Chapter 2

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Chapter Two

The woman conceived and bore a son, and when she saw him that he was good – how could anyone not like him? – she hid him for three months.

When she could no longer hide him, she placed him in a men’s carryall made of reeds – it was European – and put it onto the banks of the Hudson around 86^th street.

His sister, Suzie[1], stood across the street in the Brentano’s to know what would be done to him.

Pharaoh’s daughter Sue Ellen Mischke Davola, who had great shiksappeal and wore only a sheath bodice as a top, went down to the Hudson to bathe, and her maidens were walking along the Hudson, and she saw the European carryall, and sent her BM (Beautiful Maidservant), and she took it.

She opened it, and she saw him the child, and behold, he was a weeping lad – salty discharge poured from his eyes – and she had compassion on him, and she said, “This is one of the children of the Hebrews.”

Suzie crossed over from the Brentano’s and said to Sue Ellen Mischke Davola, “Shall I go and call for you a wet nurse from the Hebrew women, so that she shall nurse the child for you?”

And Sue Ellen Mischke Davola said to her, “Go! Get the hell outta here!” so the girl went and called Mrs. Seinfeld. While she waited for Suzie to return Sue Ellen asked of her BM, “You know about wet nursing and all? They have different sizes…”

And though the BM assured Sue Ellen that she was familiar with the various sizes as she herself had breasts, Sue Ellen enumerated them saying, “You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest”. And the maidens were very uncomfortable.

As they waited longer, Sue Ellen commented on the daughter of Israel’s sloth saying, “How long does it take to find a Hebrew wet nurse? You ask me to get a sheath bodice, I’m back in two seconds.”

Suzie returned with Mrs. Seinfeld and Pharaoh’s daughter said to her, “Take this child and nurse him for me, and I will give you your wages.” So the woman took the child and nursed him but refused the wages even though she was on a very fixed income.

Pharaoh’s daughter said, “Here. If anybody asks you where you got it, you don't know”. The Hebrew woman again refused saying, “No, that's ok, I really don't need any money.” Pharaoh’s daughter did not understand, “What are you talking about? I want to -” But the Hebrew-ite would not allow her to finish, saying, “It’s not necessary.” “Daughter of Israel, would you just please take it.” “I can’t. I can’t take it”, said the child’s mother. “I want you to have it.” “I don’t want to have it.” “Take the money!” “I don’t want it!”. And The maidens were very uncomfortable.

The child grew up, and his mother brought him to Pharaoh’s daughter Sue Ellen Mischke Davola, and he became like her son. For the purposes of this story, she named him JERry, and she said, “For I might as well have picked him up at the JERk store.”

Now it came to pass that in those days that Jerry grew up and went out to his brothers and looked at their burdens and he said, “That’s a shame.” But he saw a Manhattanite man striking a Hebrew man of his brothers.

He turned this way and that way, really hoping someone else would deal with the situation, and he saw that there was no man; “That’s fantastic,” he said, as though he were speaking to no man, only to himself, in a kind of sarcastic tone, as though he would rather not get involved at all if he could avoid it. But he could not avoid it. So he struck the Manhattanite to the ground.

The Manhattanite did then look up at Jerry and beseeched of him, “I'll be lying here on the street in this neighborhood and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh! What's the point?” Jerry struck the Manhattanite a second time and concealed him in the trunk of his Saab chariot.

He went out on the second day, and behold, two Hebrew men were quarreling, and he said to the one called Bob Sacamano, “Why are you going to strike your friend, Lomez?”

And he retorted, “Who made you a man, a prince, and a judge over us? Do you plan to slay me as you have slain the Manhattanite? Jerry, knowing full well that he was not a man, became frightened and said, “Indeed, the matter has become known!”

Crazy Joe Davola heard of this incident, and he sought to slay Jerry; so Jerry fled from Crazy Joe. He stayed in the land of Queens, and he sat down at a diner.

Now the chief of Queens, Frank Costanza, had seven daughters. And they came and drew prune juice for their father, and they filled their troughs to water his hens, and his chickens and his roosters.”

But this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible drove them away; so Jerry arose and rescued them and watered their roosters, and their chickens and their hens.

They came to their father Frank, and he said, “Why have you returned so quickly today?”

And they replied, “A Manhattanite man rescued us from the hands of a pack of wild teenagers in a convertible, and he also drew water for us and watered the hens, and the chickens and the roosters.”

Mr. Costanza said to his daughters, “So, where is he? Why have you left the man? DE-LIV-ER HIM TO ME. You think you can handle that? Invite him, and let him eat of marble rye”.

And six of the daughters searched for Jerry in the fields and in the diners. And Frank grew impatient and remarked to his eldest daughter, Elaine, “You ask me to get a man’s girdle[2], I’m back in two seconds.”

The daughters returned with Jerry who consented to stay with Mr. Costanza, and Frank gave his eldest daughter Elaine to Jerry.

She bore a son, and Jerry named him Golden Boy, for he said, “I have a t-shirt I also call Golden Boy, and it’s my best one.”

Now it came to pass in those many days that the king of Manhattan, Crazy Joe Davola, died, and the children of Israel sighed from the labor, and they cried out “Oh hey! If you happen to see, the most beautiful girl, who walked out on me…tell her I’m sorry…tell her I need my baby, Oh…” And their cry ascended to God from the labor.