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Seder and Freedom
Contributed by Ray Sturner

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Seder (order) & Freedom

The Seder prescribes a specific order to tonight’s proceedings. Having to do things a certain way seems the opposite to being free. After all what difference does it really make if you ask the four questions after you eat if you are hungry; or if we drink all the cups of wine before the meal if we are thirsty and the wine in pretty good. And what difference does it make if you wash your hands after you eat instead of before (whoops that one has been settled by science a few years ago and is another matter).

Over the past year I learned something about the relation between order and freedom I would like to share. Last week I saw a four-year old boy for a return visit after I saw him once a month ago.

Office notes from first visit:

“Very stubborn; He may throw things at you on purpose; destructive breaks furniture.

He thinks it is funny when you correct him and then gets violent. Stabbed mother with plastic knife

He doesn't have much fear. Runs out in the snow without clothes.

Violent; tantrums punches kicks and tries to bite triggered by corrections.. thinks it’s funny

Takes 3 hours to fall asleep. Mother sleeps in his bed 1/2 night

He was always hyper. The only time he was calm was when he takes a bath before bedtime. (and that was the only routine of the day).

MGM had strokes last year and is at the end of her rope; (She shares care with the mother and grandfather).”

I provided some advice to the family and I also tried to get him enrolled in a pre-K based on being an out of control kid with a disabled Grandmother and I found some opportunities for doing so.

My office notes from the return visit in one month.

“Family wants to wait until the fall for school. ‘Big change. Doing really good.’ Helps with laundry and picks up. He is learning how to control what he is going through. Every thing in the apt is calmer because he is

He now tells sister "honey and babe" and wants to help her and help his mother.

Routines: After breakfast he picks up the floor and starts vacuuming.

Bedtime is 7:30 reading a book or writing; lays there and passes out at 8:15 PM and stays asleep until 8 AM”.

The advice given was mostly was that the boy has become wild because he cannot deal with the freedom of having to decide how to amuse himself through the day and get the adults to react instead of providing the structure he needs to know how to focus his energy and attention. We developed routines for the day starting with a bedtime ritual that build on the evening bath but included a bedtime story from Mom and a schedule for blocks of time during the day. It was the Order that provided freedom for this family.

Another story on this theme from this past year is about a six month old boy who was feeding on demand at night beyond the time when it is needed. Providing the structure of when to eat and when to not eat resulted in freedom of the parents to get some sleep.

This Seder is oriented to the Reconstructionist point of view –accepting the obligation of every generation to carry forward ideas and traditions but also the responsibility make them meaningful in our time. Accepting the structure and the ideas of the past liberates one to not have to reinvent a culture of ethical thinking. It is humbling to know we are not always moving forward. Loss of the structure of Shabbot may be a cultural regression.
haggadah Section: Introduction

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