• In every generation, we must see ourselves as if we personally were liberated from Egypt. We gather tonight to tell the ancient story of a people's liberation from Egyptian slavery. This is the story of our origins as a people. It is from these events that we gain our ethics, our vision of history, our dreams for the future. We gather tonight, as two hundred generations of Jewish families have before us, to retell the timeless tale.
• Yet our tradition requires that on Seder night, we do more than just tell the story. We must live the story. Tonight, we will re-experience the liberation from Egypt. We will remember how our family suffered as slaves; we will feel the exhilaration of redemption. We must re-taste the bitterness of slavery and must rejoice over our newfound freedom. We annually return to Egypt in order to be freed. We remember slavery in order to deepen our commitment to end all suffering; we recreate our liberation in order to reinforce our commitment to universal freedom.

The word Haggadah means the Telling. On many other festivals we are commanded to listen. We must hear the Megillah on Purim, we must hear the Shofar on Rosh Hashana. But on Pesach we are commanded to speak. We must speak of our past, we must tell our own stories, we must seek out our voice. This Seder Nashim is about giving voice to our experiences. Tonight we embrace our rich heritage as Jewish Women, create new rituals and establish safe and supportive space for one another.

Introduce yourself by sharing your name according to your maternal line.

(“Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda”)

Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda, Here we are with the Haggadah.

All the family and their spouses, Have come to eat matzoh at our houses.

It is Pesach and we join hands, Now that Jews are in the Promised Land,

God told Moses, to leave Egypt,

And now we are here together to rejoice it. The Haggadah has been read,

Oh Mudda, Fadda, Now can we be fed?

Oh Mudda, Fadda. The Seder is almost complete.

And now I want more wine and food…. I WANT TO EAT!!

Bring gefilte fish and the matzoh, And please hurry – please don’t potchka.

We are hungry – it is later,

We are happy we are together for the Seder.  

To help us remember the story of the first Passover, we have assembled various symbolic foods on a Seder plate. There's egg and spam; shankbone and spam; greens and spam, bitter herbs and spam, charoses and spam, and spam, and spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam matzoh and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam... Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! 

But I can't eat spam, it's not kosher! 

In the early 1980s, the Hillel Foundation invited me to speak on a panel at Oberlin College. While on campus, I came across a Haggadah that had been written by some Oberlin students to express feminist concerns. One ritual they devised was placing a crust of bread on the Seder plate, as a sign of solidarity with Jewish lesbians, a statement of defiance against a rebbetzin’s pronouncement that, “There’s as much room for a lesbian in Judaism as there is for a crust of bread on the seder plate.”

At the next Passover, I placed an orange on our family's Seder plate. During the first part of the Seder, I asked everyone to take a segment of the orange, make the blessing over fruit, and eat it as a gesture of solidarity with Jewish lesbians and gay men, and others who are marginalized within the Jewish community.

Bread on the Seder plate brings an end to Pesach-- it renders everything chametz. And it suggests that being lesbian is being transgressive, violating Judaism. I felt that an orange was suggestive of something else: the fruitfulness for all Jews when lesbians and gay men are contributing and active members of Jewish life. In addition, each orange segment had a few seeds that had to be spit out--a gesture of spitting out, repudiating the homophobia of Judaism.

When lecturing, I often mentioned my custom as one of many new feminist rituals that have been developed in the last twenty years. Somehow, though, the typical patriarchal maneuver occurred:

My idea of an orange and my intention of affirming lesbians and gay men were transformed. Now the story circulates that a man said to me that a woman belongs on the bimah as an orange on the Seder plate. A woman's words are attributed to a man, and the affirmation of lesbians and gay men is simply erased.

Isn't that precisely what's happened over the centuries to women's ideas? And isn’t this precisely the erasure of their existence that gay and lesbian Jews continue to endure, to this day?

- Excerpted from an Email from Professor Susannah Heschel

All Jewish celebrations, from holidays to weddings, include wine as a symbol of our joy – not to mention a practical way to increase that joy. The seder starts with wine and then gives us three more opportunities to refill our cup and drink.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, borei p’ree hagafen.

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who creates the fruit of the vine.

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who chose us from all peoples and languages, and sanctified us with commandments, and lovingly gave to us special times for happiness, holidays and this time of celebrating the Holiday of Matzah, the time of liberation, reading our sacred stories, and remembering the Exodus from Egypt. For you chose us and sanctified us among all peoples. And you have given us joyful holidays. We praise God, who sanctifies the people of Israel and the holidays.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם
 שֶׁהֶחֱיָנוּ וְקִיְּמָנוּ וְהִגִּיעָנוּ לַזְּמַן הַזֶּה

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam,
she-hechiyanu v’key’manu v’higiyanu lazman hazeh.

We praise God, Ruler of Everything,
who has kept us alive, raised us up, and brought us to this happy moment.

Drink the first glass of wine!

Water is refreshing, cleansing, and clear, so it’s easy to understand why so many cultures and religions use water for symbolic purification. We will wash our hands twice during our seder: now, with no blessing, to get us ready for the rituals to come; and then again later, we’ll wash again with a blessing, preparing us for the meal, which Judaism thinks of as a ritual in itself. (The Jewish obsession with food is older than you thought!)

To wash your hands, you don’t need soap, but you do need a cup to pour water over your hands. Pour water on each of your hands three times, alternating between your hands. If the people around your table don’t want to get up to walk all the way over to the sink, you could pass a pitcher and a bowl around so everyone can wash at their seats… just be careful not to spill!

Too often during our daily lives we don’t stop and take the moment to prepare for whatever it is we’re about to do.

Let's pause to consider what we hope to get out of our evening together tonight. Go around the table and share one hope or expectation you have for tonight's seder.

Passover, like many of our holidays, combines the celebration of an event from our Jewish memory with a recognition of the cycles of nature. As we remember the liberation from Egypt, we also recognize the stirrings of spring and rebirth happening in the world around us. The symbols on our table bring together elements of both kinds of celebration.

We now take a vegetable, representing our joy at the dawning of spring after our long, cold winter. Most families use a green vegetable, such as parsley or celery, but some families from Eastern Europe have a tradition of using a boiled potato since greens were hard to come by at Passover time. Whatever symbol of spring and sustenance we’re using, we now dip it into salt water, a symbol of the tears our ancestors shed as slaves. Before we eat it, we recite a short blessing:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הָאֲדָמָה

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, borei p’ree ha-adama.

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who creates the fruits of the earth.

We look forward to spring and the reawakening of flowers and greenery. They haven’t been lost, just buried beneath the snow, getting ready for reappearance just when we most needed them.

-

We all have aspects of ourselves that sometimes get buried under the stresses of our busy lives. What has this winter taught us? What elements of our own lives do we hope to revive this spring?

There are three pieces of matzah stacked on the table. We now break the middle matzah into two pieces. The host should wrap up the larger of the pieces and, at some point between now and the end of dinner, hide it. This piece is called the afikomen, literally “dessert” in Greek. After dinner, the guests will have to hunt for the afikomen in order to wrap up the meal… and win a prize.

We eat matzah in memory of the quick flight of our ancestors from Egypt. As slaves, they had faced many false starts before finally being let go. So when the word of their freedom came, they took whatever dough they had and ran with it before it had the chance to rise, leaving it looking something like matzah.

Uncover and hold up the three pieces of matzah and say:

This is the bread of poverty which our ancestors ate in the land of Egypt. All who are hungry, come and eat; all who are needy, come and celebrate Passover with us. This year we are here; next year we will be in Israel. This year we are slaves; next year we will be free.

These days, matzah is a special food and we look forward to eating it on Passover. Imagine eating only matzah, or being one of the countless people around the world who don’t have enough to eat.

What does the symbol of matzah say to us about oppression in the world, both people literally enslaved and the many ways in which each of us is held down by forces beyond our control? How does this resonate with events happening now?

Here is an idea for linking our springtime Seder to the Arab Spring, in the hope that the miracle of Tahrir Square will achieve a lasting liberation and democracy for modern Egypt, and will help spread peace and freedom throughout the world.  This variant on Ha Lachma Anya can be recited while lifting up the matzah. 

Rabbi Gilah Langner

Ha lachma anya  / This poor bread

di achalu avhatana / that our ancestors ate

b’ar’a di Mitzrayim / in the land of Egypt

Is a symbol of both oppression and freedom --

from the Pharoahs of old

and the tyrants of today.

Let all who are hungry for freedom achieve a true and lasting liberation.

Let all who are in need be provided for.

This year, freedom is on the march. 

Next year, may its blessings spread across the globe. 

Pour the second glass of wine for everyone.

The Haggadah doesn’t tell the story of Passover in a linear fashion. We don’t hear of Moses being found by the daughter of Pharaoh – actually, we don’t hear much of Moses at all. Instead, we get an impressionistic collection of songs, images, and stories of both the Exodus from Egypt and from Passover celebrations through the centuries. Some say that minimizing the role of Moses keeps us focused on the miracles God performed for us. Others insist that we keep the focus on the role that every member of the community has in bringing about positive change.

The formal telling of the story of Passover is framed as a discussion with lots of questions and answers. The tradition that the youngest person asks the questions reflects the centrality of involving everyone in the seder. The rabbis who created the set format for the seder gave us the Four Questions to help break the ice in case no one had their own questions. Asking questions is a core tradition in Jewish life. If everyone at your seder is around the same age, perhaps the person with the least seder experience can ask them – or everyone can sing them all together.

מַה נִּשְׁתַּנָּה הַלַּֽיְלָה הַזֶּה מִכָּל הַלֵּילות

Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol haleilot?

Why is this night different from all other nights?

שֶׁבְּכָל הַלֵּילוֹת אָֽנוּ אוֹכלין חָמֵץ וּמַצָּה  הַלַּֽיְלָה הַזֶּה כֻּלּוֹ מצה  

Shebichol haleilot anu ochlin chameitz u-matzah. Halaila hazeh kulo matzah.

On all other nights we eat both leavened bread and matzah.
Tonight we only eat matzah.

שֶׁבְּכָל הַלֵּילוֹת אָֽנוּ אוֹכְלִין שְׁאָר יְרָקוֹת הַלַּֽיְלָה הַזֶּה מָרוֹר

Shebichol haleilot anu ochlin shi’ar yirakot haleila hazeh maror.

On all other nights we eat all kinds of vegetables,
but tonight we eat bitter herbs.

שֶׁבְּכָל הַלֵּילוֹת אֵין אָֽנוּ מַטְבִּילִין אֲפִילוּ פַּֽעַם אחָת  הַלַּֽיְלָה הַזֶּה שְׁתֵּי פְעמים

Shebichol haleilot ain anu matbilin afilu pa-am echat. Halaila hazeh shtei fi-amim.

On all other nights we aren’t expected to dip our vegetables one time.
Tonight we do it twice.

שֶׁבְּכָל הַלֵּילוֹת אָֽנוּ אוֹכְלִין בֵּין יוֹשְׁבִין וּבֵין מְסֻבִּין.  :הַלַּֽיְלָה הַזֶּה כֻּלָּֽנוּ מְסֻבין

Shebichol haleilot anu ochlin bein yoshvin uvein m’subin. Halaila hazeh kulanu m’subin.

On all other nights we eat either sitting normally or reclining.
Tonight we recline.

 THE CUSTOM of having the youngest child recite the “four questions” has its origin in Rabbinic sources from Second Temple times. However the Mishna in describing the ancient seder service shakes up our usual assumptions

     They fill a second cup of wine for him (the leader of the Seder) – and here the child (the inquisitive child) asks his father. If the child lacks intelligence (“daat”), his father teaches him: “How different this night is from all other nights! For on all other nights we eat leavened bread and matza, etc..."(Pesachim 10:4).
With that in mind, I have formulated some of my own relevant questions about being Jewish in the 21^st century for Pesach 5771 

Pesach Seder Questions 5771

Why are there so many versions of the Haggadah?

Why do we go through the motions of this ritual year after year, even though many of us doubt God’s existence?

If you had to spend one shabbat with a representative of an ideology that you disagree with, who would you choose?

If you were given a million dollars to promote freedom which you had to spend it in one week, what would be your plan?

If you could only choose one option, would you rather Israel be a Jewish or democratic state?

Would people be more generous to each other with or without religion?

The most repeated expression in the Torah is "you shall not oppress a stranger, for you know the feelings of the stranger, having been strangers in the land of Egypt (Exodus 23:9)". Why do you think we need to reminded so many times?

If Judaism was one of the largest religions in the world as opposed to one of the smallest, would there be less antisemitism?

Yalkut shimon teaches us that the Jews were redeemed from Egypt because of four things. That they did not change their names, language, reveal their secrets(about taking Egyptian wealth), or stop circumcising their children. Of these four items, what is most important to maintaining Jewish identity today?

At the end of the haggdah we ask God to “Pour out your wrath on the nations who not know you…. Pursue them in fury and destroy them beneath Adonai’s sky.” Is this the best way for God to respond to his enemies?

If helping others didn’t make us feel good about ourselves, would we still be generous with our time and money?

If you had to choose between significantly simplifying the way you live by reducing the number of resources you use, or living in a world with more frequent environmental calamities, which would you choose?

In other words, would you prefer being a slave to economic growth or to environmentalism? 

How would you answer these contemporary four children:

Activist Child- “The Torah tells me, ‘Justice, justice shall you pursue,’ but how can

I pursue justice?

Skeptical Child - How can I solve problems of such enormity?”

Indifferent Child- Why is it my responsibility to care?

Uninformed Child – I don’t have any question to ask.

When spilling 10 drops of wine from your glass, which of the 21^st century plagues do you want to help try to eradicate? And ask yourself were all 10 plagues needed?  

Why did God harden Pharaoh’s heart?

If you were to draw the four children in 2011, how would you illustrate each one?

בכל דור ודור חייב אדם לראות את עצמו כאילו הוא יצא ממצרים

Consider these 4 quotes and these 4 questions. Discuss either or both.

Quotes:

1) “Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” - Barack Obama

2) “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” - Franklin D. Roosevelt

3) “Were people not in possession of courage, foresight and trust, which are the general conditions of faith, there would be no activity.” - Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel

4) “A small group of thoughtful people could change the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” - Margaret Mead

Questions:

1) How is this economic crisis different from all other economic crises?

2) How will you contribute to the parting of this new Red Sea?

3) Who are the modern-day Israelites? Who are the Egyptians?

4) To truly make change in the world you must live it. What can you do today to make real change?

(Special thanks to Rabbi Lisa Edwards and IKAR for helping to create this.)

http://www.jmcbrooklyn.org/downloads/JMCPassoverInsert2011.pdf

As all good term papers do, we start with the main idea:

ּעֲבָדִים הָיִינוּ הָיִינו. עַתָּה בְּנֵי חוֹרִין  

Avadim hayinu hayinu. Ata b’nei chorin.

We were slaves to Pharaoh in Egypt. Now we are free.

We were slaves to Pharaoh in Egypt, and God took us from there with a strong hand and outstretched arm. Had God not brought our ancestors out of Egypt, then even today we and our children and our grandchildren would still be slaves. Even if we were all wise, knowledgeable scholars and Torah experts, we would still be obligated to tell the story of the exodus from Egypt.

As we tell the story, we think about it from all angles. Our tradition speaks of four different types of children who might react differently to the Passover seder. It is our job to make our story accessible to all the members of our community, so we think about how we might best reach each type of child:

What does the wise child say?

The wise child asks, What are the testimonies and laws which God commanded you?

You must teach this child the rules of observing the holiday of Passover.

What does the wicked child say?

The wicked child asks, What does this service mean to you?

To you and not to himself! Because he takes himself out of the community and misses the point, set this child’s teeth on edge and say to him: “It is because of what God did for me in taking me out of Egypt.” Me, not him. Had that child been there, he would have been left behind.

What does the simple child say?

The simple child asks, What is this?

To this child, answer plainly: “With a strong hand God took us out of Egypt, where we were slaves.”

What about the child who doesn’t know how to ask a question?

Help this child ask.

Start telling the story:

“It is because of what God did for me in taking me out of Egypt.”

-

Do you see yourself in any of these children? At times we all approach different situations like each of these children. How do we relate to each of them?

It is a tradition at the Seder to include a section entitled “the Four Children.” We have turned it upside down, to remind us that as adults we have a lot to learn from youth. From the U.S. to South Africa to Palestine, young people have been, and are, at the forefront of most of the social justice movements on this planet. If there is a mix of ages of people at your seder, perhaps some of the older people would like to practice asking questions, and the younger folks would like to respond:

The Angry Adult – Violent and oppressive things are happening to me, the people I love and people I don’t even know. Why can’t we make the people in power hurt the way we are all hurting? Hatred and violence can never overcome hatred and violence. Only love and compassion can transform our world.

Cambodian Buddhist monk Maha Ghosananda, whose family was killed by the Khmer Rouge, has written: It is a law of the universe that retaliation, hatred, and revenge only continue the cycle and never stop it. Reconciliation does not mean that we surrender rights and conditions, but means rather that we use love in all our negotiations. It means that we see ourselves in the opponent -- for what is the opponent but a being in ignorance, and we ourselves are also ignorant of many things. Therefore, only loving kindness and right-mindfulness can free us.

The Ashamed Adult – I’m so ashamed of what my people are doing that I have no way of dealing with it?!? We must acknowledge our feelings of guilt, shame and disappointment, while ultimately using the fire of injustice to fuel us in working for change. We must also remember the amazing people in all cultures, who are working to dismantle oppression together everyday.

Marianne Williamson said: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate; our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of G-d. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of G-d that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

The Fearful Adult – Why should I care about ‘those people’ when they don’t care about me? If I share what I have, there won’t be enough and I will end up suffering. We must challenge the sense of scarcity that we have learned from capitalism and our histories of oppression. If we change the way food, housing, education, and resources are distributed, we could all have enough.

Martin Luther King said: It really boils down to this: that all life is interrelated. We are all caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied into a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. We are made to live together because of the interrelated structure of reality.

The Compassionate Adult – How can I struggle for justice with an open heart? How can we live in a way that builds the world we want to live in, without losing hope? This is the question that we answer with our lives.

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel wrote: Just to be is a blessing. Just to live is holy. And yet being alive is no answer to the problems of living. To be or not to be is not the question. The vital question is: how to be and how not to be…to pray is to recollect passionately the perpetual urgency of this vital question.

Anne Frank wrote: It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all of my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death. I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness, I hear the ever approaching thunder, which will destroy us too; I can feel the sufferings of millions and yet, if I look up into the heavens, I think that it will all come right, that this cruelty too will end and that peace and tranquility will return again. In the meantime, I must uphold my ideals, for perhaps the time will come when I shall be able to carry them out."

Each of us bears in our own belly the angry one, the ashamed one, the frightened one, the compassionate one. Which of these children shall we bring to birth? Only if we can deeply hear all four of them can we truthfully answer the fourth question. Only if we can deeply hear all four of them can we bring to birth a child, a people that is truly wise.

--------------

Love and Justice in Times of War Haggadah.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/14072054/Love-Justice-in-times-of-war-Haggadah

We move through our days focused on our needs and those of our family. When we look around, however, we see the joy and sadness that exists in communities around the world. We may insulate ourselves because we feel we are too small to make an impact. Rabbi Tarfon said, “You are not obligated to finish the work; neither are you free to desist from it” (Pirkei Avot). You cannot end genocide alone, but working together as a movement, we can move the world closer to that goal.

Question: Together, we can make a difference. Will you join us?

The Insulated child in us…doesn't even know how to ask.

The genocide in Darfur, Sudan is in its 9th year. 400,000 civilians have been slaughtered and more than 3 million displaced. In Congo, over a decade of war has claimed 5.4 million lives. A brutal campaign of mass rape has destroyed the lives of hundreds of thousands of women. These conflicts echo the Jewish experience during the Holocaust, when the world abdicated its responsibility to protect innocent lives. Once the eyes of the Unaware child in us are opened, we are awakened to our responsibility to stay informed.

Question: Now that you know, what will you do?

The Unaware child in us asks:

Really, genocide? Now, in the 21st century? Where?

The Bystander in us knows that there is suffering in the world, but consciously chooses to turn away from it. Elie Wiesel, Holocaust survivor and Nobel Laureate, says, “the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.” We may think that the needs of our own families and communities preclude us from caring for others who are unknown and far away. But at base our question is wrong. The moral choice is not “either/or.” The Jewish response is “both/and.”

Question: What factors go into your decisions to be an Upstander or a Bystander?

The Bystander in us asks:

Why should I care?

The Upstander understands that we are all created b’tzelem Elohim – in the image of G-d. Japanese diplomat Chiune Sugihara defied orders and saved thousands of Jews by issuing transit visas during the Holocaust. American Jews rallied to stop the slaughter of Bosnian Muslims. Today, thousands of JWW activists join JWW to fight against genocide in Sudan and Congo. We see the face of G-d in every person, no matter her race, creed or color – and respond when suffering and brutality occur. The Upstander knows this responsibility and acts.

Question: How are you an Upstander--for your family, your community and the world?

The Upstander in us asks:

What is the Jewish response to genocide and mass atrocities in the world?

What does G-d expect of us?

Our story starts in ancient times, with Abraham, the first person to have the idea that maybe all those little statues his contemporaries worshiped as gods were just statues. The idea of one God, invisible and all-powerful, inspired him to leave his family and begin a new people in Canaan, the land that would one day bear his grandson Jacob’s adopted name, Israel.

God had made a promise to Abraham that his family would become a great nation, but this promise came with a frightening vision of the troubles along the way: “Your descendants will dwell for a time in a land that is not their own, and they will be enslaved and afflicted for four hundred years; however, I will punish the nation that enslaved them, and afterwards they shall leave with great wealth."

Raise the glass of wine and say:

וְהִיא שֶׁעָמְדָה לַאֲבוֹתֵֽינוּ וְלָֽנוּ

V’hi she-amda l’avoteinu v’lanu.

This promise has sustained our ancestors and us.

For not only one enemy has risen against us to annihilate us, but in every generation there are those who rise against us. But God saves us from those who seek to harm us.

The glass of wine is put down.

In the years our ancestors lived in Egypt, our numbers grew, and soon the family of Jacob became the People of Israel. Pharaoh and the leaders of Egypt grew alarmed by this great nation growing within their borders, so they enslaved us. We were forced to perform hard labor, perhaps even building pyramids. The Egyptians feared that even as slaves, the Israelites might grow strong and rebel. So Pharaoh decreed that Israelite baby boys should be drowned, to prevent the Israelites from overthrowing those who had enslaved them.

But God heard the cries of the Israelites. And God brought us out of Egypt with a strong hand and outstretched arm, with great awe, miraculous signs and wonders. God brought us out not by angel or messenger, but through God’s own intervention. 

Scene 1:  In the Desert  Moses is galloping (skipping on foot while clopping coconuts together to sound like hoofbeats) across the desert. He comes to a burning bush.

Bush: Halt! Who goes there!

Moses: A shrubbery! A talking shrubbery! One that looks nice, but is not too expensive. It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.

Bush: Moses! Moses, Leader of the Israelites! 

(Moses looks stunned, drops to his knees in awe and bows his head to the ground in front of the burning bush.)

Bush:  Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.

Moses: Sorry-- 

Bush: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone, it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you doing now!?

Moses: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.

Bush: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so depressing. Now knock it off.

Moses: Yes, Lord.

Bush: Right! Moses, leader of the Israelites your people shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.

Moses: Good idea, Lord!

Bush: Of course it's a good idea! Behold! This is your task to deliver the Israelites from bondage in Egypt.

Moses: A blessing! But are you sure I shouldn't deliver a pizza instead

Scene 2: In Egypt

Moses: I never wanted to do this job of deliverance in the first place. At least delivering pizzas pays good tips!  I wanted to be a lumberjack, even though its a bit hard doing that in the desert. 

(Israelites sing)    Oh, we're Egyptian slaves. It's not OK.    We work all night and we work all day.    We quarry blocks and make mud bricks    And want to run away!

Scene 3: Asking Pharaoh to leave

Moses approaches Pharaoh and his advisors to ask for permission for the Israelites to leave Egypt. 

Pharaoh and his advisors say, "Ni! We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Neeee-wommmm!  We want a shrubbery!!!" 

Moses says, "I already found a shrubbery in the desert. It told me it was God, and told me to deliver the Israelites from bondage in Egypt." 

When Pharaoh asks for proof that Moses speaks for God, he shows Pharaoh the holy hand grenade and Aaron pulls the holy pin, making mincemeat of half the advisors.

Scene 4: The Ten Plagues

Killer rabbits. 

Dead parrots. 

The Spanish Inquisition.  

Silly walks. 

1000-ton weights. 

Plague six. There IS no plague six! 

Crunchy frogs. 

Spam. 

Giant badgers. 

The killing of the first born. 

The morning after the final plague, the Egyptian garbage collectors roam the streets calling, "Bring out your dead!"  People bring corpses of plague victims to the dead cart.  

When they start to pick up one body, one of the collectors says, "Wait a bit.  He's not dead.  He's just resting." A lightning bolt comes out of the sky, hitting the body and killing it.  The collectors smile and heave it onto the cart. 

Scene 5: The Exodus

Aaron (addressing the assembled Israelite multitude): We need to sneak out of Egypt quickly without Pharaoh's army noticing. In this demonstration, we hope to show how to leave Egypt without being seen. This is Miriam of the Tribe of Levi. She can not be seen. Now I am going to ask her to stand up. Sister Miriam, will you stand up please?  

In the distance Miriam stands up. There is a clap of thunder and Miriam crumples to the ground.

Aaron: This demonstrates the value of not being seen

Stop! This is getting too silly!

Scene 6: Arriving at the Red Sea.

The Red Sea guard challenges the fleeing Israelites as they arrive, saying, "None shall pass." 

Guard: What is your name?

Moses: Moses.

Guard: What is your quest?

Moses: To reach the Promised Land.

Guard: What are your favorite colors?

Moses: Blue and white.

Guard: You may pass.

The Israelites pass through the Red Sea.  Now Pharaoh's army approaches, led by Rameses.

   Guard:     What is your name?    Rameses: Rameses, Pharaoh of Egypt    Guard:     What is your quest?    Rameses: To bring back the fleeing Israelite slaves.

Guard:     What is the capital of modern-day Abyssinia

Rameses: I don't know that.

The guard unleashes a flood of water onto Rameses and the army, drowning them all. 

Rameses:  Auuugh!

Aaron watches awestruck, then asks Moses how he was able to answer the questions so well. Moses says, "You have to know these sorts of things when youre a leader of the Israelites, you know."

Narrator:  Forty years later, after wandering around in the desert searching for the Holy Grail, Moses and Joshua stumble across a dragon ship and sail across the river Jordan to swelling music, but just as everything looks like there will be a happy ending ....

Moses: No afikomen here. Let's head back.

And now for something completely different.

Scene 7: The seder plate

To help us remember the story of the first Passover, we have assembled various symbolic foods on a Seder plate. There's egg and spam; shankbone and spam; greens and spam, bitter herbs and spam, charoses and spam, and spam, and spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam matzoh and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam... Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! 

But I can't eat spam, it's not kosher! 

I'll eat yours, dear. I'm Reform

Scene 8: The Four Questions

Setting:  A dusty street in an small Egyptian city.  Moses:  It's time to ask the five questions.   Aaron:  Four, sir!  It's FOUR questions. Moses:  Right.  Thou shalt ask four. No more. No less. Four shall be the number thou shalt ask, and the number of the asking shall be four. Five shalt thou not ask, nor either ask thou three, excepting that thou then proceed to four.

Enter King Arthur and the Black Knight.   King Arthur fights the Black Knight. First King Arthur cuts off the Black Knight's right arm, but he keeps on fighting. Then Arthur cuts off the Black Knight's left arm, followed by his right leg, and then finally cuts off his left leg. The Black Knight keeps fighting. King Arthur turns toward the camera with a puzzled look and asks, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"  

Pause.  Let the audience groan.  Then continue.  Yes, we know that's only one question, but who's counting?  

Scene 9:  Dinner

It's time to eat dinner before finishing the rest of the Haggadah.  While eating dinner, make sure to defend yourself against the possibility that the person to your right will attack you with a banana.  

Scene 10:  The Afikomen

The children are sent out of the room to find the Afikomen.  They return, shouting:

Children:  An afikomen! An afikomen! An afikomen! We've got an afikomen!: We have found an afikomen, may we eat it? 

Father:     Eat it! Eat! 

Mother:    How do you know it is an afikomen?

Children:  It looks like one. It has warts on it.  And it turned me into a newt!

Scene 11: Elijah's Cup

Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for to open the door for Elijah's penguin. (Participant opens the door and in comes a penguin. The penguin explodes.

Scene 12:  Conclusion Narrator:  We conclude tonight's program with the question, 'Is there life after death?'. And here to discuss this question are three dead people.  The late Pharaoh Ramses, former ruler of the kingdom of Egypt, circa 1400 BCE; the late Moshe ben Amram, tribal spokesperson and record holder for longest road trip across the wilderness; and putting forward the view of the Powers that Be, the prophet Elijah the Gileadite. Gentlemen, is there life after death or not? (Prolonged silence)

Well there we have it!  Three say "No". On next week's program we'll be discussing the question 'Does the state of France have a right to exist?. And until then, goodnight. 

THE END

As we rejoice at our deliverance from slavery, we acknowledge that our freedom was hard-earned. We regret that our freedom came at the cost of the Egyptians’ suffering, for we are all human beings made in the image of God. We pour out a drop of wine for each of the plagues as we recite them.

Dip a finger or a spoon into your wine glass for a drop for each plague.

These are the ten plagues which God brought down on the Egyptians:

Blood | dam | דָּם

Frogs | tzfardeiya |  צְפַרְדֵּֽעַ

Lice | kinim | כִּנִּים

Beasts | arov | עָרוֹב

Cattle disease | dever | דֶּֽבֶר

Boils | sh’chin | שְׁחִין

Hail | barad | בָּרָד

Locusts | arbeh | אַרְבֶּה

Darkness | choshech | חֹֽשֶׁךְ

Death of the Firstborn | makat b’chorot | מַכַּת בְּכוֹרוֹת

The Egyptians needed ten plagues because after each one they were able to come up with excuses and explanations rather than change their behavior. Could we be making the same mistakes? Make up your own list. What are the plagues in your life? What are the plagues in our world today? What behaviors do we need to change to fix them? 

The plagues and our subsequent redemption from Egypt are but one example of the care God has shown for us in our history. Had God but done any one of these kindnesses, it would have been enough – dayeinu.

אִלּוּ הוֹצִיאָֽנוּ מִמִּצְרַֽיִם, דַּיֵּנוּ

Ilu hotzi- hotzianu, Hotzianu mi-mitzrayim Hotzianu mi-mitzrayim, Dayeinu

If God had only taken us out of Egypt, that would have been enough!

אִלּוּ נָתַן לָֽנוּ אֶת־הַתּוֹרָה, דַּיֵּנוּ

Ilu natan natan lanu, natan lanu et ha-Torah, Natan lanu et ha-Torah , Dayeinu

If God had only given us the Torah, that would have been enough.

 The complete lyrics to Dayeinu tell the entire story of the Exodus from Egypt as a series of miracles God performed for us. (See the Additional Readings if you want to read or sing them all.)

Dayeinu also reminds us that each of our lives is the cumulative result of many blessings, small and large. 

We have now told the story of Passover…but wait! We’re not quite done. There are still some symbols on our seder plate we haven’t talked about yet. Rabban Gamliel would say that whoever didn’t explain the shank bone, matzah, and marror (or bitter herbs) hasn’t done Passover justice.

The shank bone represents the Pesach, the special lamb sacrifice made in the days of the Temple for the Passover holiday. It is called the pesach, from the Hebrew word meaning “to pass over,” because God passed over the houses of our ancestors in Egypt when visiting plagues upon our oppressors.

The matzah reminds us that when our ancestors were finally free to leave Egypt, there was no time to pack or prepare. Our ancestors grabbed whatever dough was made and set out on their journey, letting their dough bake into matzah as they fled.

The bitter herbs provide a visceral reminder of the bitterness of slavery, the life of hard labor our ancestors experienced in Egypt.

בְּכָל־דּוֹר וָדוֹר חַיָּב אָדָם לִרְאוֹת אֶת־עַצְמוֹ, כְּאִלּוּ הוּא יָצָא מִמִּצְרָֽיִם

B’chol dor vador chayav adam lirot et-atzmo, k’ilu hu yatzav mimitzrayim.

In every generation, everyone is obligated to see themselves as though they personally left Egypt.

The seder reminds us that it was not only our ancestors whom God redeemed; God redeemed us too along with them. That’s why the Torah says “God brought us out from there in order to lead us to and give us the land promised to our ancestors.”

---

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who redeemed us and our ancestors from Egypt, enabling us to reach this night and eat matzah and bitter herbs. May we continue to reach future holidays in peace and happiness.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, borei p’ree hagafen.

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who creates the fruit of the vine.

Drink the second glass of wine!

As we now transition from the formal telling of the Passover story to the celebratory meal, we once again wash our hands to prepare ourselves. In Judaism, a good meal together with friends and family is itself a sacred act, so we prepare for it just as we prepared for our holiday ritual, recalling the way ancient priests once prepared for service in the Temple.

Some people distinguish between washing to prepare for prayer and washing to prepare for food by changing the way they pour water on their hands. For washing before food, pour water three times on your right hand and then three times on your left hand.

After you have poured the water over your hands, recite this short blessing.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ אֱלֹהֵֽינוּ מֶֽלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָֽׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו, וְצִוָּנוּ  עַל נְטִילַת יָדָֽיִם

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu al n’tilat yadayim.

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who made us holy through obligations, commanding us to wash our hands.

The blessing over the meal and matzah | motzi matzah | מוֹצִיא מַצָּה

The familiar hamotzi blessing marks the formal start of the meal. Because we are using matzah instead of bread, we add a blessing celebrating this mitzvah.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵֽינוּ מֶֽלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, הַמּוֹצִיא לֶֽחֶם מִן הָאָֽרֶץ

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, hamotzi lechem min ha-aretz.

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who brings bread from the land.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵֽינוּ מֶֽלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָֽׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתַָיו וְצִוָּֽנוּ עַל אֲכִילַת מַצָּה

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu al achilat matzah.

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who made us holy through obligations, commanding us to eat matzah.

Distribute and eat the top and middle matzah for everyone to eat.

Dipping the bitter herb in sweet charoset | maror  |מָרוֹר   

  In creating a holiday about the joy of freedom, we turn the story of our bitter history into a sweet celebration. We recognize this by dipping our bitter herbs into the sweet charoset. We don’t totally eradicate the taste of the bitter with the taste of the sweet… but doesn’t the sweet mean more when it’s layered over the bitterness?

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵֽינוּ מֶֽלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, אֲשֶׁר קִדְּשָֽׁנוּ בְּמִצְוֹתָיו וְצִוָּֽנוּ עַל אֲכִילַת מרוֹר

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu al achilat maror.

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who made us holy through obligations, commanding us to eat bitter herbs.

Eating a sandwich of matzah and bitter herb | koreich | כּוֹרֵךְ

When the Temple stood in Jerusalem, the biggest ritual of them all was eating the lamb offered as the pesach or Passover sacrifice. The great sage Hillel would put the meat in a sandwich made of matzah, along with some of the bitter herbs. While we do not make sacrifices any more – and, in fact, some Jews have a custom of purposely avoiding lamb during the seder so that it is not mistaken as a sacrifice – we honor this custom by eating a sandwich of the remaining matzah and bitter herbs. Some people will also include charoset in the sandwich to remind us that God’s kindness helped relieve the bitterness of slavery.

Eating the meal! | shulchan oreich | שֻׁלְחָן עוֹרֵךְ

Enjoy! But don’t forget when you’re done we’ve got a little more seder to go, including the final two cups of wine!

It's time to eat dinner before finishing the rest of the Haggadah.  While eating dinner, make sure to defend yourself against the possibility that the person to your right will attack you with a banana.  

Finding and eating the Afikomen | tzafoon | צָפוּן

The playfulness of finding the afikomen reminds us that we balance our solemn memories of slavery with a joyous celebration of freedom. As we eat the afikomen, our last taste of matzah for the evening, we are grateful for moments of silliness and happiness in our lives.

The children are sent out of the room to find the Afikomen.  They return, shouting:

Children:  An afikomen! An afikomen! An afikomen! We've got an afikomen!: We have found an afikomen, may we eat it? 

Father:     Eat it! Eat! 

Mother:    How do you know it is an afikomen?

Children:  It looks like one. It has warts on it.  And it turned me into a newt!

Refill everyone’s wine glass.

We now say grace after the meal, thanking God for the food we’ve eaten. On Passover, this becomes something like an extended toast to God, culminating with drinking our third glass of wine for the evening:

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, whose goodness sustains the world. You are the origin of love and compassion, the source of bread for all. Thanks to You, we need never lack for food; You provide food enough for everyone. We praise God, source of food for everyone.

As it says in the Torah: When you have eaten and are satisfied, give praise to your God who has given you this good earth. We praise God for the earth and for its sustenance.

Renew our spiritual center in our time. We praise God, who centers us.

May the source of peace grant peace to us, to the Jewish people, and to the entire world. Amen.

The Third Glass of Wine

The blessing over the meal is immediately followed by another blessing over the wine:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, borei p’ree hagafen.

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who creates the fruit of the vine.

Drink the third glass of wine!

The Cup of Elijah

We now refill our wine glasses one last time and open the front door to invite the prophet Elijah to join our seder.

In the Bible, Elijah was a fierce defender of God to a disbelieving people. At the end of his life, rather than dying, he was whisked away to heaven. Tradition holds that he will return in advance of messianic days to herald a new era of peace, so we set a place for Elijah at many joyous, hopeful Jewish occasions, such as a baby’s bris and the Passover seder.

אֵלִיָּֽהוּ הַנָּבִיא, אֵלִיָּֽהוּ הַתִּשְׁבִּיאֵלִיָּֽהוּ, אֵלִיָּֽהוּ,אֵלִיָּֽהוּ הַגִּלְעָדִי

בִּמְהֵרָה בְיָמֵֽנוּ יָבוֹא אֵלֵֽינוּ

עִם מָשִֽׁיחַ בֶּן דָּוִד

עִם מָשִֽׁיחַ בֶּן דָּוִד

Eliyahu hanavi
Eliyahu hatishbi
Eliyahu, Eliyahu, Eliyahu hagiladi
Bimheirah b’yameinu, yavo eileinu
Im mashiach ben-David,
Im mashiach ben-David

Elijah the prophet, the returning, the man of Gilad:
return to us speedily,
in our days with the messiah,
son of David.

When we open the door for Elijah, I like to tell this story that was once told to me:

"A pious and wealthy Jew asked his rabbi, “For about forty years I have opened the door for Elijah every Seder night waiting for him to come, but he never does. What is the reason?” The rabbi answered, “In your neighborhood there lives a very poor family with many children. Call on the man and propose to him that you and your family celebrate the next Passover in his house, and for this purpose provide him and his whole family with everything necessary for the eight Passover days. Then on the Seder night Elijah will certainly come.” The man did as the rabbi told him, but after Passover he came to the rabbi and claimed that again he had waited in vain to see Elijah. The rabbi answered, “I know very well that Elijah came on the Seder night to the house of your poor neighbor. But of course you could not see him.” And the rabbi held a mirror before the face of the man and said, “Look, this was Elijah’s face that night.”"[5]

It conjures a number of questions that are important to the ways in which we make Passover meaningful for today:

1) How does the value of taking care of our community evolve or remain the same over time?
2) Why do we tell and retell the story of our own people's suffering and liberation, and what can we learn from it?
3) Who are we responsible for, if not only ourselves? 

Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for to open the door for Elijah's penguin. (Participant opens the door and in comes a penguin. The penguin explodes.)

On Passover we

Opened the door for Elijah

Now our cat is gone.

Singing songs that praise God | hallel | הַלֵּל

This is the time set aside for singing. Some of us might sing traditional prayers from the Book of Psalms. Others take this moment for favorites like Chad Gadya & Who Knows One, which you can find in the appendix. To celebrate the theme of freedom, we might sing songs from the civil rights movement. Or perhaps your crazy Uncle Frank has some parody lyrics about Passover to the tunes from a musical. We’re at least three glasses of wine into the night, so just roll with it.

Fourth Glass of Wine

As we come to the end of the seder, we drink one more glass of wine. With this final cup, we give thanks for the experience of celebrating Passover together, for the traditions that help inform our daily lives and guide our actions and aspirations.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, borei p’ree hagafen.

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who creates the fruit of the vine.

Drink the fourth and final glass of wine! 

The fourth cup of wine is poured

We now draw our attention to the two empty cups on the table--one of which is for Elijah the Prophet, and the other for Miriam the Prophetess. Tradition teaches us that each of these biblical characters plays an important task of bringing redemption.It is said that that Elijah the Prophet visits the homes of Jewish families on Passover, to check to see if we are all truly ready to welcome the stranger, and are thus prepared to enter as a people into the messianic age. To Elijah we each offer a little bit of wine from our own cups, as a symbolic gesture of our readiness for redemption.

To honor Miriam the Prophetess, we each pour not wine, but water into a cup. According to tradition, Miriam sustained the Israelites in the desert with water from her well, and to this day her life-giving waters still flow into wells everywhere,sustaining us all as we work to bring redemption and wait for Elijah.

And so we open the door, pass around the Elijah’s and Miriam’s cups so that everyone can contribute to them, and sing together their songs of redemption:

(To be recited after opening the door for Elijah) On this night of the Seder we remember with reverence and love the six million of our people of the European exile who perished at the hand of a tyrant more wicked that Pharaoh who enslaved our fathers in Egypt. Come, said he to his minions, let us cut them off from being a people, that the name of Israel may be remembered no more. And they slew the blameless and pure, men and women and little ones, with vapors of poison and burned them with fire. But we abstain from dwelling the deeds of evil ones lest we defame the image of God in which man was created. Now, the remnants of our people who were left in the ghettos and camps of annihilation rose up against the wicked ones for the sanctification of the Name and slew many of them before they died. On the first day of Passover the remnants in the Ghetto for Warsaw rose up against the adversary, even as in the days of Judah the Maccabee. They were lovely and pleasant in the lives and in their death they were not divided. They brought redemption to the name of Israel throughout all the world. And from the depths of their affliction the martyrs lifted their voices in a song of faith in the coming of the Messiah, when justice and brotherhood will reign among men. "Ani ma-amin be-emuna sh'layma b'viat ha-mashiach; V'afal pee she-yit-may-mayah im kol ze ani ma-amin." I believe with perfect faith in the coming of the Messiah; and,  though he tarry, none the less I believe."

Nirtzah  marks the conclusion of the seder. Our bellies are full, we have had several glasses of wine, we have told stories and sung songs, and now it is time for the evening to come to a close. At the end of the seder, we honor the tradition of declaring, “Next year in Jerusalem!”

For some people, the recitation of this phrase expresses the anticipation of rebuilding the Temple in Jerusalem and the return of the Messiah. For others, it is an affirmation of hope and of connectedness with  Klal Yisrael, the whole of the Jewish community. Still others yearn for peace in Israel and for all those living in the Diaspora.

Though it comes at the end of the seder, this moment also marks a beginning. We are beginning the next season with a renewed awareness of the freedoms we enjoy and the obstacles we must still confront. We are looking forward to the time that we gather together again. Having retold stories of the Jewish people, recalled historic movements of liberation, and reflected on the struggles people still face for freedom and equality, we are ready to embark on a year that we hope will bring positive change in the world and freedom to people everywhere.

In  The Leader's Guide to the Family Participation Haggadah: A Different Night, Rabbi David Hartman writes: “Passover is the night for reckless dreams; for visions about what a human being can be, what society can be, what people can be, what history may become.”

What can  we  do to fulfill our reckless dreams? What will be our legacy for future generations?

Our seder is over, according to Jewish tradition and law. As we had the pleasure to gather for a seder this year, we hope to once again have the opportunity in the years to come. We pray that God brings health and healing to Israel and all the people of the world, especially those impacted by natural tragedy and war. As we say…

לְשָׁנָה הַבָּאָה בִּירוּשָׁלָֽיִם

L’shana haba-ah biy’rushalayim

NEXT YEAR IN JERUSALEM!

Narrator:  We conclude tonight's program with the question, 'Is there life after death?'. And here to discuss this question are three dead people.  The late Pharaoh Ramses, former ruler of the kingdom of Egypt, circa 1400 BCE; the late Moshe ben Amram, tribal spokesperson and record holder for longest road trip across the wilderness; and putting forward the view of the Powers that Be, the prophet Elijah the Gileadite. Gentlemen, is there life after death or not? (Prolonged silence)

Well there we have it!  Three say "No". On next week's program we'll be discussing the question 'Does the state of France have a right to exist?. And until then, goodnight. 

The economic collapse has left many of us feeling powerless and despondent. The world, it seems, has drifted into a new Mitzrayim, a term that refers geographically to the land of Egypt, but literally means a narrow or constricted place.

It is not easy to escape from Mitzrayim. According to the Torah, the ancient Israelites endured slavery for hundreds f years before summoning the strength even to pray for liberation. Frightened when freedom comes, the people continue to long for a return to the security of slavery.

At one point, God comments, "They will know that I am Adonai their God who brought them out of Mitzrayim to dwell among them." (Exodus 29:46) Rashi, an eleventh century scholar reads this verse conditionally: "On the condition that I dwell among [the people], I have brought them out of Egypt.:

That is – as long as the people allow the divine presence to dwell among them, they will remain free from Mitzrayim. But the moment the people stop actively trying to make the divine presence manifest, they will metaphorically return to the constricted space of Mitzrayim.

By giving tzedakah, by working for policies that will create opportunity for everyone, and by helping to create a more just society, we too can make the divine presence evident among us, even – or especially – in difficult times, and will lift ourselves collectively out of the narrowness of Mitzrayim. 

— Jill Jacobs, Rabbi-in-Residence for Jewish Funds for Justice and author of There Shall Be No Needy, is a leading expert on Jewish perspectives on economic and social justice.

At the heart of a progressive Muslim interpretation is a simple yet radical idea: every human individual, female or male, Muslim or non-Muslim, rich or poor, of the “developed” North or “underdeveloped” South, has exactly the same intrinsic worth. The essential value of human life is God-given, and is in no way connected to culture, race, ethnicity, gender, geography, or privilege. A progressive Muslim is one who is committed to the strangely controversial idea that the true measure of a human being’s worth is a person’s character and not the oil under their soil or their particular flag. A progressive Muslim agenda is concerned with the ramifications of the premise that all members of the human race have this same intrinsic worth because each of us has the breath of God breathed into our being: /wa nafakhtu fihi min ruhi/. (Qur’an 15:29 and 38:72). This identification with the full humanity of all human beings amounts to nothing short of an Islamic Humanism, one that strives for affirming of dignity and sanctity of all human life through—and not outside—a religious context.

A goal of Passover is the simultaneous remembrance of our bondage in Egypt and God’s liberation of the Hebrews. While progressive Muslims honor the spiritual readings of bondage and liberation, they also insist that for billions around the planet, the bondage of Egypt is real in forms of poverty, occupation, exile, and humiliation. All of us deserve to worship a God who is committed to liberating all of God’s children. All of us deserve to enjoy this liberation, by the simple virtue of being human and being made in God’s image. An increasing number of those who advocate such a humanistic framework within the context of Islam have self-identified as progressive Muslims. ‘Progressive’ refers to a relentless striving towards a universal notion of justice in which no single community’s prosperity, righteousness, and dignity comes at the expense of another’s. Adherents of progressive Islam conceive of a way of being Muslim that engages and affirms the humanity of all human beings, that actively holds all of us responsible for a fair and just distribution of our God-given natural resources, and that seeks to live in harmony with the natural world. Safi introduces the idea of a humanistic framework allowing one to embrace the intrinsic worth of every individual. Such a progressive framework is seen as an inherent expression of an authentic Muslim identity. He concretizes the Passover story into the lived experience of the enslaved today. Professor Safi reminds us that for billions around the planet, the bondage of Egypt is real in forms of poverty, occupation, exile and humilliation. How do you remember those around the world who are "still in Egypt" during Passover? How does your religious identity compel you to embrace notions of universality?

 MY FAVORITE CLEAN SEDER JOKES

By Rabbi Daniel Brenner

In order to keep my kids and their cousins entertained during Pesach, I have a “Joke Bank” an envelope in which I keep the following jokes, all printed out on little slips of paper. If the kids get wild, I say, “pay attention for the next ten seconds and  you’ll get to pick a joke.” They love it. Of course many of these jokes are groaners, but, hey, they are the best the internet has to offer. 

www.rabbidanielbrenner.blogspot.com

 

Q: Why do we have an Haggadah at Passover?
A: So we can Seder right words.

 

 

A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"

He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."

"How?" 

The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up.  Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea.  When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge.  Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."

The father was shocked.  "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"

As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water.

Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.

 

Knock, Knock

Who's there?

EliYa

EliYa who?

EliYaHu HaNavi

 

Passover Research

 

What kind of cheese do I eat on Pesach?

Who was the best businesswoman in the Bible?

 

The Jews are camped in front of the Red Sea. They see the Egyptian chariots approaching. Moses turns to his PR man.

Moses - "Nu, where are those boats you got us?"

PR Guy - "Boats? You didn't say nothing 'bout no boats."

Moses - "So what do you want I should do? Part the waters and we can all just walk across?"

PR Guy - "If you can swing that, I'll get you your own chapter in the Bible!"

 

Did you know that the horseradish root goes back in time as far as the matzoh does? The horseradish root also crossed the Red Sea with the fleeing Israelites. The Israelites were slaves at the time and only had access to a few vegetables. The hard and woody horseradish was one of them and was a household staple.
Nearly all the fleeing Israelites took horseradish with them. Moshe and Sadie, however, while gathering up their scant belongings, found to their dismay that they had run out of horseradish. Sadie immediately sent Moshe into the field to dig up a large horseradish root to take with them. However, because it was dark and everyone was running around in panic, Moshe dug up a ginger root by mistake.
After forty years in the desert, the Israelites finally entered the Promised Land – all, that is, except Moshe and Sadie. It took them forty-one years to arrive. When asked where they had been, Sadie, now grown old, shrugged her shoulders and replied, "Moshe insisted on taking an alternative root."

 

Moshe has been living in Poland all his life, but just before the 2nd World War, he sees big trouble coming. So he sells all his assets, converts them into gold and then melts down the gold to have five sets of false teeth made for him. He flees Poland and after much travelling, arrives at Ellis Island, New York, where he is interrogated by an immigration official who also goes through the contents of his battered suitcase.
When the official sees the 5 sets of false teeth, he asks Moshe why he has so many. Moshe replies, "As you might know, we orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes, one for meat and one for dairy products. However, I’m so kosher and religious that I also need to have separate sets of teeth."
The official is confused. "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What are the other three for?"
"Well," Moshe replies, "we ultra-Orthodox Jews also use separate dishes for Passover and I’m so observant that I need two sets of Passover teeth to go with the dishes, one for meat and one for dairy food."
The official is still confused. "You've convinced me that you're a highly religious man and I accept that you therefore need four sets of teeth. But what about the fifth set?"
"Well, to tell you the truth, mister official," replies Moshe, "every once in a while I like to eat a ham and cheese sandwich."

 

 

After the tenth plague, the slaying of all the Egyptian first born, the Pharaoh told Moses the Jews were free to leave Egypt. So, the Jews packed their carts with their belongings and tried to leave. The problem was, with all the dead Egyptians, the funeral homes could not handle the demand. The end result was streets littered with coffins. With the streets impassable, the Jews couldn't get there carts out of their driveways.

They complained to Moses. "We can't get out of Egypt unless you do something about these blocked streets". Moses in turn, called out to God. "Lord, please do something about this coffin problem." With all the commotion, it was hard for God to hear what Moses was saying. He thought Moses said 'Coughin" and responded by turning all the wine into cough syrup. And that is why, to this day, Jews drink Passover wine that resembles cough syrup.

 

What's the difference between matzoh and cardboard??
Cardboard doesn't leave crumbs in the rug!

Who Knows One? 
At some seders, people go around the table reading the question and all 13 answers in one breath. Thirteen is hard!

Who knows one?

I know one.

One is our God in Heaven and Earth

Who knows two?

I know two.

Two are the tablets of the covenant

One is our God in Heaven and Earth

Who knows two?

I know two.

Three are the patriarchs

Two are the tablets of the covenant

One is our God in Heaven and Earth

Who knows four?

I know four.

Four are the matriarchs

Three are the patriarchs

Two are the tablets of the covenant

One is our God in Heaven and Earth

Who knows five?

I know five.

Five are the books of the Torah

Four are the matriarchs

Three are the patriarchs

Two are the tablets of the covenant

One is our God in Heaven and Earth

Who knows six?

I know six.

Six are the orders of the Mishnah

Five are the books of the Torah

Four are the matriarchs

Three are the patriarchs

Two are the tablets of the covenant

One is our God in Heaven and Earth

Who knows seven?

I know seven.

Seven are the days of the week

Six are the orders of the Mishnah

Five are the books of the Torah

Four are the matriarchs

Three are the patriarchs

Two are the tablets of the covenant

One is our God in Heaven and Earth

Who knows eight?

I know eight.

Eight are the days for circumcision

Seven are the days of the week

Six are the orders of the Mishnah

Five are the books of the Torah

Four are the matriarchs

Three are the patriarchs

Two are the tablets of the covenant

One is our God in Heaven and Earth

Who knows nine?

I know nine.

Eight are the days for circumcision

Seven are the days of the week

Six are the orders of the Mishnah

Five are the books of the Torah

Four are the matriarchs

Three are the patriarchs

Two are the tablets of the covenant

One is our God in Heaven and Earth

Who knows ten?

I know ten.

Ten are the Words from Sinai

Nine are the months of childbirth

Eight are the days for circumcision

Seven are the days of the week

Six are the orders of the Mishnah

Five are the books of the Torah

Four are the matriarchs

Three are the patriarchs

Two are the tablets of the covenant

One is our God in Heaven and Earth

Who knows eleven?

I know eleven.

Eleven are the stars

Ten are the Words from Sinai

Nine are the months of childbirth

Eight are the days for circumcision

Seven are the days of the week

Six are the orders of the Mishnah

Five are the books of the Torah

Four are the matriarchs

Three are the patriarchs

Two are the tablets of the covenant

One is our God in Heaven and Earth

Who knows twelve?

I know twelve.

Twelve are the tribes

Eleven are the stars

Ten are the Words from Sinai

Nine are the months of childbirth

Eight are the days for circumcision

Seven are the days of the week

Six are the orders of the Mishnah

Five are the books of the Torah

Four are the matriarchs

Three are the patriarchs

Two are the tablets of the covenant

One is our God in Heaven and Earth

Who knows thirteen?

I know thirteen

Thirteen are the attributes of God

Twelve are the tribes

Eleven are the stars

Ten are the Words from Sinai

Nine are the months of childbirth

Eight are the days for circumcision

Seven are the days of the week

Six are the orders of the Mishnah

Five are the books of the Torah

Four are the matriarchs

Three are the patriarchs

Two are the tablets of the covenant

One is our God in Heaven and Earth

Chad Gadya

חַד גַּדְיָא, חַד גַּדְיָא

דְזַבִּין אַבָּא בִּתְרֵי זוּזֵי

חַד גַּדְיָא, חַד גַּדְיָא

Chad gadya, chad gadya

Dizabin abah bitrei zuzei

Chad gadya, chad gadya.

One little goat, one little goat:

Which my father brought for two zuzim.

One little goat, one little goat:

The cat came and ate the goat,

Which my father bought for two zuzim.

One little goat, one little goat:

The dog came and bit the cat

That ate the goat,

Which my father bought for two zuzim.

One little goat, one little goat:

The stick came and beat the dog

That bit the cat that ate the goat,

Which my father bought for two zuzim.

One little goat, one little goat:

The fire came and burned the stick

That beat the dog that bit the cat

That ate the goat,

Which my father bought for two zuzim.

One little goat, one little goat:

The water came and extinguished the

Fire that burned the stick

That beat the dog that bit the cat

That ate the goat,

Which my father bought for two zuzim.

One little goat, one little goat:

The ox came and drank the water

That extinguished the fire

That burned the stick that beat the dog That bit the cat that ate the goat,

Which my father bought for two zuzim.

One little goat, one little goat:

The butcher came and killed the ox,

That drank the water

That extinguished the fire

That burned the stick that beat the dog That bit the cat that ate the goat,

Which my father bought for two zuzim.

One little goat, one little goat:

The angle of death came and slew

The butcher who killed the ox,

That drank the water

That extinguished the fire

That burned the stick that beat the dog That bit the cat that ate the goat,

Which my father bought for two zuzim.

One little goat, one little goat:

The Holy One, Blessed Be He came and

Smote the angle of death who slew

The butcher who killed the ox,

That drank the water

That extinguished the fire

That burned the stick that beat the dog That bit the cat that ate the goat,

Which my father bought for two zuzim.

[Sing newer anti-oppression songs]

I NEVER WAS

©Linda Hirschhorn 2009 (Inspired by Pastor Martin Niemoller)

First they came for the Communists I stood by silently I never was a Communist

What did it matter to me

What did it matter to me

Then they came for the Union Men and I stood silently I never was a Union Man What did it matter to me

What did it matter to me

Cry out cry out its still going on today your neighbor is an Immigrant they’re coming to take him away

And when they came for Gays and Jews I just closed my eyes I wasn’t Gay and I wasn’t a Jew so I stood silently by

What did it matter, how could it matter, why should it matter to me

Cry out cry out its still going on today your neighbor is a Muslim they’re coming to take her away

And now I hear they’re coming soon they’re coming soon for me there’s no one left who might cry out cry out to set me free

No one of us is truly safe until we all are free no one of us can truly say it matters not to me Cry out cry out its still going on today who is your next door neighbor why have they gone away

 

A S(w)inging Seder

 Kal Winer

INTRODUCTION

Pesach-time  

Tell Me Why We Meet Tonight

Where Have Our Haggadahs Gone?

Fifty Ways to Lead Your Seder

This Seder's Made for You and Me

 

KADDESH: SANCTIFICATION

First Cup of Wine

KARPAS: SPRING VEGETABLE

Eating Parsley

 

YACHATZ: BREAK MIDDLE MATZAH

Break Break Break Your Matzah  

 

MAGGID: TELL THE STORY

If I Had Four Questions

Comin' on This Night

Four Kinds of Children

Moses Prophet

Phar-aoh

The Poor Old Egyptians

The Plagues Are Unleashed

Second Cup of Wine

 

RACHTZAH: WASH

Wash Wash Wash Your Hands

 

MOTZI/MATZAH: BLESSING THE MATZAH

Ancestors Would

Oh What A Beautiful Matzah

 

MAROR: BITTER HERB

Horseradish Club March

 

KORECH: HILLEL SANDWICH

Does Your Matzah Lie Flat?

 

SHULCHAN ORECH: FESTIVE MEAL

Home in the Spring

 

TZAFUN: EAT THE AFIKOMEN

Find Find Find Dessert

Afikomen Is Found to Be Missing

Afikomen Chorus

 

BARECH: BLESS THE MEAL

Third Cup of Wine

Prophet Elijah

 

HALLEL: PRAISE

Fourth Cup of Wine

Manischewitz Medley

 

NIRTZAH: CLOSING

Next Year, Next Year

Jerusalem This Year

S-E-D-E-R

 

About This Seder

 

I love the Passover Seder, and I am always on the lookout for new pieces to include that will expand the joy and richness of the celebration. Years ago, I started writing Passover lyrics to well-known tunes; I wanted to add humor and freshness, to keep everyone—young and old—more involved and awake, and to give us all more time to bond together by singing together. Eventually, I had enough songs to cover every Seder ritual. Some rituals have several songs so you get to choose which ones best fit your Seder.

 

You can use a few songs each year to spice up your Seder, or you can insert a song when the group energy starts to flag. Adventurous Seder makers can use A S(w)inging Seder as the sole (or main) Haggadah for the evening. If you try this, I suggest mixing up the sound by using solos, duets, and small groups for different songs to vary the texture. Some songs (for example, “The Plagues Are Coming”) can be sung with different small groups taking turns singing different verses.

 

I could never have gotten this done without the extraordinary help of my wife, Linda, who typed the lyrics and wrestled our computer into submission; and the support of Rabbi Alissa Wise, who encouraged me to do it and helped me avoid wandering in the technology desert for forty years.

 

Kal Winer

Burkettville, Maine

2011

INTRODUCTION

 

Pesach-time

To: Summertime

Pesach-time

There’s no bread on the table

Guests arriving’

And the feelings run high

 

Oh our tradition’s rich

And our bubbe’s good cookin’

So let’s start our Seder

Hearts will fly

 

Tell Me Why We Meet Tonight

To: Tell Me Why (the old summer camp song)

 

Tell me why we meet tonight

Why do we recall our peoples’ great flight?

Why must we get restless before we’re through?

What is the meaning for me and for you?

 

Tell me why it took so long

From slaves in Egypt ‘til we got strong

Tell me why freedom takes time

Tonight we will taste of our peoples’ hard climb.

 

Lost in the desert for forty years

Life was too hard, we shed many tears

We walked for whole lifetimes, we felt real tired

Now we recall it, so we’ll get inspired.

 

Tell me why our Seder’s long

Read all the words and sing all the songs

Tell me why we can’t just eat

‘Cuz life’s sometimes bitter, before it gets sweet.

 

Where Have Our Haggadahs Gone?

To: Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

Where have our Haggadahs gone?

What’s this new one?

Where have our Haggadahs gone?

I want to know.

Where have our Haggadahs gone?

Can’t tell our Story anymore.

How will our children learn? (2x)

 

What’s with this? It’s just some songs

How to lead it?

‘Least it won’t take very long

Then we’ll be free.

Should we try it anyways?

That old book was way too dry

Let’s see what we can learn (2x).

 

This new one just might be fun

Let’s all sing it.

It’s a journey we can take

See where it goes.

Where have our Haggadahs gone?

It’s our Story, not our book

To which we now return (2x).

 

 

Fifty Ways to Lead Your Seder

To: 50 ways to leave your lover

 

“The problem’s all inside your head,” Zayde said to me

“The answer’s easy if you don’t do it slavishly.

I’d like to help you tell our struggle to be free.

There must be 50 ways to lead your Seder.”

 

Bubbe adds, “It’s really not just about the food.

Passover, and its meaning, can’t be lost or misconstrued.

What’s at the center is creating the right mood.

There must be 50 ways to lead your Seder.”

 

You can go slow, Moe

Add something new, Sue

Write a fun song, Don

Just get the Jews free.

 

Act out the story, Maury

Read poems that speak Truth, Ruth

Make the plagues key, Lee

And get yourself free.

 

This Seder’s Made for You and Me

To: This Land Is Your Land

 

CHORUS:          This Seder’s your tale, this Seder’s my tale

From slaves in Egypt, to the Milk and Honey Trail

We got our Freedom, but it wasn’t easy

This Seder’s made for you and me.

 

When you eat matzah, remember leaving

The haste of going, no time for grieving

The taste of flat bread, low expectations

This Seder’s made for you and me.

 

CHORUS

 

We crossed the desert, the sands were burning

For a place of safety, we all were yearning

Our throats were parched dry, our patience tested

This Seder’s made for you and me.

 

CHORUS

 

We feared the unknown, our faith was feeble

We roamed and rambled, we became a People

G-d gave Commandments, for us to follow

This Seder’s made for you and me.

 

CHORUS

 

Each year we retell the ancient story

The point of which is not for glory

We’re meant to stand up for one another

This Seder’s made for you and me.

 

CHORUS

 

KADDESH: SANCTIFICATION

 

First Cup of Wine

To: There Were 12 Constipated Men in the Bible

 

We drink four different cups of wine

at the Seder, at the Seder

We drink four different cups of wine

at the Seder, at the Seder

 

There’s the first, which stands for “BRING YOU OUT”  (3X)

from old Egypt, from old Egypt.

 

KARPAS: SPRING VEGETABLE

Eating Parsley

To: Scotland’s Burning (a round)

 

Eating parsley, eating parsley

Fresh greens, fresh greens

Spring! Spring! Spring! Spring!

In salt water, in salt water.

 

YACHATZ: BREAK MIDDLE MATZAH

Break Break Break Your Matzah

To: Row Row Row Your Boat

 

Break, break, break your matzah

Big half’s set aside

Forget about it, forget about it, forget about it, forget about it

‘Til it’s time to hide

 

MAGGID: TELL THE STORY

 

If I Had Four Questions

To: If I Had a Hammer

 

If I had four questions,

I’d ask them at the Seder

I’d ask them at the Seder

In a little song.

I’d sing “Mah Nishtanah?”

“Why is this night different?”

Why do so many gather to ask all their questions

All over this world?

 

We ask why we’re leaning,

We ask about dipping,

We ask about unleavened bread

And the bitter herb.

The youngest will sing it

To pass on tradition

We all sing four questions, but then we ask others

All over this world.

 

If I knew the answers,

I’d tell them at the Seder

I’d tell them to my children

So they understand.

I’d tell the whole story

Of slaves down in Egypt

Becoming a people that searched for their freedom

All over this world.

 

Well, I’ve got some questions

And I’ve got some answers

And I’ve got this song to sing

All over this world.

It’s a question of justice

It’s an answer of freedom

It’s this song about hope for our brothers and our sisters

All over this world.

 

Comin’ on this Night

To: Blowin’ in the Wind

 

How many wine cups must a slave drink

Before he knows he’s a man?

Yes, ‘n’ how much slavery can a man take

Before he’ll cross desert sands?

Yes, ‘n’ how many flat breads must people bake

Before they’ll leave in a band?

The answer, my friend, is comin’ on this Night

The answer is comin’ on this Night.

 

How many times must a man look around

Before he knows he too will die?

Yes, ‘n’ how much pain must one man feel

Before he can hear himself cry?

Yes, ‘n’ how many years will a people be slaves

Before they will reach out and try?

The answer, my friend, is comin’ on this Night

The answer is comin’ on this Night.

 

How many years after they were all slaves

Before they really felt free?

Yes, ‘n’ how many ways are we too like slaves

In ways we can’t even see?

Yes, ‘n’ what must we do to throw off our chains

And dump them into the sea?

The answer, my friend, you can think about this Night

The answer you can think about this Night.

Four Kinds of Children

To: Havah Nageela

 

Four kinds of children (3x)

In each of us.

(Repeat)

 

We all have highs and lows

Times we don’t want to know

We all are sometimes bored

We’re all the same.

 

Sometimes we just feel shy

Sometimes we want to cry

Sometimes feel trapped and lie

Nothing to say.

 

We all are curious

We all get furious

We get imperious

It’s humans’ way.

 

We’re all

We’re all a mix

We’re a mix of many children (4x)

We’re a mix (2x)

Of many different kinds of kids.

 

Moses Prophet

To: Davy Crockett

 

CHORUS:          Moses, Moses Prophet

King of the Wandering Jews

 

Born to Jewish slaves down by the Nile

They hoped to save him from the Pharoah’s bile

In a basket in the river he drifted for awhile

‘Til the princess heard him crying from over a mile.

 

CHORUS

 

Grew up in the palace as a favorite son

‘Til he saw slaves beaten just for the fun

So he killed him an Egyptian in a fight he wouldn’t shun

But then from his good life he had to run.

 

CHORUS

 

Out in the desert saw a bush that burned

Talked with God, and his whole life turned

Got a big mission: “Free the Jews” he learned

“Lead them to their own land,” for which they yearned.

 

CHORUS

 

Went back to Pharoah to set the Jews free

Cast ten Plagues to bring Egypt to its knee

Trapped by the water as they tried to flee

Opened up dry land and crossed the Red Sea.

 

CHORUS

 

Crossing the desert took forty years

Brought 10 Commandments to the peoples’ cheers

Struggled with hardships, with doubts and with fears

But kept from the Promised Land—a pain that brought him tears.

 

CHORUS

 

Tonight we have Seder, and to celebrate this man

When we see injustice, we should do what we can

Gaining freedom for all folks is a holy plan

Here’s to you, Moses Prophet—in your club I’m a fan.

 

CHORUS

Phar-aoh

To: Day-O

 

Pharaoh, Phar-ar-ar-oh

Pharaoh says we cannot go home

Fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair

It’s not fair, it’s not fair-air-air-o

Pharaoh says we cannot go home

 

Work all day, his buildings to make

Pharaoh says we cannot go home

All our male babies he tried to take

Pharaoh says we cannot go home

 

Come, Mister Freedom Man, lead us to our homeland

Pharaoh says “I won’t let you go”

Moses, help free us, and take us to our own land

Pharaoh says we cannot go home

 

Took one year, ten years, forty years, FREE

‘Til we could reach that Promised Land

Slaves to someone we must never BE

Now we have reached that Promised Land

 

Fair, now it’s fair-air-air-oh

Tho’ Pharaoh said we couldn’t go

Fair, now it’s fair, now it’s fair, now it’s fair

Pharaoh’s gone, and we have gone home

 

This beautiful freedom feels right and just

Pharaoh said we could not go home

It’s not some place but deep inside us

Daylight comes and we’ve all come home

 

The Poor Old Egyptians

To: The Poor Old Slave

 

The Jews, our slaves, have gone away

To find their promised land

A trip they’ll take for forty years

We’ll miss their low-cost hands

 

Our poor old slaves have left a mess

We groan that they are free

Outsourcing jobs leaves budget pains

Red ink makes red dead sea

 

Cheap help is gone, and so’s our rest

We must get off our tush

Perhaps they’ll stop and come right back

When see that burning Bush

 

The Plagues Are Unleashed

To: The Ants Go Marching

 

The plagues are unleashed, one by one

Oh no, oh no

The gods of Egypt are undone

Just go, just go

The Nile River is turned to blood

Egypt has nothing to drink but mud

But old Pharaoh won’t say, “You now are free

to go out of this land.”

Doom Doom Doom Doom

Here come more plagues…

 

The plagues are unleashed, number two

Oh no, oh no

The gods of Egypt are so through

Just go, just go

Now frogs are jumping everywhere

Get in their food and get in their hair

But old Pharaoh won’t say, “You now are free

to go out of this land.”

Doom Doom Doom Doom

Here come more plagues…

 

The plagues are unleashed, number three

Oh no, oh no

The gods of Egypt start to plea

Just go, just go

Each piece of dust becomes a gnat

that bites the people wherever they’re at

But old Pharaoh won’t say, “You now are free

to go out of this land.”

Doom Doom Doom Doom

Here come more plagues…

 

The plagues are unleashed, number four

Oh no, oh no

Egypt’s gods can’t take any more

Just go, just go

Huge swarms of flies now fill the air

Bringing all Egypt to dark despair

But old Pharaoh won’t say, you now are free

to go out of this land.”

Doom Doom Doom Doom

Here come more plagues…

 

—continued—

 

The plagues are unleashed, number five

Oh no, oh no

The gods of Egypt can’t survive

Just go, just go

Cows, sheep, and horses, camels too

All fall down dead, there’s nothing to do

But old Pharaoh won’t say, “You now are free

to go out of this land.”

Doom Doom Doom Doom

Here come more plagues…

 

The plagues are unleashed, number six

Oh no, oh no

All Egypt’s gods can’t find a fix

Just go, just go

Infected skin, inflamed with pus

Covers their bodies and makes them cuss

But old Pharaoh won’t say, “You now are free

to go out of this land.”

Doom Doom Doom Doom

Here come more plagues…

 

The plagues keep coming, here is seven

Oh no, oh no

For Egypt’s gods, there’s no more heaven

Just go, just go

Huge hail and lightning break all crops

All standing trees are smashed ‘til they drop

But old Pharaoh won’t say, “You now are free

to go out of this land.”

Doom Doom Doom Doom

Here come more plagues…

 

The plagues are unleashed, number eight

Oh no, oh no

Egypt’s gods are no longer great

Just go, just go

Then locusts fill the sky with dark

What hail has left, they eat like a shark

But old Pharaoh won’t say, “You now are free

to go out of this land.”

Doom Doom Doom Doom

Here come more plagues…

 

—continued—

 

The plagues are unleashed, number nine

Oh no, oh no

Egypt’s sun god has just gone blind

Just go, just go

All is darkness, flames shed no light

The stars go dim that once were bright

But old Pharaoh won’t say, “You now are free

to go out of this land.”

Doom Doom Doom Doom

Here come more plagues…

 

Last of the plagues is number ten

Oh no, oh no

Egypt’s gods are weak as men

Just go, just go

First-born children suddenly die

All Egyptians shriek and cry

Old Pharaoh breaks down and sets them all free:

“Just get out of this land.”

And away they go

Zoom Zoom Zoom Zoom

Second Cup of Wine

To: There Were 12 Constipated Men in the Bible

 

We drink four different cups of wine

at the Seder, at the Seder

We drink four different cups of wine

at the Seder, at the Seder

 

Second cup is for “DELIVER YOU”  (3X)

from your bondage, from your bondage.

 

RACHTZAH: WASH

 

Wash Wash Wash Your Hands

To: Row Row Row Your Boat

 

Wash, wash, wash your hands

Just before the meal

Purify, purify, purify, purify

‘Tis the time to steal.

 

MOTZI/MATZAH: BLESSING THE MATZAH

 

Ancestors Would

To: Norwegian Wood

 

I beheld that plate

Or should I say

It beheld me.

 

These symbols so strange

Know them I should;

Ancestors would.

 

I stared at that bone, then it told me, “I came from a lamb,

I sacrificed life to help slaves gain their freedoms again.”

 

I peered at those greens

Vibrance of spring

Salt water clings.

“Fresh hope dipped in tears,”

parsley then said,

“Joy and sad wed.”

 

I looked at charoset, it made sounds I struggled to hear.

“I’m thick paste for forming the bricks that the slaves made with fear.”

 

I then heard that egg

“Roasted and charred,

I’m sacrifice barred

from Temple now gone,

Symbol of praise

For all your days.”

 

I stared at horseradish, it scared me, then started to laugh,

“I’m bitter, like slav’ry, caused tears til they chose freedom’s path.”

 

And when I awoke

Matzah did say,

“It’s plain as day.

Feed hungry we should,

Do the world good,

Ancestors would.”

 

Oh What a Beautiful Matzah

To: Oh What a Beautiful Morning

 

All the food at the Seder has meaning  (2x)

The story we tell, people living in hell

So we put on horseradish to make ourselves yell.

 

CHORUS:

Oh what a beautiful matzah

Oh what a flat piece of bread

Its whole life it’s never risen

Reminds us that slavery’s not dead.

 

Make a sandwich like Hillel has ordered  (2x)

Pile sweet stuff and hot, on the matzah we’re taught

The freedom to remember, it cannot be bought.

 

CHORUS

‘Round the world there are people a’strugglin’  (2x)

And Pharaohs abound, keep folks down on the ground

‘Til a brave one like Moses to lead them is found.

 

CHORUS

Yes, this matzah’s the bread of affliction  (2x)

When we eat it tonight, we remember our flight

We all must be Moses to fight for what’s right.

 

CHORUS

 

MAROR: BITTER HERB

Horseradish Club March

To: Mickey Mouse Club March

 

What’s that bitter on the plate

That could kill you and me?

H-O-R-S-E-R-A-D-I-S-H

Take care! Beware! Kids stare!

It’s as tasty as can be

H-O-R-S-E-R-A-D-I-S-H

 

Horseradish (lots of luck!)

Horseradish (don’t say “yuck”)

Forever let us eat the bitter

Herb! Herb! Herb! Herb!

 

Come along and sing a song

And tell our history!

H-O-R-S-E-R-A-D-I-S-H

 

KORECH: HILLEL SANDWICH

Does Your Matzah Lie Flat?

To: Do Your Ears Hang Low?

 

Does your matzah lie flat, or is it puffed and fat?

Will it hold charoset well, make horseradish taste real swell?

Can you fry it into brei that will make your bubbe sigh?

Does your matzah lie flat?

 

Is your horseradish hot, does it loosen up your snot?

Does it make your eyes sting and cause your ears to ring?

Does it make you think of slavery, and of our people’s bravery?

Is your horseradish hot?

 

Does your charoset taste sweet and give your mouth a treat?

Does it make you want to sing, does it make you want to eat?

Do you slather it on matzah just to drive yourself nuts-ah?

Does your charoset taste sweet?

 

Can you put ‘em all together, cuz old Hillel says it’s better?

Mix the sweet and the bitter, make his sandwich to the letter?

Now eat the whole creation, is its taste abomination?

McHillel to go.

 

SHULCHAN ORECH: FESTIVE MEAL

 

Home in the Spring

To: Home on the Range

 

Oh give me that meal, where the menu’s ideal

Where the matzah balls float in the bowl

Where seldom is heard an unhappy slurp

And the food fills both body and soul

 

Home, home in the spring

for the Seder and matzah ball soup

Where we sing every song, though it takes way too long

It’s a journey we make with a group

 

So whatever the date, I will not be late

For my mother’s charoset so sweet

Dad’s horseradish so hot, my taste buds are shot

And it tingles right down to my feet

 

Home, home in the spring

For the Seder and all that it means

Where we read every prayer, to skip one is rare

And the memories are more than routine

 

The Haggadah we read, it tells of the deeds

That Moses with G-d’s help performed

And Pharaoh so cruel, his power overrruled

A free people from slavery transformed.

 

Home, home in the spring

Like our ancestors moved toward that Land

We swim up the stream, like salmon with dreams

Home’s a Promise to hold in our hands.

 

 

TZAFUN: EAT THE AFIKOMEN

 

Find Find Find Dessert

to: Row Row Row Your Boat

 

Find, find, find dessert

Finish off the meal

Gotta look, gotta look, gotta look, gotta look

Can we make a deal?

 

 

Afikomen Is Found to Be Missing

To: My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean

 

Afikomen is found to be missing

Our “dee-zert” is not to be found

How can we continue this Seder?

Now we must all look around

 

CHORUS:          Come back, come back,

Come back, Afikomen, to me, to me (repeat)

 

Can’t we pass over this roadblock?

This Seder’s as long as King Kong

How can we get on with this Seder

While we are still singing this song?

 

CHORUS

 

This mystery is meant for the children

To keep them in line all night long

It’d work best if it were a website

Would a virtual matzah be wrong?

 

CHORUS

Online we could search “Afikomen”

A million or more hits abound

We’d think then the Seder could Move On

‘Til it crashed, and we lost all we’d found.

 

CHORUS

If a virus ate our Afikomen

End of Seder we’d all have to sweat

Our server would serve just a zero

And we would eat nothing but ‘Net.

 

CHORUS

Let’s hope someone finds that darn matzah

Let’s pray it turns up pretty soon

If no one finds our Afikomen

Then we’ll be here sitting ‘til noon.

 

CHORUS

 

Afikomen Chorus

To: Hallelujah Chorus

 

Where’s that damn matzah hid?

I can’t find it.

Ah-fee-ko-men, Ah-fee-ko-men

 

Those kids have gone too far

It’s just NOT fair.

Ah-fee-ko-men, Ah-fee-ko-men

 

CHORUS:          And we shall search for ever and ever

For ever and ever, forever and ever

 

All just to keep them still

What a dumb plan!

Ah-fee-ko-men, Ah-fee-ko-men

 

Soothes kids but riles their folks

I can’t stand it.

Ah-fee-ko-men, Ah-fee-ko-men

 

CHORUS:          And we shall search for ever and ever

For ever and ever, forever and ever

 

Hey, what’s that sticking out?

I just FOUND it.

Ah-fee-ko-men, Ah-fee-ko-men

 

Now we can finish up

And drink more wine.

Manischewitz, Manischewitz

 

CHORUS:          And we’ll drink wine for ever and ever

For ever and ever, forever and ever.

 

Note: obviously this is written for families where the ritual is for the kids to hide the Afikomen and for the adults to try to find it. For those families who do it the other way around, they need their own version.

 

 

BARECH: BLESS THE MEAL

 

Third Cup of Wine

To: There Were 12 Constipated Men in the Bible

 

We drink four different cups of wine

at the Seder, at the Seder

We drink four different cups of wine

at the Seder, at the Seder

 

Number three means “WILL REDEEM YOU”  (3X)

with outstretched arm, with outstretched arm.

 

Prophet Elijah

To: Eleanor Rigby

 

Ah, look at all the hope-filled people (2x)

Prophet Elijah rode on a whirlwind to heaven, each spring he comes ‘round

We sing his song

Wait by our windows, look for the face that’d bring change to our lives so profound

New hope is found.

 

Doors for you we open

We open up our homes

Please come drink from your cup

This is your night to roam

 

Prophet Elijah enters the homes where the Seders stretch into the night

It’s like a dream.

Brings us his message: “Kids, open hearts to your parents, parents be kind.

Live without strife.”

 

“Doors for me you open

Now open up your hearts

Whatever comes can teach you

Of life, it’s all a part.”

 

Prophet Elijah, conscience of Jews who returns to mark peace in the world

“It’s up to you.

Actions can do it, you can make peace in your homes, and your work, and your school.

Don’t live like fools.”

 

“Doors are meant to open

Let in whatever comes.

Be doors, not walls, be open

And then my task is done.”

 

HALLEL: PRAISE

 

Fourth Cup of Wine

To: There Were 12 Constipated Men in the Bible

 

We drink four different cups of wine

at the Seder, at the Seder

We drink four different cups of wine

at the Seder, at the Seder

 

The fourth cup is “I WILL TAKE YOU”  (3X)

for my people, for my people.

 

Manischewitz Medley

To: We Are Climbing Jacob’s Ladder

 

We are singing of Manischewitz (3x)

Wine that Jews  -–adore

                                    —abhor (Choose one)

 

To tune of “Alouette”

 

Manischewitz, pouring Manischewitz

Manischewitz—just drink another cup.

First a cup for liberty,

Next one’s just for puberty.

 

Oh….oh

Manischewitz, sweet old Manischewitz

Manischewitz, drink more if you dare.

 

To tune of “Dayenu”

 

We are drinking Manischewitz

It’s the wine the Bible credits

Made the Pesach story happen

Let’s review:

 

CHORUS:       Man-is-chewitz, Man-is-chewitz

                        Man-is-chewitz; believe me, it’s all true.

 

When the Jews were leaving Egypt

Thought they’d really end their slavery

Dumped their wine in to the water

Sea so blue.

 

CHORUS

 

Then the water changed its color

Turned the Dead Sea into Red Sea

Wine so dry it made a pathway

They walked through.

 

CHORUS

 

When they hungered in the desert

God sent food down from the heavens

Called it by its nickname “Manna…”

What a brew!

 

CHORUS

 

So if you celebrate their journey

Don’t forget this wine is holy—

Wholly sweet and wholly horrid,

Now they’ll sue.

 

CHORUS

NIRTZAH: CLOSING

 

Next Year, Next Year

To: Tzena, Tzena

 

Next year

Next year

Next year

Next year

In Jerusalem

We’ll gather

Seder

Once again

 

Freedom

Freedom

Freedom

Freedom

In Jerusalem

To gather

Seder

Once again

 

Freedom

Freedom

To be free’s a blessing

We’re all free to meet again

 

REPEAT LAST VERSE

 

Optional: REPEAT WHOLE SONG, FASTER

 

Jerusalem This Year

To: Yellow Submarine

 

Now we’ve told our story old

And we’ve learned its lessons well:

We must fight what makes us slaves;

To be free, we must rebel.

 

As we near our Seder’s end,

To the future our thoughts turn—

We can share our dreams and goals,

Tell of things we hope to learn.

 

CHORUS:          May each one live a life that’s free this year

Life that’s free this year, life that’s free this year

May each one build their Jerusalem this year

Jerusalem this year, Jerusalem this year

 

If we make a world that’s free (a world that’s free)

Every one of us (every one of us)

Has what we need (has what we need)

Live a life (live a life) that’s not routine (not routine)

With a chance  (with a chance) to be serene (be serene).

 

 CHORUS

 

S – E – D – E – R

To: B-I-N-G-O

(NOTE:  * means clap one time for each *)

 

When full moon glows, folks share a meal

And talk of times so painful

S – E – D – E – R  (3x)

We’re Seder-matzochistic

 

They break flat bread, spill drops of wine

Scream at grated maror

* - E – D – E – R  (3x)

We’re Seder-matzochistic

 

They’re plagued by plagues, the night’s so long

Multiple Food Course Disorder

* - * - D – E – R  (3x)

We’re Seder-matzochistic

 

For forty prayers, they wander ‘round

The end it does elude them

* - * - * - E – R  (3x)

We’re Seder-matzochistic

 

Through eight whole days, they’ll eat no bread

Strict limits do remind them

* - * - * - * - R  (3x)

We’re Seder-matzochistic

 

We’ve drunk too much, reclined like kings

Commemorated freedom

- * - * - * - *  (3x)

We’re Seder-matzochistic

We’re celebration-istic

We’re going quite ballistic

We’re expialidocious

Pesach’s a psychosis

You get it through osmosis

This Seder’s matzochistic

This Seder’s matzochistic