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THE FOUR CHILDREN

RABBI REBECCA TRANSITIONS THE GUESTS:

RABBI REBECCA

Enough about my schmutzy hametz life. Let’s move on to The Four Children.

LARRY HAS FAILED TO MAKE SUSIE AND JEFF, AND TED AND CHERYL MISERABLE AGAIN. AND HE’S LOST LEON TO UNMISERABLENESS TOO. HE LOOKS AT HIS OLDEST FRIEND, RICHARD LEWIS. PERHAPS ONE LAST FRIEND TO TRY. LARRY LEANS OVER WHISPERS:

LARRY DAVID

Hey, Richard.

RICHARD LEWIS

What? What do you want?

RICHARD SEEMS DISINCLINED TO TALK TO LARRY, THE PARIAH, BUT LARRY CONTINUES:

LARRY DAVID

Remember when we used to do this as kids? When we were growing up together? I think I had my first drink with you at Passover. Manischewitz.

RICHARD LEWIS

That’s right. I remember that. It was mine, too.

LARRY DAVID

Do you remember what happened next?

RICHARD LEWIS

Not really? We were twelve.

LARRY DAVID

Well, soon after, you became an alcoholic. It messed up your whole life. And later you developed kidney failure from it. And so I gave you one of my kidneys because I thought I found out my Jewish parents adopted me and that I was really a biological Christian, so I lost all of my Jewish neurosis and anxiety and fear about death, but then when I found out I was really still just a Jew and all that neurosis and anxiety and fear of death came back, you still got my kidney even though I didn’t want you to have it anymore.

RICHARD LEWIS

So what? What do you want from me? We’ve been friends for over 15 years since then. I’ve said thank you a million times. You’d rather I’d have died?

LARRY DAVID

Sometimes! I mean. When are you going to die? Would you just, would you please just die? You have more lives than a litter of cats.

RICHARD LEWIS

That hurts, man. Don’t hex, don’t hex my life.

LARRY DAVID

Sorry. The point is: I’m saying all of this happened because of your drinking. Which all started when you were a child, at Passover.

RICHARD LEWIS

So you’re saying what? I’m the Wicked Child? And you’re the Good Child for giving me a kidney? If that makes you feel better, go ahead, think that.

LARRY DAVID

No, old friend. What I think is! What kind of a holiday makes you drink four glasses of wine?! That’s binge drinking! And two nights in a row?! That’s a bender!

LARRY HANDS RICHARD A BOTTLE OF MANISCHEWITZ FROM THE TABLE.

LARRY DAVID

I’m thinking, how many alcoholics, like you, have been created by this holiday, Passover?

RICHARD CONSIDERS THIS, GETS A BIT UPSET.

LARRY DAVID

You know what else I think? I think. Maybe there are no Wicked Children, Richard.

LARRY GESTURES RICHARD TO LOOK AT ALL THE MANISCHEWITZ BOTTLES ON THE TABLE.

LARRY DAVID

Maybe, Richard, there’s just a Wicked Holiday?

RICHARD CONSIDERS THIS, GETS MORE UPSET. RABBI REBECCA OVERHEARD, LAUGHS.

RABBI REBECCA

Mr. David, once again, you’ve stumbled upon a perfect exemplification of a teaching, for The Four Children.

LARRY DAVID

Really?!

RABBI REBECCA

Really.

LARRY DAVID

Not this time.

RABBI REBECCA

Really. You have.

LARRY DAVID

I’ve had it with these examples and these reallys!

THIS TIME LARRY DOES STAND UP FROM THE TABLE AND GIVE RABBI REBECCA HIS TRADEMARK EYE STARE INTERROGATION. RABBI REBECCA, THOUGH, STARES BACK. AND HER STARE IS OF COMPASSION NOT SUSPICION. SHE TEACHES AS SHE STARES COMPASSIONATELY INTO LARRY’S EYES:

RABBI REBECCA

The Wicked Child is perhaps a misnomer, Mr. David. In Kabbalah, it’s more like The Alienated One. When someone criticizes this holiday like you just did and says, “What does all this mean?” to everyone else, rather than to yourself. You are excluding yourself from--

LARRY DAVID

Don’t you see, I want to exclude myself! I don’t want to be part of this! Any of it! Of any thing!

RABBI REBECCA

Right, but don’t you see, you’re excluding yourself not just from this ceremony, or this tradition, or this community, and not even just all other people, but in doing so, occluding the experience of the Divine Spark within you, you’re even estranging yourself from your own Self. You are The Good One, everyone can be, but sometimes we just don’t know it, we don’t feel it, what you might call neurosis.

LARRY REMOVES HIS EYEGLASSES AS HE CONSIDERS HER EXPLANATION.

LARRY DAVID

So what is this Divine Spark you keep going on and on and on about?

LARRY KEEPS HIS TRADEMARK EYE STARE LOCKED ON RABBI REBECCA AND SHE LOOKS COMPASSIONATELY BACK ON HIM.

RABBI REBECCA

That’s what The Naive One asks, Mr. David. And I can tell you now.

LARRY’S EYES SUDDENLY DART AWAY FROM RABBI REBECCA.

LARRY DAVID

No, I take back the question. All the questions. I don’t want to know. I don’t care. I couldn’t care less. I never even really meant to ask you any questions.

RABBI REBECCA, THOUGH, KEEPS HER COMPASSIONATE EYE STARE ON LARRY.

RABBI REBECCA

OK, well, now, Mr. David, you’re The One Who Doesn’t Know How To Ask. And so we tell you as well.

LARRY DAVID

No!

LARRY CLOSES HIS EYES IN ANGER AND ANXIETY AND SHAME AND ALIENATION.

RABBI REBECCA

But that’s what the Magid is, Mr. David. It’s the telling.

RABBI REBECCA REACHES HER FINGERS OUT, GENTLY PLACES THEM ON LARRY’S EYELIDS.

haggadah Section: -- Four Children

Source: from Curb Your Haggadah available in full at: amazon.com/author/davecowen