Chapters Nine and Ten

  1. Let My people go…yada, yada…a very severe pestilence…yada, yada…livestock (not the noxious kind) died…yada, yada…hardened arteries…yada, yada…
  1. And George asked Jerry, “Haven’t we had this conversation before?” and Jerry pondered, “You think?” And George became more confident, “I think we have.” And Jerry shrugged, “Yeah, maybe we have.”
  1. The Lord said to Jerry and to George, "Take yourselves handfuls of Junior Mints - or, if you’re out of Junior Mints, maybe Jujyfruits, either will work - and Jerry shall cast them heavenward before Pharaoh's eyes.
  1. And the Junior Mints/Jujyfruits will come down upon the entire land of Manhattan, and the candy will carry fungus [fungus?!] breaking out into white discolorations upon man and upon beast throughout the entire land of Manhattan."
  1. So they took the Junior Mints, but did not partake of the Jujyfruits, and they stood before Newman, and Jerry cast them heavenward, and they became fungus [fungus?!]  breaking out into white discolorations upon man and upon beast.
  1. And the necromancers dealt in fungus. They were knee-deep in fungus. These guys knew fungus. But the necromancers could not stand before Jerry because of the fungi, for the fungi were upon the necromancers and upon all Manhattan. And the necromancers called Dr. Bison, but he said was booked solid, even when he was told it was for Pharaoh.
  1. And - no cliff-hanger here - the Lord strengthened Pharaoh's heart (he Nautilus-ed, of course), and he did not hearken to them, as the Lord told Jerry.
  1. This back-and-forth went on for quite a long time. And the descriptions of each plague were remarkably similar. So much so that opportunities to inject satirical bits into the text became increasingly difficult.
  1. For instance, next came hail. So something about the hail being as big as Titleist golf balls. Not great.
  1. Then you got your locusts, which really are supposed to be in the next chapter but people are getting hungry. And what is your scribe supposed to do with locusts?
  1. But there was one difference. The Manhattanites were angry that day, my friends, like old men trying to return soup at a deli. They said to Newman, “Let the people go and they will worship their God. Don't you yet know that Manhattan is lost, you stubborn, stupid, silly man?"
  1. But Newman’s arterial sclerosis was too far gone and he kept lying because he was a liar. And so the locusts came. Then the darkness.
  1. And Newman summoned Jerry and said, “Hear me and hear me well - The day will come. Oh yes, mark my words - your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little playworld, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down”.
  1. And Jerry clenched his teeth and loudly whispered, “Newman!”

haggadah Section: Tzafun