Chapter 7

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Chapter Seven

The Lord said to Jerry, “You shall speak all that I command you,” but because of the no hearken concern, Jerry did challenge George to choose him for it. And Jerry was odds. And George was evens. And on the fourth and final choose, Jerry shot a two and George shot a one. And Jerry was victorious. And he chose not to talk to Newman. And God said, “Fine. Whatever. Will one of you just speak to Newman, that he let the children of Israel out of his land?!”

But I will harden Newman’s cardiac arteries, and I will increase My signs and My wonders in the land of Manhattan.

And Jerry said, “Let me get this straight. You want us to ask Newman to free the children of Israel. Then, you will make him NOT free the children of Israel. And Then you’ll use your signs and wonders so he WILL free the children of Israel… Yeah, that’s normal.”

God, wanting to be really, really clear about this, repeated himself, yet again, “Newman will not hearken to you, and I will lay My hand upon the Manhattanites, and I will take My legions, My people, the children of Israel, out of Manhattan with great judgments.”

And despite the sarcasm, Jerry and George did as the Lord commanded them. And George confessed to Jerry saying, “I don't think I've ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.”

And Jerry was eighty years old, and George was eighty-three years old when they spoke to Newman.

The Lord spoke to Jerry and George, saying, "When Newman speaks to you, saying, 'Provide a sign for yourselves,' do the Pez/snake thing.

Thereupon, Jerry and George came to Newman, and they did so, as the Lord had commanded, the Pez/snake thing.

Then, Newman too summoned the wise men and the magicians, and the necromancers of Manhattan and they too had Pez dispensers (though no Tweety Birds).

Each one of them cast down his Pez, and they became serpents; but the Tweety Bird Pez serpents swallowed their Pez serpents.

But Newman’s heart remained steadfast, and he did not hearken to them, as the Lord had spoken. No heark.

The Lord said to Jerry, "Newman’s heart is heavy – OK, all of Newman is heavy – he has refused to let the people out. And Jerry said, “Yeah. We know. You told us that was going to happen. Can we move along in the story please?”

And God strongly suggested, “Go to Newman in the morning; behold, he is going forth to the water, and you shall stand opposite him on the bank of the Hudson.” And Jerry protested saying, “Let's all just have a big pee party. Hey everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's. It's a pee party”.

God pretended not to hear that and went on, “You shall say to him, 'The Lord God of the Hebrews, Art Vandelay, sent me to you, saying, "Send forth My people, so that they may serve Me in the desert," but behold, until now, you have not hearkened.” And George leaned into Jerry and whispered, “Again with the hearken.”

And so God told Jerry to tell George to tell Newman that God told Jerry to tell Newman, "With this you will know that I am the Lord." Behold, I will smite with the Pez that is in my hand upon the water that is in the Hudson, and it will turn to blood.

And the fish that are in the Hudson will die, and the Hudson will become putrid, and the Manhattanites will weary in their efforts to drink water from the Hudson.” Whereupon George said, “I hate to break it to you, Lord, but the fish in the Hudson are already dead, and the Manhattanites aren’t exactly falling all over each other to drink the water.”

The Lord said to Jerry, "Tell George, 'Take your Pez and stretch forth your hand over the waters of Manhattan, over their rivers, over their indoor pools, over their outdoor pools, over their baths and bidets, and over all their bodies of water, and they will become blood, and there will be blood throughout the entire land of Manhattan. It’s all pipes.” But Jerry had taken off the first time he heard God say the word ‘Blood’.

George did as the Lord had commanded, and he raised the Pez and struck the water that was in the Hudson before the eyes of Newman and before the eyes of all the postmen, and all the water that was in the Hudson turned to blood.

And the fish that were in the Hudson remained dead, and the Hudson remained putrid; the Manhattanites could not drink water, but only of Hennigan’s.

And the necromancers of Manhattan did likewise with their secret rites and one even did dove tricks, and Newman’s heart was steadfast, and he did not heed them, as the Lord had spoken. So really, what was the point?

haggadah Section: Koreich