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Uncle Eli's Haggadah -Introduction
Contributed by Julie Bolsom

  • TOP HAGGADAHS FOR 2023

Uncle Eli's Special-for-Kids

Most Fun Ever Under-the-Table Passover Haggadah

Calgary 1995 / 5755

(c) 1986, 1990, 1995 by Eliezer Lorne Segal,

16-310 Brookmere Rd. SW, Calgary Alberta

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A Present from Uncle Eli

The house had gone crazy, all turned upside-down,

with everyone busily running around.

Mommy was screaming "Get out of the way!

You can't keep on lying around here all day!

Tomorrow is Passover. You don't look ready.

We have to remove everything that is bready.

Pack up the old dishes and pull out the new.

Prepare for the seder! There's too much to do!"

I just stuffed up my ears, 'cause I'm that kind of kid.

I didn't much care what the rest of them did.

I thought it was stupid; I felt it was dumb

to get so excited about one or two crumbs

when under my bed, under careful protection,

I keep the world's largest stale bread-crumb collection!

I hate cleaning up. I prefer a good mess.

I'm lazy and mean -- kind of nasty, I guess.

I don't like the seder. It bores me to tears.

I sit making faces and noises and sneers.

I'd rather be out breaking windows with balls,

or digging up flower-beds, or drawing on walls.

Anything! Anywhere!

Rather than be at the Passoverseder with my family.

We mean little kids should be all sent away.

We don't want to celebrate dumb holidays.

Well, those were the thoughts spinning inside my head.

My ears were exploding, my nose had turned red.

I was very upset at my Mom and my Dad

-- disgusted, disgruntled -- in short, I was mad!

When...right there behind me I heard a soft sound.

I perked up my ears and I turned my head 'round.

And right there before me, as plain as could be

was the weirdest old man that you ever will see.

"Weird" did I say? He was weirder than weird!

You hardly could see him because of his beard.

It flowed down his body and covered his feet,

all curly and snaggly, distinctly un-neat.

Aside from that beard-- well, you couldn't see lots,

just two twinkly eyes that peeked out 'tween the knots,

and the hint of a grin that made everything bright

and sometimes turned into a laughing white light.

I stared at this strange little man for a while

as he kept standing there full of laughter and smiles.

The door to the room was still shut up quite tight,

and I didn't know how he had gotten inside.

I finally got up the nerve to speak out:

"You are a strange fellow, without any doubt.

Please tell me who are you? And why are you here?

And why do you look so fantastically queer?"

He lit up his smile and began to reply:

"I'm your old friend, Uncle Eli am I!

And I, Uncle Eli, am just the right one

to make sure that this year you will have lots of fun.

Instead of just sitting there twiddling your hands

while the grown-ups read words that you don't understand,

I've brought you a special Haggadah to read.

It'll keep you in stitches! It's just what you need!

I wrote it for children like you and your friends,

who hardly can wait for the seder to end.

It's just the right thing for a silly young boy--

a Haggadah you'll learn to adore and enjoy."

Then, waving his finger and wiggling his ears,

he stuck his right hand in his tangled white beard

and from somewhere down deep in that jungle of hair

he pulled out a book, which he held in the air.

It's the same fun Haggadah you're reading today.

Don't let your folks see it! They'll take it away.

You might want to hide it where no one can see,

under the table, on top of your knee.

It'll be our own secret. They won't understand

why you cover your mouth with the back of your hand

to stifle the laughs that burst out all the time.

--It's your own special secret, and Eli's...and mine!

---------------------

 Bedikat Hametz

We have to get rid of the Hametz today--

We have to destroy it. We can't let it stay.

We'll punch it and crunch it and bury it deep,

or leave it to rot on Mount Zeepleep-the-Steep.

We'll pump on it, jump on it, grind it to dust.

Erode it, corrode it-- We have to! We must!

We'll feed it to ravenous rampaging rhinos--

or trample it all on our dizzy old dinosaur.

Cut it to pieces, burn it to ash!

Bash it and smash it and dash it to hash.

Then send it by rocket to the Forests of Queet,

where fire-breathing Goo-bahs will turn on the heat.

We'll sink it way down to the floor of the ocean

and finish it off with a mighty explosion.

We have to get rid of the Hametz today--

We have to destroy it. We can't let it stay.
haggadah Section: Introduction
Source: http://www.jewishmag.com/jimmenu/passover.htm

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