The Torah speaks of four children: The Wise, The Wicked, The One So Simple He Gets Health Updates From Fox News and The One So Clueless She Still Can’t Use Zoom.

What does the wise child say?

“What are these statutes, judgments and states of emergency that our government has commanded?”

To this child you will say: “It is because of COVID-19; that’s also why this year’s  afikoman  prize is a roll of toilet paper.”

What does the wicked child say?

“Why do you sheepishly follow shelter-in-place orders?”

This child says “You” and not “We” or even “Us or “Our.” Since she excludes herself from the Jewish people, respond: “Yes, I do this because of what the Lord did for ME in Egypt. If you had been there, you would not have been tested!”

What does the simple child say?

“But Laura Ingraham and Sean Hannity said….”

Interrupt this child, blunt his teeth and remind him: “Tonight we celebrate that the Lord took us from Egypt with a washed hand and an outstretched arm, except when catching a sneeze per CDC sneeze guidelines. Blessed be the Holy Ones, who gave us cough guidelines, too.”

What do you say to the child who is clueless?

To this child say: “Tonight we celebrate our release from captivity. But in accordance with Scripture, we will keep social distance and wear face masks.”


haggadah Section: -- Four Children