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Barukh Atah Adonay Eloheynu Melekh ha-Olam asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu l'hadlik neyr shel Yom Tov.
.בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ לְהַדְלִיק נֵר שֶׁל יוֹם טוֹב
Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Ruler of the Universer, who commands us to light these Holiday candles.
The blessings below are for a weeknight. (On Shabbat we add the words in parentheses)
וַיְהִי עֶרֶב וַיְהִי בֹקֶר יוֹם הַשִּׁשִּׁי. וַיְכֻלּוּ הַשָׁמַיִם וְהָאָרֶץ וְכָל צְבָאַָם. וַיְכַל אֱלֹקִים בַּיוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי מְלַאכְתּוֹ אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה וַיִּשְׁבֹּת בַּיוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי מִכָּל מְלַאכְתּוֹ אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה. וַיְבָרֶךְ אֱלֹהִים אֶת יוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי וַיְקַדֵּשׁ אוֹתוֹ כִּי בוֹ שָׁבַת מִכָּל מְלַאכְתּוֹ אֲשֶׁר בֶָּרָא אֱלֹהִים לַעֲשׂוֹת
(Vay'hi erev vay'hi voker yom hashi-shi. Vay'chulu hashamayim v'ha-aretz v’choltzva’am. Vay’chal Elohim bayom hashvi’i, m'lachto asher asah, vayishbot bayom hashvi-i, mikol-mlachto asher asah. Vay'vareich Elohim, et-yom hashvi’i, vay'kadeish oto, ki vo shavat mikol-mlachto, asher-bara Elohim la-asot.)
(“And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day. Now the heavens and all their host were completed. And on the seventh day God finished His work of creation which He had made. And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, for on that day God rested from His work and ceased creating.)
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָפֶן
Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha’olam, borei p'ri hagafen.
Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who has created the fruit of the vine.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר בָּחַר בָּנוּ מִכָּל עָם וְרוֹמְמָנוּ מִכָּל לָשׁוֹן וְקִדְּשָׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו. וַתִּתֶּן לָנוּ יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ בְּאַהֲבָה (שַׁבָּתוֹת לִמְנוּחָה וּ) מוֹעֲדִים לְשִׂמְחָה, חַגִּים וּזְמַנִּים לְשָׂשׂוֹן, אֶת יוֹם (הַשַׁבָּת הַזֶה וְאֶת יוֹם) חַג הַמַצוֹת הַזֶה, זְמַן חֵרוּתֵנוּ (בְּאַהֲבָה), מִקְרָא קֹדֶשׁ, זֵכֶר לִיצִיאַת מִצְרָיִם. כִּי בָנוּ בָחַרְתָּ וְאוֹתָנוּ קִדַּשְׁתָּ מִכָּל הָעַמִּים, (וְשַׁבָּת) וּמוֹעֲדֵי קָדְשֶךָ (בְּאַהֲבָה וּבְרָצוֹן,) בְּשִׂמְחָה וּבְשָׂשׂוֹן הִנְחַלְתָּנוּ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי, מְקַדֵּשׁ (הַשַׁבָּת וְ) יִשְׂרָאֵל וְהַזְּמַנִּים.
Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha’olam, asher bachar banu mikol’am, v'rom'manu mikol-lashon, v'kid'shanu b'mitzvotav, vatiten-lanu Adonai Eloheinu b'ahavah (shabatot limnuchah u) moadim l'simchah, chagim uz'manim l'sason et-yom (hashabat hazeh v'et-yom) chag hamatzot hazeh. Z'man cheiruteinu, (b'ahavah,) mikra kodesh, zeicher litziat mitzrayim. Ki vanu vacharta v'otanu kidashta mikol ha’amim. (v'shabat) umo’adei kod’shecha (b'ahavah uv'ratzon) b'simchah uv'sason hinchaltanu. Baruch atah Adonai, m'kadeish (h’shabbat v') Yisrael v'hazmanim.
Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has chosen us from among all people, and languages, and made us holy through Your mitzvot, giving us lovingly [Shabbat for rest] festivals for joy, and special times for celebration, this [Shabbat and this] Passover, this [given in love] this sacred gathering to commemorate the Exodus from Egypt. You have chosen us, You have shared Your holiness with us among all other peoples. For with [Shabbat and] festive revelations of Your holiness, happiness and joy You have granted us [lovingly] joyfully the holidays. Praised are you, Adonai, Who sanctifies [Shabbat], Israel and the festivals.
On Saturday night include the following section:
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא מְאוֹרֵי הָאֵשׁ. בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם הַמַבְדִיל בֵּין קֹדֶשׁ לְחֹל, ין אוֹר לְחשֶׁךְ, בֵּין יִשְׂרָאֵל לָעַמִּים, בֵּין יוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי לְשֵׁשֶׁת יְמֵי הַמַּעֲשֶׂה. בֵּין קְדֻשַּׁת שַׁבָּת לִקְדֻשַּׁת יוֹם טוֹב הִבְדַּלְתָּ, וְאֶת יוֹם הַשְּׁבִיעִי מִשֵּׁשֶׁת יְמֵי הַמַּעֲשֶׂה קִדַּשְׁתָּ. הִבְדַּלְתָּ וְקִדַּשְׁתָּ אֶת עַמְּךָ יִשְׂרָאֵל בִּקְדֻשָּׁתֶךָ. ,בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי הַמַּבְדִיל בֵּין קֹדֶשׁ לְקֹדֶשׁ
( Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, borei m'orei ha-eish.
Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha’olam, hamavdil bein kodesh l'chol bein or l'choshech, bein Yisrael la-amim, bein yom hashvi-i l'sheishet y'mei hama-aseh. Bein k'dushat shabat likdushat yom tov hivdalta. V'et-yom hashvi-i misheishet y'mei hama-aseh kidashta. Hivdalta v'kidashta et-am'cha yisra-eil bikdushatecha. Baruch atah Adonai, hamavdil bein kodesh l'kodesh.)
(Praised are You Adonai our God Lord of the universe who created the lights of fire.
Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who makes a distinction between the holy and profane, light and darkness, Israel and the nations, Shabbat and the six workdays. You have made a distinction between the holiness of Shabbat and the holiness of the festival, and You have sanctified Shabbat above the six work-days. You have set apart and made holy Your people Israel with your holiness. Praised are you, Adonai, who distinguishes between degrees of sanctity.)
Say this Shehechiyanu blessing the first Seder night only:
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, שֶׁהֶחֱיָנוּ וְקִיְּמָנוּ וְהִגִּיעָנוּ לַזְּמַן הַזֶה
Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam,
she’hecheyanu v'ki'manu v'higi-anu laz'man hazeh.
Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe,
who has sustained us, maintained us and enabled us to reach this moment in life.
Take less than a kezayit (the volume of one olive) of the karpas, dip it into salt-water, and recite the following blessing:
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הָאֲדָמָה
Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha’olam, borei p’ri ha’adamah.
Blessed are You, Lord, our God, Ruler of the universe, who creates the fruit of the earth.
Take the middle matzah and break it into two, one piece larger than the other.
The larger piece is set aside to serve as Afikoman. This is traditionally hidden, by the leader of the Seder for the children to “steal” or “find” and then ransom for a something at the end of the Seder.
The smaller piece is put back, between the two matzot. This smaller piece, along with the top matzah is what will be used for the “Motzi-Matzah” and “Korech”
Maggid – Beginning
מגיד
Raise the tray with the matzot and say:
הָא לַחְמָא עַנְיָא דִי אֲכָלוּ אַבְהָתָנָא בְּאַרְעָא דְמִצְרָיִם. כָּל דִכְפִין יֵיתֵי וְיֵיכֹל, כָּל דִצְרִיךְ יֵיתֵי וְיִפְסַח. הָשַׁתָּא הָכָא, לְשָׁנָה הַבָּאָה בְּאַרְעָא דְיִשְׂרָאֵל. הָשַׁתָּא עַבְדֵי, לְשָׁנָה הַבָּאָה בְּנֵי חוֹרִין.
Ha lachma anya dee achalu avhatana b'ara d'meetzrayeem. Kol deechfeen yeitei v'yeichol, kol deetzreech yeitei v'yeefsach. Hashata hacha, l'shanah haba-ah b'ara d'yisra-el. Hashata avdei, l'shanah haba-ah b'nei choreen.
This is the bread of affliction, which our ancestors ate in the land of Egypt. Let all who are hungry come and eat. Let all who are in need, come and share the Pesach meal. This year, we are here. Next year, in the land of Israel. This year, we are slaves. Next year, we will be free.
Refill the wine cups, but don’t drink yet.
CHARACTERS
Narrator 1
Narrator 2
Pharaoh / REGINA GEORGE
“ARMY OF SKANKS”
Slave / SKANK 1
Slave / SKANK 2
Slave / SKANK 3
Slave / SKANK 4
Slave / SKANK 5
Slave / SKANK 6
Slave / SKANK 7
Herald
Yocheved
Princess / GRETCHEN WEINERS
Princess’s Attendant / KAREN SMITH
Miriam / DAMIAN LEIGH
Sheep
God / MS. NORBURY
Moses / CADY HERON
Aaron / JANIS IAN
Pharaoh’s son
NARRATOR 1: The story of Moses has been told and retold. It is a reminder to the Jewish people – and to all of us – that once we were all the new girl in school, the homeschooled jungle freak, but now we’re all Spring Fling queens. We once thought joining the mathletes was social suicide, but now we all have our state championship letter jackets. In our times of despair, it is important for us to remember that the limit does not exist.
And so, this year, as in all years before, for generation upon generation, for junior class upon junior class, we tell the story of Passover. Now, I invite you to relax, put on your PJs, pull out your burn book, and listen to this tale. We begin at Egypt’s North Shore High School...
PHARAOH: Yes, I’ll have one order of cheese fries, with a Diet Pepsi. And Super Size it. I’m on an all Carb diet now. God, Karen you’re so stupid.
SLAVE 1: Yes, your highness.
SLAVE 2: Wow. Pharoah is flawless! He has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus.
SLAVE 3: I hear his hair's insured for $10,000.
SLAVE 4: I hear he does car commercials... in Japan.
SLAVE 5: One time, he met John Stamos on a plane and he told him he was pretty.
SLAVE 6: One time, he punched me in the face. It was awesome.
PHARAOH: *eye roll*
SLAVE 7: Wow, what a massive group of Hebrew slaves you have! Can I get you guys anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! Oh, God love ya.
PHARAOH: Ugh are there really that many Hebrews here now?!
SLAVE 7: Soooo....what is up with everyone? What’s the 411? What has everybody been up to? What's the hot gossip? Tell me everything. What have you guys been listening to? What are the cool jams?
PHARAOH: Leave, slave. I must think. This is not good. We have way too many losers of this strange culture walking the halls – er, streets.
They are not Plastics; how do I know that in time of war they might not turn against us and talk behind our backs? Irregardless, I must find a way to get rid of these losers.
HERALD: Hear ye, hear ye. It is hearby decreed by Pharaoh, Queen Bee of the Plastics, that any new Hebrews at North Shore High School be forced to join the Mathletes.
YOCHEVED: There is no way that I will let Pharaoh make my baby commit social suicide. I have to hide him.
NARRATOR 2: Yocheved put her baby into the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe, and hid it in the reeds by the river. She sent her young daughter Miriam to hide nearby and watch. Soon, the Plastics came down to the water to bathe.
PRINCESS: What is this? He’s like really pretty.
PRINCESS’S FRIEND: It appears to be a new kid.
PRINCESS: A baby? I heard he’s from Africa.
PRINCESS’S FRIEND: Wait… then why is he White?
PRINCESS: Karen, you can’t just ask someone why they’re white
PRINCESS’S FRIEND: Oh.
PRINCESS: Pick it up!
PRINCESS’S FRIEND: Okay.
PRINCESS: Isn’t it cute? Let’s invite him to sit with us at lunch.
PRINCESS’S FRIEND: Grool.
MIRIAM: We can’t have Moses becoming a full Plastic, he should feel connected to the Jewish people he comes from. Now that he’s within the palace walls, we’ll get close to him and crack the Princess. We crack the Princess, and then we crack the lock on Pharaoh's whole dirty history and maybe he will work the slaves less hard.
AARON: Say crack again.
MIRIAM: Crack.
NARRATOR 1: And so Yocheved’s son, Moses, grew up as the Pharaoh’s adopted clone, with all the riches and prestige that such a position entailed. But still, Moses felt great pity for the army of skanks-slash-enslaved Jews. One day, he came across an Egyptian mocking a slave for wearing army pants and flip flops. With a heart filled with rage, Moses attacked the guard and then he, too, began wearing army pants and flip flops. Of course, by doing so he was breaking like, the rules of feminism, and would have to face Pharaoh as a consequence. So, he ran away from the Plastics to the Back Building and became a shepherd.
SHEEP: baaa
NARRATOR 2: One morning before class, one of Moses’ sheep strayed from the pack.
SHEEP: I’m a sheep. Duh.
NARRATOR 2: Moses followed the sheep all the way to the Projection Room above the Auditorium and came across a bush that was burning, but not being consumed. He turned to look at it, and God called out to him.
GOD: Moses
MOSES: Jambo!
GOD: I am God and I have seen the pain of the enslaved Jews in Egypt. It’s like I have ESPN or something... I have come to deliver the Jews out of the hands of the Egyptians and that Pharaoh, and to bring them out of Egypt to a better place flowing with milk and honey. And now, I will send you to Pharaoh so that you can deliver My people to the promised land.
MOSES: WAIT. Why do I have to do it? Do you know how mean Pharaoh really is? Two years ago he told me hoop earrings were his thing, and I wasn’t allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hanukkah my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn’t even like them. It was so sad.
GOD: I will be with you.
MOSES: What should I tell the people? When they ask who sent me, what should I say? What is your name even?
GOD: ‘I AM THAT I AM’; Tell everyone and they will listen to you. All of them – the Freshmen, ROTC Guys, preps, JV jocks, Asian nerds, cool Asians, varsity jocks, unfriendly Black hotties, girls who eat their feelings, girls who don't eat anything, desperate wannabes, burnouts, sexually active band geeks, and most especially, the king of Egypt himself and his Plastics. I mean, Why should Pharaoh get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What’s so great about Pharaoh? Hmm? I am just as cute as Pharaoh. I am just as smart as Pharaoh. People totally like me just as much as they like Pharaoh. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that’s not what Egypt is about. We should totally just stab Pharaoh!
MOSES: Umm...
GOD: And I know that Pharaoh will not let you leave, except by a mighty hand. Or bus. And I will put forth my hand and all of my godly high school pettiness. And after that he will let you go.
MOSES: God, please. I can’t do it! Can you send someone else?
GOD: What about Aaron? I know that he can speak well. Tell him about me, and put the words in his mouth. I will teach you what you should do.
NARRATOR 2: And so Moses went to the full Junior class, asked how many of them had personally been victimized by Pharoah, and convinced them that God had spoken to him. He then went to the Pharaoh and told Aaron what to say.
AARON: Listen up, Pharaoh! We are here to demand, in the name of a really bitchin’ God, that you release the Hebrew people from slavery.
PHARAOH: Cute, guys. Good show, good show. So, Aaron and Moses, back after all of these years to bring shame on yourself? I like invented you, you know.
AARON: You cared for my brother Moses for many years. At one time, he loved you as a friend. Like cold, hard, shiny plastic. But he is the son of a Hebrew slave. Does that mean anything to you?! If you love him, you will let our people go.
PHARAOH’S SON: Damn. Who are you?! I'd rather see you up there shakin' that thang.
AARON: I am Aaron, Moses’ brother. *eyeroll* God! I am so sorry Pharoah. Really, I don't know why I did this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big *lesbian* crush on you! If you do not release us, then I’m sure God, the inventor of toaster strudel, would not be too pleased to hear about this.
NARRATOR 1: God sent many plagues to Egypt. She turned the water in the Nile to blood, she sent a plague of frogs, she sent lice and flies, and she made it really humid outside every day so everyone’s hair looked like shit.
PHARAOH’S SON: Damn Africa, what happened?!
AARON: Now will you let my people go?
PHARAOH: Oh my god I love your skirt where did you get it?
AARON: So you’ll let our people go?
PHARAOH: Of course not. That is the ugliest effing skirt I’ve ever seen.
AARON: Boo, you whore.
NARRATOR 1: Plague after plague fell on Egypt. Cattle illness, boils, hail and locusts. Remarkably, the plagues only touched the Egyptians. The Hebrew slaves were safe under their big hair full of secrets.
AARON: Pharaoh, we don’t know what else we can do to make you see that eventually you’ll have to give in. God told Moses that the next plague will kill the firstborn of every Egyptian household, including your baby prostitute. Pharaoh, don’t let this happen. Let my people go!
PHARAOH: I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can't help it that I'm popular. I do not know your god, and I will not let your people go. Get out of my house! Get out!
NARRATOR 2: God came to Moses and had him tell the Jewish people to slay a lamb and mark their doors with its blood. Then, the Angel of Death, or maybe just that weird goth kid from math class, flew over Egypt. He took the lives of all the firstborn, except for those in the homes marked with blood. (Okay, DEFINITELY that creepy goth kid…..) It was devastating! The people of Egypt were saddened and horrified.
ALL SING:
Ten Plagues Rock
Ten plagues ten plagues ten plagues rock
Ten to make you cry and ten to make you hop
Blood, Frogs, Gnats, Wild Animals, Dead Cows, *slap*
Now the plagues have just begun!
Ten plagues ten plagues ten plagues rock
Ten to make you cry and ten to make you hop
Boils, and fire hail, locusts and Darkness
Don’t forget death of the First Born.
What a blight time, it’s a fright time
To rock the night away
Ten plague time is sweltering time
To go hiding in your home all day
Hey have you noticed that the Jews are alright?
Ten plagues around the clock
Call up the Pharaoh and make it all stop
That’s the Ten Plagues
That’s the Ten Plagues
That’s the Ten Plagues Rock
AARON: Pharaoh, we are sorry for your loss. We’re sorry we laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Noble. And we’re sorry for telling everyone about it. And we’re sorry for repeating it now.
PHARAOH: Go away! Go away and leave me to my grief! Do you know what everyone says about you Moses? They say that you're a homeschooled jungle freak, who's a less hot version of me ! Yeah! So don't try to act so innocent!
AARON: Look, I just wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy. But now that you have seen how powerful God is, will you let my people go?
PHARAOH: Why are you so obsessed with me?! Fine. Just go. Just….sob…just go. Fugly sluts.
NARRATOR 1: In our seder, we fill our wine up to remember our joy in being able to escape the Plastics and leave Egypt. Yet our happiness is not complete, because the Egyptians suffered from the plagues, and eventually were killed so that we could be free. Therefore, we spill a drop of wine from our cups as we say each plague.
ALL: BLOOD, FROGS, LICE, BEASTS, CATTLE DISEASE, BOILS, HAIL, LOCUSTS, DARKNESS, PLAGUE OF THE FIRSTBORN
AARON: Remember this day, October 3rd, in which you came out from Egypt and out of the house of bondage. God has brought you from this place, and she will lead you to the Promised Land. Henceforth, this will be the one night of the year when you can dress like a slut and no other girls can say anything about it.
MOSES: We must go quickly before Pharaoh changes his mind.
MIRIAM: Moses, we won’t have time to butter the muffins!
AARON: It doesn’t matter, we have to go.
PHARAOH: I have just let my skanks all go. This is not good for the people of Egypt. All that my fathers have worked for will vanish if I lose the Hebrew slaves. Who will build the pyramids? Who will build the cities? Who will I write about in the Burn Book? The entire economy of Egypt will collapse without the Hebrews. It will be the end of an empire. I WANT MY SKANKS BACK.
HERALD: All soldiers and warriors – get your swords and armor. Saddle your horses. Get in losers, we’re going after them!
MIRIAM: Look! The Egyptians are coming! They will kill us all! Moses, DO SOMETHING!
MOSES: Do not be afraid. God has provided for us up to now, and she will continue to do so. I cannot say anything else until I have a parent or lawyer present.
GOD: Lift up your rod and stretch out your hand over the sea, and divide it; and the children of Israel shall walk through the sea on dry land. And there's nothing to break your focus, because not one of those Egyptian soldier boys is cute.
NARRATOR 2: Moses stretched out his staff, and the children of Israel walked through the parted waters. When Pharaoh’s armies followed in pursuit, the waters closed in on them like a school bus and hit them all.
MOSES: We made it across the Red Sea! We are free! You know I've never been to this side before and when I think about how many people wanted this, and how many people cried over it and stuff, I mean, I think everybody looks great tonight. Look at Jessica Lopez, that dress is amazing. And Emma Gerber, that hair do must have taken hours and you look really pretty. So why is everybody stressing over this thing? I mean it's just plastic, it's really just... *breaks the crown* something to share. A piece for Gretchen Wieners, a partial Spring Fling Queen. A piece for Janis Ian and a piece for Regina George, she fractured her spine and she still looks like a rockstar, and some for everybody else.
MIRIAM: You know, it’s not really required of you to make a speech...
NARRATOR 1: And Miriam took a timbrel in her hand and began to sing Xtina’s “You Are Beautiful”; and all of the women went out after her with timbrels and danced. Then, the Hebrew people followed Moses toward the Promised Land. Finally, Girl World was at peace.
As we rejoice at our deliverance from slavery, we acknowledge that our freedom was hard-earned. We regret that our freedom came at the cost of the Egyptians’ suffering, for we are all human beings. We pour out a drop of wine for each of the plagues as we recite them to signify having a little less sweetness in our celebration. Dip a finger or a spoon into your wine glass for a drop for each plague.
These are the ten plagues:
BLOOD / dam
FROGS / tzfardeiya
LICE / kinim
BEASTS / arov
CATTLE DISEASE / dever
BOILS / sh’chin
HAIL / barad
LOCUSTS / arbeh
DARKNESS / choshech
DEATH OF THE FIRSTBORN / makat b’chorot
Even though we are happy that the jews escaped slavery, let us once more take a drop of wine as we together recite the names of these modern plagues:
HUNGER
WAR
TERRORISM
GREED
BIGOTRY
INJUSTICE
POVERTY
IGNORANCE
POLLUTION OF THE EARTH
INDIFFERENCE TO SUFFERING
We have now told the story of Passover…but wait! We’re not quite done. There are still some symbols on our seder plate we haven’t talked about yet. Rabban Gamliel would say that whoever didn’t explain the shank bone, matzah, and marror (or bitter herbs) hasn’t done Passover justice.
The shank bone represents the Pesach, the special lamb sacrifice made in the days of the Temple for the Passover holiday. It is called the pesach, from the Hebrew word meaning “to pass over,” because God passed over the houses of our ancestors in Egypt when visiting plagues upon our oppressors.
The matzah reminds us that when our ancestors were finally free to leave Egypt, there was no time to pack or prepare. Our ancestors grabbed whatever dough was made and set out on their journey, letting their dough bake into matzah as they fled.
The bitter herbs provide a visceral reminder of the bitterness of slavery, the life of hard labor our ancestors experienced in Egypt.
We praise you, Adonai, our God, Ruler of the universe, who redeemed us and our ancestors from slavery, enabling us to reach this night and eat matzah and bitter herbs. May we continue to reach future holidays in peace and happiness.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם
בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן:
Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam,
borei p’ree hagafen.
We praise you, Adonai, our God, Ruler of the universe,
who creates the fruit of the vine.
Drink the second glass of wine!
Hand-washing רַחְצָה (second time, with blessing)
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ אֱלֹהֵֽינוּ מֶֽלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָנוּ עַל נְטִילַת יָדָיִם
barukh atah Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha-olam asher kiddeshanu b’mits-vo-tav v’tsivanu al n’ti-lat ya-da-yim
Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Ruler of the Universe, who makes us holy with commandments and commands us to wash our hands.
Motzi-Matzah מוֹצִיא
Take the three matzot - the broken piece between the two whole ones – and hold them in your hand and recite the following blessing:
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם הַמּוֹצִיא לֶחֶם מִן הָאָרֶץ
Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, hamotzi lechem min ha-aretz.
Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who provides sustenance from the earth.
Before eating the matzah, put the bottom matzah back in its place and continue, reciting the following blessing while holding only the top and middle piece of matzah.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ עַל אֲכִילַת מַצָּה
Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al achilat matzah.
Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who has taught us the way of holiness through commandments, commanding us to eat matzah.
Break the top and middle matzot into pieces and distribute them everyone at the table to eat a while reclining to the left.
Maror מָרוֹר
Now take a kezayit (the volume of one olive) of the maror. Dip it into the Charoset, but not so much that the bitter taste is neutralized. Recite the following blessing and then eat the maror (without reclining):
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יי אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּנוּ עַל אֲכִילַת מָרוֹר.
Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu melech ha-olam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu al achilat maror.
Praised are you, Adonai, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, who has taught us the way of holiness through commandments, commanding us to eat the bitter herb.
Korech כּוֹרֵךְ
זֵכֶר לְמִקְדָּשׁ כְּהִלֵּל. כֵּן עָשָׂה הִלֵּל בִּזְמַן שבֵּית הַמִּקְדָּשׁ הָיָה קַיָים: הָיָה כּוֹרֵךְ מַצָּה וּמָרוֹר וְאוֹכֵל בְּיַחַד, לְקַיֵים מַה שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר: עַל מַצּוֹת וּמְרֹרִים יֹאכְלֻהוּ.
Zeicher l'mikdash k'hileil. Kein asah hileil bizman shebeit hamikdash hayah kayam. Hayah koreich pesach, matzah, u-maror v'ocheil b'yachad. L'kayeim mah shene-emar. “Al matzot um'rorim yochlu-hu.”
Eating matzah, maror and haroset this way reminds us of how, in the days of the Temple, Hillel would do so, making a sandwich of the Pashal lamb, matzah and maror, in order to observe the law “You shall eat it (the Pesach sacrifice) on matzah and maror.”
Shulchan Orech שֻׁלְחָן עוֹרֵךְ
Now is time to enjoy the festival meal and participate in lively discussion. It is permitted to drink wine between the second and third cups.
We will now drink our third cup of wine, which represents God's promise to redeem his people from Egypt. Please read the bolded text together with us:
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן
Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, borei p’ree hagafen.
We praise God, Spirit of Everything, who creates the fruit of the vine.
This is the blessing after the meal, giving thanks to G-d, the hosts, each other, the cat, and anybody else that occurs to us. The traditional one, the Birkat Hatzmon, is as problematic as it is long and tedious, so let’s not bother with that. Instead, let’s go around the table and each choose someone or something we want to bless today, before once again saying the blessing for wine and starting our third cup.
בָּרוּך וּמַעֲשֵׂה יָדֵינוּ
יְלָדִים הָעוֹלָם
מי הקְצִיר פְּרִי הַגָפֶןBaruch uma`asêh yadenu
Elodim Ha’olom
Mi h’katzir p'ri hagafenBlessed is the work of our hands
The children of the universe
Who harvest the fruit of the vine
In place of the Bareich, with all its celebration of militarism, nationhood and driving out enemies, I'd like to suggest this meditation on patriotism from Ursula K. Le Guin's The Left Hand of Darkness to prompt discussion on issues surrounding our connection (or lack of connection) to Israel, and to the states we live in as Diasporan Jews.
The story takes place on the planet of Gethen, also known as Winter. At this point in the story, Estraven (an exile from his country) and Genly Ai (a human from Earth, a kind of ambassador) are fugitives from a labour camp, escaping across an icy wilderness. Remind you of another story?
The porridge was ready, a different matter from the stiff bran mush of Pulefen Farm; it tasted like the roast chestnuts of Terra, and burned the mouth splendidly. Warm through, benevolent, I said, “The best food I’ve eaten on Gethen has always been in your company, Estraven.”
“Not at that banquet in Mishnory.”
“No, that’s true. . . . You hate Orgoreyn, don’t you?”
“Very few Orgota know how to cook. Hate Orgoreyn? No, how should I? How does one hate a country, or love one? Tibe talks about it; I lack the trick of it. I know people, I know towns, farms, hills and rivers and rocks, I know how the sun at sunset in autumn falls on the side of a certain plowland in the hills; but what is the sense of giving a boundary to all that, of giving it a name and ceasing to love where the name ceases to apply? What is love of one’s country; is it hate of one’s uncountry? Then it’s not a good thing. Is it simply self-love? That’s a good thing, but one mustn’t make a virtue of it, or a profession. . . . Insofar as I love life, I love the hills of the Domain of Estre, but that sort of love does not have a boundary-line of hate. And beyond that, I am ignorant, I hope.”
Ignorant, in the Handdara sense: to ignore the abstraction, to hold fast to the thing.
Ursula K. Le Guin, The Left Hand of Darkness, Ace Books (1969)
Elijah's Cup is a cup of wine that we give to the prophet Elijah. We drink four cups of wine each Passover, but leave a fifth for Elijah. We pour this glass of wine and open the door for him. Elijah comes in, drinks the wine, and leaves. Why do we do this? Rav Gaon of Vilna said that we do so because there was a debate about whether a fifth cup was needed for the Seder. Elijah is thought to be the figure that will return to Earth and act as arbiter -- settling all disputes. So this cup is named for him. This cup is significant to our Seder because it reminds of the tension between individual belief and collective action. We all have our points of view, but in this imperfect world, we must make strategic alliances to create positive change. Take this moment to reflect on what coalitions you want to be a part of, what uncomfortable complexity do you live with?
Now let's open the door and sing Eliyahu Hanavi together:
Eliyahu hanavi
Eliyahu hatish'bi
Eliyahu hagil'adi
Bim'herah (beyameinu) yavo eleinu im Mashi'ach ben David. (x2)
What is a Miriam’s Cup?
A Miriam’s Cup is a new ritual object that is placed on the seder table beside the Cup of Elijah. Miriam’s Cup is filled with water. It serves as a symbol of Miriam’s Well, which was the source of water for the Israelites in the desert. Putting a Miriam’s Cup on your table is a way of making your seder more inclusive.
It is also a way of drawing attention to the importance of Miriam and the other women of the Exodus story, women who have sometimes been overlooked but about whom our tradition says, "If it wasn’t for the righteousness of women of that generation we would not have been redeemed from Egypt" (Babylonian Talmud, Sotah 9b).
There are many legends about Miriam’s well. It is said to have been a magical source of water that followed the Israelites for 40 years because of the merit of Miriam. The waters of this well were said to be healing and sustaining. Thus Miriam’s Cup is a symbol of all that sustains us through our own journeys, while Elijah’s Cup is a symbol of a future Messianic time.
This is the Cup of Miriam, the cup of living waters. Let us remember the Exodus from Egypt. These are the living waters, God’s gift to Miriam, which gave new life to Israel as we struggled with ourselves in the wilderness. Blessed are You God, Who brings us from the narrows into the wilderness, sustains us with endless possibilities, and enables us to reach a new place."
Miriam's cup should be passed around the table allowing each participant to pour a little water form their glass into Miriam's cup. This symbolizes the support of notable Jewish women throughout our history which are often not spoken about during our times of remembrance.
This cup is not for Elijah. Elijah knows he is welcome here. We welcome him in our traditional seders, and we sing Eliyahu Hanavi throughout the year. This cup is for the queer Jew who has not yet found this community. They may not know they are queer yet. They may not know that there are out and proud and healthy queer Jews. They may know we exist, but haven’t build up the courage to attend an LGBTQ seder yet. So this cup is for them. Let all who are hungry come and eat, and let our doors always be open for those that need this community.
As we come to the end of the seder, we drink a final glass of wine. With this last cup, we give thanks for the experience of celebrating Passover together, for the traditions that remind us to be grateful for all we have, for celebrating with friends and family and seeking to make the world a better place, where all are free.
בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם
בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן:
Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam,
borei p’ree hagafen.
We praise you, Adonai, our God, Ruler of the universe,
who creates the fruit of the vine.
Drink the fourth and final glass of wine!
Nirtzah נרצה
After all the singing is concluded we rise and recite together the traditional formula, the Seder is concluded .
חֲסַל סִדּוּר פֶּסַח כְּהִלְכָתוֹ, כְּכָל מִשְׁפָּטוֹ וְחֻקָתוֹ. כַּאֲשֶׁר זָכִינוּ לְסַדֵּר אוֹתוֹ. כֵּן נִזְכֶּה לַעֲשׂוֹתוֹ. זָךְ שׁוֹכֵן מְעוֹנָה, קוֹמֵם קְהַל עֲדַת מִי מָנָה. בְּקָרוֹב נַהֵל נִטְעֵי כַנָּה. פְּדוּיִם לְצִיוֹן בְּרִנָּה.
Chasal sidur pesach k'hilchato, k'chol mishpato v'chukato. Ka-asher zachinu l'sadeir oto, kein nizkeh la-asoto. Zach shochein m'onah, komeim k'hal adat mi manah. B'karov naheil nitei chanah, p'duyim l'tzion b'rinah.
The Passover Seder is concluded, according to each traditional detail with all its laws and customs. As we have been privileged to celebrate this Seder, so may we one day celebrate it in Jerusalem. Pure One who dwells in the high places, support your People countless in number. May you soon redeem all your People joyfully in Zion.
At the conclusion of the Seder, everyone joins in singing:
לְשָׁנָה הַבָּאָה בִּירוּשַָׁלָיִם
L'shana Haba'ah b'Y’rushalayim
Next Year in Jerusalem!
The Nirtzah marks the conclusion of the seder. At this time, we normally look forward to the future and offer a hope that “Next year, we will be in Jerusalem.” This year, with the plague of Corona/COVID-19, we might offer an extra prayer. “Next year, not just in Jerusalem, but also in person, together with our loved ones.”
Chapter Fourteen(Finally!)
- The Lord spoke to Jerry, saying, “Speak to the children of Israel, and let them turn back and encamp in front of The West Side Highway, between Canal Street and the Hudson; in front of The entrance to the Holland Tunnel, you shall encamp opposite it, by the Hudson.
- And Newman will say about the children of Israel, ‘They are trapped in the land. TriBeCa has closed in upon them’.
- And I will harden Pharaoh's cardiac arteries, and he will pursue them, and I will be glorified through Pharaoh and through his entire force, and the Manhattanites will know that I am the Lord, Baby!” And they did so.
- It was reported to Newman that the people had fled; and Pharaoh and his servants had a change of heart toward the people, and they said, “What is this that we have done, that we have released Israel from serving us? That was a really stupid thing! Why did we lend them our stuff? They aren’t coming back. They were never going to return our stuff!”
- So Newman harnessed his chariot, and took his people with him.
- He took six hundred select chariots and all the chariots of Egypt, with officers over them all.
- And the Lord hardened the arteries of Pharaoh, the king of Manhattan, and he chased after the children of Israel, and the children of Israel were marching out triumphantly.
- The Manhattanites chased after them and overtook them encamped by the Hudson every horse of Pharaoh's chariots, his horsemen, and his force beside the West Side Highway, in front of The entrance to the Holland Tunnel.
- Pharaoh drew near, and the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and behold! the Manhattanites were advancing after them.
- The Israelites were very frightened. Like really scared, not the fake kind where you say “Oooo, I’m so scared,” just to be sarcastic because you’re not really scared at all. And the children of Israel cried out to the Lord.
- They said to Jerry, “Is it because there are no graves on the Upper West Side that you have taken us to die in TriBeCa?” which is sarcastic and, frankly, rude and ungrateful given the circumstances.
- “What is this that you have done to us to take us out of The Upper West Side? Isn't this the thing about which we spoke to you about uptown, saying, ‘Leave us alone, and we will serve the Manhattanites, because we would rather serve the Manhattanites than die in the desert’?”
- And Jerry, in a very high, nasal pitch, shouted at the people, “YOU NEVER SAID THAT!!! YOU LIARS!” But George reminded Jerry, saying “It’s not a lie if they believe it.”
- And the children of Israel continued their kvetching, saying things like, “Why have you taken us from a country packed with ponies to a non-pony country?” and, ”Here’s to feeling good none of the time!”
- But Jerry composed himself - even though the children of Israel were a BUNCH OF LIARS! – and said, “Don't be afraid! Stand firm and find your Katra. See the Lord's salvation that He will wreak for you today.”
- And the Elders of the people of the children of Israel asked Jerry, “What of this Katra?” And Jerry explained to them, saying “It is your Spirit, your Being. The part of you that says, ‘Yes, I can’!”
- And the Elders of the people of the children of Israel explained to them that Katra, the spirit of the Lord, was with them.
- And Jerry overheard this and he clarified that, no, Katra was not the spirit of The Lord, rather from Star Trek III, The Search for Spock. And the children of Israel protested, and Jerry said, “Yeah, I know, George will tell you Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me – “
- And the children of Israel protested even more angrily, shouting “Khaaaan!!” and began throwing golf clubs at Jerry.
- And Jerry said, “The Lord will fight for you.” And the Lord said to Jerry, “Don’t look at me! I didn’t say anything about fighting…”
- And Jerry said, “But you told me you ‘will be glorified through Pharaoh and through his entire force, and the Manhattanites will know that I am the Lord, Baby!’”
- And God said, “What? Are you using my ‘Baby’s now?”
- And Jerry Said “No, I was just quoting you! ...So why did you tell me to bring them here?! Worlds are colliding! Jerry’s getting upset!”
- And God said, “Look, just raise your Pez and stretch out your hand over the Hudson and split it, and the children of Israel shall come in the midst of the Hudson on dry land. It’s low flow.”
- And Jerry was skeptical saying, “Low flow? I don’t like the sound of that.”
- Then the Angel of God, who had been going in front of the Israelite camp, moved and went behind them, and a pillar of cloud moved away from in front of them and stood behind them.
- And he came between the camp of Manhattan and the camp of Israel, and there were the cloud and the darkness, and it illuminated the night - as though the planets were on fire, like flaming globes - and one did not draw near the other all night long.
- And Jerry stretched out his hand over the Hudson, and the Lord led the Hudson to low flow all night, and He made the Hudson into dry land and the waters split.
- Then the children of Israel came into the midst of the Hudson on dry land, and the waters were to them as a wall from their right and from their left.
- The Manhattanites pursued and came after them, all Newman’s horses, his chariots, and his horsemen, into the midst of the Hudson.
- It came about in the morning watch that the Lord looked down over the Manhattan camp through a pillar of fire and cloud, and He threw the Manhattan camp into confusion.
- He removed the wheels of their chariots, and He led them with heaviness, and the horsemen said only ‘Yo-Yo Ma’.
- And they ran away from the Israelites because the Lord was fighting for them against the Manhattanites, after all.
- Thereupon, the Lord said to Jerry, “Stretch out your hand over the Hudson, and let the water run high flow upon the Manhattanites, upon their chariots, and upon their horsemen”.
- And Jerry said, “I like the sound of that.”
- So Jerry stretched out his hand over the Hudson, and toward morning the Hudson returned to full flow, as the Manhattanites were fleeing toward it, and the Lord stirred the Manhattanites into the Hudson.
- And the waters returned and covered the chariots and the horsemen, the entire force of Newman coming after them into the Hudson; not even one of them survived.
- On that day the Lord saved Israel from the hands of the Manhattanites, and Israel saw the Manhattanites dying on the riverbank.
- And Israel saw the great upper hand, which the Lord had used upon the Manhattanites who had no hand, and the people feared the Lord, and they believed in the Lord and in Jerry His servant, a very, very good man.
Origin Story: Someone I know kept saying "Gal Gadot," the name of the Israeli actress who plays "Wonder W oman" in the DC Movie Universe. The more she said it, the more my brain kept singing her name to "Chad Gadya," the Aramaic song about the one little goat. And so, this parody version was born, celebrating the narrative spirit of the traditional Passover song with all the plot spoilers of the 2017 film, Wonder Woman, starring Gal Gadot.
While this version of the Chad Gadya has no goats - and really, very little relation to the song Chad Gadya - it can provide a pop culture chuckle at the end of a long seder. Or maybe in the middle, depending on how big your four cups of wine are. Enjoy!
- Esther D. Kustanowitz
Gal Gadot (to the tune of Chad Gadya)
Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!
1. Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!
2. Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!
3. Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!
4. She discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!
5. Diana leaves her mom to go to London, she discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!
6. Steve Trevor brought war to Themyscira, Diana leaves her mom to go to London, she discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!
7. David Thewlis is obviously the villain, Steve Trevor brought war to Themyscira, Diana leaves her mom to go to London, she discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!
8. Antiope's her aunt who didn't make it, David Thewlis is obviously the villain, Steve Trevor brought war to Themyscira, Diana leaves her mom to go to London, she discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!
9. Diana's made of clay just like a dreidel, Antiope's her aunt who didn't make it, David Thewlis is obviously the villain, Steve Trevor brought war to Themyscira, Diana leaves her mom to go to London, she discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!
10. Amazons are warriors on an island, Diana's made of clay just like a dreidel, Antiope's her aunt who didn't make it, David Thewlis is obviously the villain, Steve Trevor brought war to Themyscira, Diana leaves her mom to go to London, she discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!
11. Themyscira is a place of power, Amazons are warriors on an island, Diana's made of clay just like a dreidel, Antiope's her aunt who didn't make it, David Thewlis is obviously the villain, Steve Trevor brought war to Themyscira, Diana leaves her mom to go to London, she discovers babies, love and ice cream, Patty Jenkins is a great director, Justice League left a lot to be desired, Wonder Woman was really exciting, Gal Gadoooot, Gal Gadot!!!
