Ten Commandments for Seder Leaders | Passover haggadah by Noraa Kaplan

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Hello friend. You have a very big task in front of you, and a lot of responsibility for your guests’ experiences. As a seasoned seder leader, I know all too well how much pressure this can be. What's most important now is that you breathe.

I would like to live in a world where there are no seder leaders, where seders are planned completely collectively. I’ve seen it happen and it’s beautiful, if a bit chaotic. But realistically, most seders are going to need someone to guide the chevruta through. So I’m going to give you some advice, in the form of Ten Commandments

I. Thou shalt not play God.

This is something I struggle with—the desire to make everything perfect, to have everything planned to the tenth degree, to always be in control. Unfortunately, it’s just not gonna happen. Seders never go as planned. Even if we could make everything happen exactly the way we want them to, the seder would be no fun for anyone else.

II. Thou shalt read the room.

The most important job you have tonight is to make sure everyone has a meaningful experience and a good time. It’s very important for you to be on the lookout for signs that people are checking out—yawns, looking at phones, and glassy-eyed stares are dead giveaways. It’s not your fault that this is happening—even at the most compelling seder, people inevitably get tired, and people always get a little bored. Try not to judge yourself, it will only make things worse. Observing what’s happening and reacting to it caringly will make the experience good for everyone.

III. Thou shalt engage the tired, the bored, and the lost among you.

Looking for people checking out is only half the battle, you have to also actively engage them. This doesn’t mean ‘wrapping it up’ when people are tired, it means offering people coffee and tea, literally and metaphorically. It means asking questions, switching gears, changing up the choreography of your seder. The best tools you have at your disposal: jokes, discussion, loud obnoxious singing, getting people up out of their chairs and moving, enacted rituals, props, games, riddles, having snacks on the table, caffeine.

Greater than all of them is compassion. Let people leave early if they need to without pressuring them to stay. Move things along if people are bored of a section, even if you think it’s important. Let people chat. Don’t be a boss. Most importantly, ask people what’s going on if they seem upset or lost—privately, if at all possible—and accommodate their needs.

IV. Thou shalt explain things clearly and respectfully.

People will get lost during the seder. It’s important that you answer their questions thoroughly without talking down to them. You might be knowledgeable and passionate about all of this stuff, but not everyone else will share your enthusiasm or experience. Conduct the seder with that in mind, and be sure to make people feel comfortable asking questions.

V. Thou shalt learn from everyone.

Everyone—no matter their Jewish background or experience, no matter where they’re coming from, has something to teach you. Everyone has precious, invaluable insight into this story. The Exodus is their story too, their own lived experience. Listen and learn with eagerness and curiosity, always.

VI. Thou shalt make thy seder accessible.

It’s extremely important that you make sure everyone in your seder space is comfortable and feels safe. That means checking in with people before reading particularly heavy or potentially triggering stuff, keeping snacks on the table, asking people in advance if they have any allergies, providing comfortable and fat-friendly seating, meeting in a place that is wheelchair accessible if at all possible, speaking up if there are hard of hearing people present, and taking everyone’s physical needs into consideration.

VII. Thou shalt co-lead and delegate.

Two heads are better than one. If possible, get a team of people together to lead your seder instead of doing it by yourself. A seder is a lot of work and has many moving parts—leading rituals, accessibility, cooking the food, getting supplies, setting the table, cleaning the house, etc. You will have a better time and be less stressed if you don’t do it alone.

VIII. Thou shalt read the haggadah before leading the seder.

This one’s a no-brainer. Especially with this haggadah, it’s important to see what’s on the menu before you dive in to the main course. Come in with a game plan of texts you want to use (both from this haggadah and any supplements you want to include) but be flexible. If your guests want to share traditions with you, accept their precious gifts.

IX. Thou shalt come prepared.

Ideally, seder prep should happen weeks in advance. It doesn’t always work out that way. If you’re hosting the seder at your house, it’s important to do some private rituals of your own beforehand to get ready, like searching for chametz. Besides figuring out all the logistics beforehand and coming in with a game plan, you need to come to your seder with the right kavanah. Ask yourself, “Why am I choosing to lead this seder? What do I want to get out of this experience?”

X. Thou shalt believe in the work thou doest.

You are about to do so much work. It might not seem like it at first, but when you’re making matzah ball soup, texting your guests, setting the table, and brushing up on your game plan all at the same time two hours before the guests arrive, you will know what I’m talking about.

At times, it might seem hopeless, like your seder is doomed. At times you might doubt whether or not your guests even want to be there. In moments like that, remind yourself why you’re hosting this seder, what Pesach means to you. I know you care about Pesach—every abolitionist Jew does, let’s be real. I need you to believe in the work you’re doing. I need you to believe in miracles. I need you to believe in abolition, if you are to help others believe. And I need you to believe in yourself, if at all possible. I know how hard that is. But I believe in you.

haggadah Section: Introduction

Source: Min Ha-Meitzar: An Abolitionist Haggadah from the Narrow Place by Noraa Kaplan