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Chapter 3
Contributed by Ian Gold

  • TOP HAGGADAHS FOR 2023

Chapter 3

  1. Jerry was pasturing the roosters and the hens and the chickens of Frank, his father-in-law, the chief of Queens, and he led the poultry to the free pastureland, and he came to the mountain of God, just a couple of blocks up from Famous Original Ray’s Pizza off of Rockaway beach.
  1. An angel of the Lord appeared to him in a flame of fire from within the thorn bush, and behold, the bush was burning like a urinating man with gonorrhea. But unlike a ’47 cabin, the bush was not burned.
  1. So Jerry said, “Let me now see this great spectacle, why does the bush not burn. This should be fun.”
  1. The Lord saw that Jerry had turned to see, and God – a bit of a burning-bush talker - called to him from within the bush, and He said, "Jerry! Hello!!" And Jerry said, "Here I am! What are you doing? You can’t have angles shoving themselves into 600 degree bushes!” And God said, “It’s all supervised.”

5    And God said, "Do not draw near here. Take your shoes off your feet, because the place upon which you stand is holy soil." But Jerry refused, saying “Between you and me, God, I think I’ve got a foot odor problem.” But God insisted, speaking in a tongue unfamiliar to Jerry and said, “Eno Enoa Juang.”

  1. And Jerry said, “Oh Lord, I do not understand.” And God replied, “It’s Korean. It means ‘This guy…this is not my kind of guy’.” But Jerry protested saying “No, God, I am your kind of guy, though between you and me I think I think you are placing a lot of importance on shoe removal”.
  1. Jerry was ashamed in the eyes of God and removed his shoes, though he muttered “You don’t have to make a federal case out of it,” as if God didn’t have super-human hearing. But God let it slide.
  1. And He said, "I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob." And Moses hid his face because he was afraid to look toward God. But he felt a poke and he took a peak.
  1. And the Lord said, "I have surely seen the affliction of My people who are in Manhattan, and I have heard their cries because of their slave drivers and the difficulty finding a decent parking spot and the ridiculously high rents, for I know their pains.
  1. I have descended to rescue them from the hands of the oppressive Manhattanites and to bring them up from that land, to a good and spacious land, to a land flowing with milk and honey.
  1.  To the place of the Miami-ites and the Lauderdalians; the West Palm Beachniks and the Bal Harborians; the Sarasota-ites and the Tampa-Saint Pederasts. And the Moops.
  1. And My people the children of Israel will be Masters of their Domain.
  1. So now come and take My people…please - That Henny Youngman cracks me up. Is he still alive? - No, seriously. Take My people out of Manhattan."
  1. But Jerry said to God, "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh Newman, and that I should take the children of Israel out of Manhattan?" And God replied “Ted Danson wasn’t available.”
  1. Jerry said to God, "Behold I shall come to the children of Israel, and I shall say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you’, and they shall say to me, 'What is His name?' What shall I say to them?"
  1. God said to Moses, “Tell them to call me ‘I Will Be What I Will Be’." And Jerry smirked and said “Yeah, that’ll go over really well.” And God said “What? No good?!” And Jerry questioned God saying, “I Will Be What I Will Be?! What does that even mean?” And God challenged Jerry saying, “What? And you could do better? And Jerry sniggered saying, “Well I think I can do better than that.”
  1. And God grew annoyed and said “Fine. Call me whatever the hell you want. Just go, already!“ And Jerry said, “How about Art Cor…velay?” And God said, “Get the hell outta here!” And Jerry countered, saying, “Vandelay?” And God heard that it was good, well not good but adequate, and he said, “Giddyup!”
  1. And Jerry turned, but God cried after him, “And don’t forget the part about ‘surely remembering them and what is being done to them’ -“ And Jerry cut him off saying, “Yeah, I got it. You remembered.” But God continued, “and tell them ‘I will bring you up out of the affliction of the’-“ And Jerry grew irritated, saying “Yeah. Milk. Honey. I got it!”
  1. But The Lord God of the Hebrews would not Yada Yada. He went on, “And they will hearken to your voice, and you shall come, you and the elders of Israel, to Newman, and you shall say to him, 'The Lord God of the Hebrews, Art Vandelay, has happened upon us, and now, let us go for a three days' journey in the desert and offer up sacrifices to the Lord, our God’.”
  1. Jerry was unimpressed. “The desert? Three days?” And God said, “It’s a dry heat. You can clean house a little bit,” signifying not a scratch of the nose, but a pick therein.
  1. And Jerry took the opportunity to remark on God’s habit of referring to himself in the third person saying, “You know, I’ve never heard anyone talk the way you do. It’s very unusual.” And The Lord said, “Well, God is very unusual.”
  1. And God got back to the business at hand saying, “However, I know that Newman will not permit you to go, except through a mighty hand.
  1. And I will stretch forth My hand and smite the Manhattanites with all My miracles that I will wreak in their midst, and afterwards he will send you out”.
  1. And Jerry said, “Smite? Don’t you think that’s coming on a little too strong? Isn’t that like a turn-off?” And God did roll his eyes and say, “Jerry. He’s a GUY.”

 

  1. And God said, “And it will come to pass that when you go, you will not go empty handed. Each woman shall “borrow” from her neighbor, silver and gold objects and you shall empty out Manhattan. Gold, Jerry! Gold!”
haggadah Section: -- Ten Plagues

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