a? Shloshah asar ani yode’a: shloshah asar midaiya, shnaim asar shivtaiya, echad asar kochvaya, asarah dibraiya, tishah yarchai laidah, shmonah yimei milah, shiv’ah yimei shabbata, shishah sidrei mishnah, chamishah chumshei Torah, arba imahot, shloshah avot, shnai luchot habrit, echad Eloheinu shebashamayim u’va’aretz.